new life

4 years

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Four years ago my life as I had known it stopped.

Four years ago I screamed words I never thought would come out of my mouth.

Four years ago I chose me and my kids over the ideals and principles that I had been raised to Revere.

Four years ago I jumped into the unknown after 21 years of living a certain way of life.

And I’m better for it.

But there are memories trapped in my body. And my body remembers….and it challenges my spirit.

Do I regret the changes…no

Do I appreciate where I currently am in my life…yes

Do I want to go back to the way it used to be….absolutely not!

But there are days when I can’t explain why I feel off or am struggling extra and today is one of those days and then when I fully process what is happening I remember that it’s a date where something significant happened…and I have an AHA! moment. Trauma bonding is real, toxicity is a thing and when you come out of it and realize the dramatic changes you are so grateful for the healing and changes. But your body remembers and it can take a longer period of time than you expect for your body to fully release the negative and toxic emotions associated with past trauma.

All in all…I’m thankful for the past 4 years…and I am thankful for the life I live and the amazing changes that have happened.

Overthinking

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I am 100% an overthinker.

I overthink everything…and when I’m tired or stressed my overthinking kicks into high gear and I get lost in this head space where I almost feel trapped. I’m trapped by my thought patterns and my feelings of am I doing enough, am I helping enough, am I meeting the needs of those around me…am I being selfish if I want time for me? These thoughts start like a hamster wheel and I jump on and before I know it I am trapped in what feels like a never ending cycle.

In the past I would do everything in my power to fix the situation of what I am overthinking about…to the detriment of me and my family. I would dive into my work also and work extra hard to be the best teacher to make my classroom shine and be seen as the best. I want the acknowledgment of being good at what I do. I want to be the best person at everything…I want to be the best wife, mother, teacher, friend, and if I’m not or see myself as less worthy I feel like I am worthless or undeserving of good things and rest. I have to earn the right to rest…but that’s wrong thinking…I don’t have to earn the right to rest or take breaks…I don’t have to kill myself and be busy all the time to be worthy of love, affection or attention.

It’s amazing how quickly you can fall back into toxic thinking and habits. For 21 years I was told that I didn’t do enough, that I wasn’t supportive enough, that I wasn’t good enough…and I believed it. Unless I was functioning at 100% all the time and doing all the things and meeting all the needs and basically being perfect…then I was deserving of love, time and good things…otherwise there wasn’t a point to it or it was a waste of time. I don’t always know how to feel comfortable in my own home and space…I feel like there is a judgement team out there always waiting to drop in and see all the things I haven’t done and the places where its’ not quite good enough and that is the focus instead of all the ways and efforts of things that are good and nice and tidy. My house is not perfect but it’s also not super messy or dirty. I am cleaning and maintaining the spaces…I’m able to function and so are the other members of the family. It’s not my job to do all the things and be responsible for all the things…our family is a partnership, a team effort and everyone needs to contribute and do their part.

So what’s the point of all of this…I don’t know. Part of my healing process has been learning to recognize the patterns and areas where I get hung up and recognize that I have value and worth outside of the things I do and contribute to the family…simply for being who I am. Sometimes it’s a easy time and other times like right now I struggle with feeling like I don’t do enough or bring enough to the table…I don’t hold others to levels of expectation that I place on myself and I can’t figure out why I can’t see the positive contributions that I bring to situations.

I told my counselor once that I view perfect as being life is easy….so I strive for perfection in the hopes that if I meet it life will be easy. So if anything is less than perfect then I must be failing because if I was perfect than it would be easy and I wouldn’t be struggling…and that’s not how life works…we struggle, we adapt, we change and we grow….and this is part of my growth process…recognizing that I don’t have to be perfect for life to not be a struggle…to see that I bring value and have worth outside of what I do and that people like me even when I don’t feel like they should or would.

Writing is cathartic and helps me process the parts of me that are hard to explain…so thank you for reading and understanding my thoughts processes as I work through the healing and growth struggles that come from rebuilding your life after living in a toxic and emotionally damaging space for many years. Building a new life is gratifying but comes with unexpected places that put you back into negative patterns that are familiar but not desired…thankfully I see the negatives now and am working on negotiating them in a healthy and positive manner.

Effort Matters

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I’ve been thinking a lot about the word effort this week. The word is defined as a vigorous or determined attempt. When you put forth effort it means that you try or attempt to do something to the best of your ability to help, achieve, encourage, determine. When you put forth effort with something you show that you value or want to benefit from the thing you are making an effort to do, show or attain.

I had a birthday this week. So did my husband. We are exactly 3 years and 1 day apart in age. I didn’t know what to expect this time around since the last birthday’s that we have celebrated we were long distance in our relationship…and honestly from a logistics point of view long distance was easier as we could just send gifts through the mail and not have anyone left out in the birthday meal, cake equations. I have 2 things that are a priority for me on my birthday…1 is I don’t cook…I don’t want to make my own food on my birthday…that doesn’t mean I have to be taken out for my birthday but if we are eating at home I’m not cooking the food…and 2 I want a birthday cake…preferably yellow cake with chocolate icing. If I get those 2 things I am a happy camper.

It’s weird getting married after you have kids. Both my husband and I came into the marriage with kids. When you are married and have kids in the household there really isn’t a honeymoon period…you just jump in and go. Plus we each have challenges with the custody schedules with our children so there has been very little time for just us. This year my husband had both his birthday and my birthday off. I haven’t gone back to work yet as I’ve been in a period of adjusting with my kids and the family so we had time on both days for just us…we don’t get a lot of just us time. On his birthday, while the kids were in school, we went to a local state park to view some waterfalls and possibly go hammocking…but it was kinda cold and about to rain so we just hiked a little bit and did a driving tour of the area. On my birthday, while the kids were off to school, we went and viewed a local national historic site and had a nice time just being together. We enjoyed a nice lunch out on his birthday and then I helped make his favorite meal for everyone(6 kids and us) and I baked him a cake…on my birthday he cooked a steak and potatoes dinner on the new grill we gifted each other and he attempted to make a cake…it tasted good but didn’t win points in the presentation department…and we celebrated each other and the life we each have led. We had time with the whole family on his birthday and game night for those interested and on my birthday we enjoyed time with my kids and watched a movie…all in all good days.

I kept coming back to the idea of effort…and why it matters to me. There is a statement that flies around that if they wanted to they would…and this is spot on. I’m a person who appreciates the effort that others put into what is important to me. I was asked what I wanted to eat, what matters to me and I was heard. Was it perfect…no, but the effort to try and make sure that I felt special and appreciated mattered and was definitely felt. When someone loves you they make sure that you feel loved and appreciated even when it’s not the ideal experience for you or what you necessarily like.

All in all I had an amazing birthday. As an added bonus I am loved and appreciated by someone who sees me for who I am and appreciates the little things and ways that I do stuff. I hope that on the flip side I made my husband also feel special and appreciated especially on his birthday.

Reflections

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The end of February has kicked the pants out from under me.

On the marriage front life is easy. My husband and I are figuring out life together, enjoying being together as a couple and learning how to love each other well. We both had struggles in our first marriages and are finding that we are actually pretty good spouses to each other…and we work. We still look at each other and shake our heads in disbelief frequently because when we first started communicating and reconnecting neither one of us thought or expected to end up here…and we work well together. We talk, we laugh, we support, we enjoy. It’s working and we like it…but we still find it a little bit mind baffling.

Blending a family…that’s a challenge. We are struggling with finding a good rhythm to the family. My kids live with us full time as their dad lives 600 miles away. His kids live with us one night a week and every other weekend. They live with their mom…4 miles away…and yet we struggle…they are not here enough for us to build good routines and consistency to our family schedule. Sometimes when you co parent with someone you are able to have good communication and other times the communication makes you want to pull your hair out and you are struggling. It’s a period of being on the struggle bus…to the point that we have had to go to court to try and finalize the parenting plan and have a ruling that is more fair. I’m not weighing in on the marriage or the issues that were had before me but I have opinions over what we are facing now. We have things that we desire for our family that we are in and when you work with a person who sees things from a differing perspective and point of view and is not willing to either keep their nose out of our business and let us do our jobs or is shifting blame and accusing us of things its a struggle to be nice and not get mean or petty.

I feel bad for all the kids. My kids struggle with not treating the bonus siblings as guests or interlopers. They are very comfortable here because it’s their home…the bonus siblings are here about 10 days each month…and that’s not a lot of time…and I feel bad for the bonus kids because they feel like they are living out of suitcases…and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m also struggling with the way the bonus kids operate and function and listen because they do things differently than me and they are teenagers and I have things that work with my kids…and they are in my home but they are not my kids. They also don’t always like the boundaries and rules that we have that are different from their other house so there is disagreements and arguments…and that’s a struggle for me to keep a positive attitude and mindset when I just want to give up.

Add on top of everything my older children are going through some life changes and big moves and that has been a hard experience for me. I thought that both kids would be moving to NY and that they would live separate from me…but my second born isn’t ready to launch like that…he needs a smaller jump…one closer to where we live…he’s capable but struggling with it…so he is back from NY and going to be getting a job here and moving into an apartment closer to us so that he can still be around his little brothers and near family which he feels like he needs. It was a rough period and I don’t fully believe he gave it a big enough shot but I have to support and help him grow so we will do it a different way.

Motherhood is challenging…large gap parenting is extra challenging. I have to be available to support and guide from a distance the 2 that are adults…which sometimes means I keep my mouth shut and just listen. Other times I have to be a sounding board for the challenges and struggles that they are having and give advice whether they like hearing it or not. It’s a more mental side of mothering. Then I have the 2 that live with me who are minors…and they each have their challenges. We have Autism from the youngest and Type 1 diabetes and anxiety issues from the almost teenager. So we have behavior challenges and struggles and blood sugar issues, and teenage hormones…and sometimes I think I may explode from the challenges of it all.

I also wasn’t prepared for how being the Stepmother makes me feel. There is a lot of stigma in the world about the role of the Stepmother. Sometimes I feel like my rules, needs or desires don’t matter. The kids don’t feel like they need another mother…they have a mother and I am a different dynamic than their mom. They have one set of rules or expectations at their mom’s house and I have different rules and expectations at my house. I have boundaries that my kids know and respect and they have different boundaries and they can think my boundaries are limiting or mean. There is also a feeling of where do I fit…they have a lot of memories that don’t involve me and since they are older they don’t necessarily want to build new memories with their Dad when I am there…I’m the interloper, the outsider and I brought a whole lot of people with me and that can make for an us vs them situation….on both sides. I have read from the experts that it can take 3-7 years for families to feel fully blended…and the kids are teenagers…so it’s a race against time…and exes…and situations…and behaviors…and sometimes you just want to ask if it is worth it. I know it will be worth it…but it’s a challenge…and we are only about 8 months in to this whole life adventure but sometimes I feel discouraged.

So we are starting a new month…one with new challenges and items on the horizon and I will take the challenges and struggles as they come but I will be honest…I’m hoping its a little bit easier moving forward then the past month.

Flipping the Script

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One thing people do not prepare you for when you leave a toxic or stressful relationship is how sometimes your former partner triggers you and you are thrust back into the emotions and feelings you used to live under for years and periods of time. I’ve been triggered and it has caused a rush of unwanted feelings, emotions and struggles. 

My ex husband and I have had to be talking more recently. We are finishing up the very long process of separating all the things that weren’t an issue or a problem when I lived nearby and he saw the boys more frequently. Things like Sam’s Club memberships, Amazon Prime linked accounts and phone plans. I’m merging my life more and more with my new husband and we are figuring out our life and so the final things are happening( things I have wanted to do for years but never pushed to keep the peace). In this process my ex has reminded me of reasons why we are no longer together as a couple. He has been triggering and said things that don’t need to be discussed and has treated me in a negative way. It has in some ways thrown me backward into the negative feelings and thought patterns that I lived under for a long time. It’s not my favorite head space to be in and I’m struggling. 

I’m very thankful for the Man who God has brought into my life. The Man that tells me that he is thankful for me. The man that appreciates the little things I do as his wife. The man who has been stepping up and doing extra things for me that make me feel loved and appreciated. The man who holds me and comforts me when I feel low or small. The man that shows me in the little ways that he loves me and he is encouraging me to be gentle with myself. The man who respects me and understands my boundaries. It’s nice and weird all at the same time. When you aren’t used to being treated in this manner you wonder when the other shoe is going to drop…it feels to good to be true…it feels like you are waiting for the mask to fall off and the man underneath to be revealed…but there isn’t a mask, he’s genuinely a good guy and there is no catch to him wanting to help you. And then there is a sadness that comes with it…like why didn’t I get this all the time…why didn’t we connect a long time ago and save both of us so much heartache and grief…but I can’t answer these questions….I just have to trust that God is bigger, wiser and more aware of the greater plan. I’m thankful that I have it now. I can also take time and figure out the best ways to move forward in a way that is healthy and good for me. All in all I’m definitely moving forward even if sometime I feel like I’m taking a few too many steps backward. 

Grace

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Something I’m learning through my healing and journey of rediscovering who I am is the idea of giving myself GRACE…

I grew up with the self imposed idea that woman can do everything, be everything and accomplish whatever they put their mind to…and yes I am capable and able to do a lot but I am not Wonder Woman and I have limits that I am starting to recognize and embrace. 

I’m a high energy take charge type of person and I will make a to do list that is longer than it should be and then I feel defeated if I don’t accomplish everything on the list…even if it’s not realistic. So to give myself Grace…I make a list of the things I want to accomplish over 5-7 days and it’s much more manageable.

In my first marriage I felt that if I didn’t accomplish a goal or make progress on stuff then I was failing and looking like I was being lazy…and in the process I worked myself up and was always wound up so that I would almost tick…and I was married to someone who saw all the things I didn’t do rather than the stuff I accomplished. My new husband sees the effort and appreciates that I have obstacles or challenges with kids in the house and sees the little things I do…and it makes me feel appreciated and loved…he also comments on things that I see as no big deal and it makes me appreciate that my efforts are seen.

Today is a gloomy and rainy day. It’s chilly, there is a darkness and this leads to wanting to hibernate…and so I kinda am. I’m accomplishing chores and tasks but I’m not killing myself to get stuff done…if I want to write, or read, or watch a documentary I am giving myself the time and space to do that. The me of the past would be beating herself up right now…giving me a guilt trip for not being extra productive…to be conquering the new year…kicking down doors and taking names on some resolutions…and I’m not her…at least not today.

So I’m learning that trying to do it all, accomplish everything and wearing myself out in the process is counter productive. We live a busy life with a lot of people and if I need a break I should take it…I’m not being lazy if I only get 6 things on a list of 12 things…but rather I’m done with half of them and I will have more time tomorrow. 

I read an article about explaining to kiddos the difference between “Maintenance” and Chores. Maintenance is doing the little tasks that need to be accomplished in a day and a chore is something that you put gloves on or get out major tools and items to accomplish. Maintenance needs to be done daily but some chores can wait…and that’s where I am today…I’m doing those Maintenance items that need to be accomplished but the major chores can wait…and that’s okay. This article was very eye opening to me as I tend to lump everything together and then feel like I’m not doing enough because I only did the maintenance items…but the maintenance items are important and keep our household running.  

I’ve also learned that doing things that matter and bring me joy or solace is as important as accomplishing a to do list and it’s okay to take time for things that are not “important”. I’m giving myself Grace and learning to be more comfortable and okay with not being perfect or some fake constructed idea of how things have to be…it’s a learning curve and journey but one I’m learning day by day.

Redefining

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I’m learning to redefine who I am.

For a long time I was very defined by the role of wife…and I’m no longer a wife. I’m now an ex-wife, a former wife, a once wife…all terms that are hard. I really wish that I was a widow instead of divorced. It would totally be easier and I don’t think I would be drowning in the stigma that comes along with being divorced.

Learning to define new boundaries between myself and my former spouse is REALLY HARD…he doesn’t get that we don’t do things together anymore…like picking out new phones on phone plans.

We decided that we would stay on the same phone plan because it’s too hard to figure out how to separate all 3 of the kids lines and it’s more affordable for both of us to stay on the same plan…but its time to upgrade…and he wants us to do it together…aka…I figure out the best phones and then take care of it…

I don’t know how to get him to realize that I am not picking out his stuff anymore…it’s not my place nor do I care.

Just pick a phone and be done…stop treating our new roles as just another way to make me be what you want.

YOU chose this…YOU didn’t want to go to counseling….YOU said that my life would be so much harder…YOU think I need you…reality is another story.

I’m in counseling and rediscovering who I am and finding potential for growth.

My life really hasn’t changed that much and it’s not that much harder without you and now that I don’t have to put up with your nonsense things are working better and I am not as stressed by superficial things

I really don’t need you…in fact I have said it often that it would actually be easier if you had died instead of us getting divorced because then you would be completely out of the picture…the only challenge right now is working around you.

I guess I don’t need you…I’m figuring out life on my own and to be honest this redefinition may be a benefit in disguise.

I’m doing things I have wanted to do for a while and it may be challenging and new I’m excited for what can be.

I’m figuring out how to do things independently and well

I’m redefining who I am and who I will be…