Changes

Reflections

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

The end of February has kicked the pants out from under me.

On the marriage front life is easy. My husband and I are figuring out life together, enjoying being together as a couple and learning how to love each other well. We both had struggles in our first marriages and are finding that we are actually pretty good spouses to each other…and we work. We still look at each other and shake our heads in disbelief frequently because when we first started communicating and reconnecting neither one of us thought or expected to end up here…and we work well together. We talk, we laugh, we support, we enjoy. It’s working and we like it…but we still find it a little bit mind baffling.

Blending a family…that’s a challenge. We are struggling with finding a good rhythm to the family. My kids live with us full time as their dad lives 600 miles away. His kids live with us one night a week and every other weekend. They live with their mom…4 miles away…and yet we struggle…they are not here enough for us to build good routines and consistency to our family schedule. Sometimes when you co parent with someone you are able to have good communication and other times the communication makes you want to pull your hair out and you are struggling. It’s a period of being on the struggle bus…to the point that we have had to go to court to try and finalize the parenting plan and have a ruling that is more fair. I’m not weighing in on the marriage or the issues that were had before me but I have opinions over what we are facing now. We have things that we desire for our family that we are in and when you work with a person who sees things from a differing perspective and point of view and is not willing to either keep their nose out of our business and let us do our jobs or is shifting blame and accusing us of things its a struggle to be nice and not get mean or petty.

I feel bad for all the kids. My kids struggle with not treating the bonus siblings as guests or interlopers. They are very comfortable here because it’s their home…the bonus siblings are here about 10 days each month…and that’s not a lot of time…and I feel bad for the bonus kids because they feel like they are living out of suitcases…and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m also struggling with the way the bonus kids operate and function and listen because they do things differently than me and they are teenagers and I have things that work with my kids…and they are in my home but they are not my kids. They also don’t always like the boundaries and rules that we have that are different from their other house so there is disagreements and arguments…and that’s a struggle for me to keep a positive attitude and mindset when I just want to give up.

Add on top of everything my older children are going through some life changes and big moves and that has been a hard experience for me. I thought that both kids would be moving to NY and that they would live separate from me…but my second born isn’t ready to launch like that…he needs a smaller jump…one closer to where we live…he’s capable but struggling with it…so he is back from NY and going to be getting a job here and moving into an apartment closer to us so that he can still be around his little brothers and near family which he feels like he needs. It was a rough period and I don’t fully believe he gave it a big enough shot but I have to support and help him grow so we will do it a different way.

Motherhood is challenging…large gap parenting is extra challenging. I have to be available to support and guide from a distance the 2 that are adults…which sometimes means I keep my mouth shut and just listen. Other times I have to be a sounding board for the challenges and struggles that they are having and give advice whether they like hearing it or not. It’s a more mental side of mothering. Then I have the 2 that live with me who are minors…and they each have their challenges. We have Autism from the youngest and Type 1 diabetes and anxiety issues from the almost teenager. So we have behavior challenges and struggles and blood sugar issues, and teenage hormones…and sometimes I think I may explode from the challenges of it all.

I also wasn’t prepared for how being the Stepmother makes me feel. There is a lot of stigma in the world about the role of the Stepmother. Sometimes I feel like my rules, needs or desires don’t matter. The kids don’t feel like they need another mother…they have a mother and I am a different dynamic than their mom. They have one set of rules or expectations at their mom’s house and I have different rules and expectations at my house. I have boundaries that my kids know and respect and they have different boundaries and they can think my boundaries are limiting or mean. There is also a feeling of where do I fit…they have a lot of memories that don’t involve me and since they are older they don’t necessarily want to build new memories with their Dad when I am there…I’m the interloper, the outsider and I brought a whole lot of people with me and that can make for an us vs them situation….on both sides. I have read from the experts that it can take 3-7 years for families to feel fully blended…and the kids are teenagers…so it’s a race against time…and exes…and situations…and behaviors…and sometimes you just want to ask if it is worth it. I know it will be worth it…but it’s a challenge…and we are only about 8 months in to this whole life adventure but sometimes I feel discouraged.

So we are starting a new month…one with new challenges and items on the horizon and I will take the challenges and struggles as they come but I will be honest…I’m hoping its a little bit easier moving forward then the past month.

Big Changes

~ elj377 ~ 1 Comment

My oldest child moved out when it was time for college. 

My second oldest child will move out tonight.

My third child was 7 years old when the oldest moved out…he’s now 12

My youngest child is currently 7 when his sibling moves.

Life is surreal…full of change and ups and downs. I’m excited for the opportunities and the future that both of my oldest kids have before them but at the same time I’m feeling nervous. My oldest is working in NYC and the second born will be moving in with the first born…and its good and exciting and needed but I’m also feeling overwhelmed by it all.

If I’m honest I don’t know what life will look like around here with out my second born being my emergency back up guy. Throughout my divorce and all the changes that occurred he was the biggest help and saved my butt so many times with little things that could easily have fallen through the cracks. And now he is moving…and I’m feeling all the feels. He is also a huge rock and fixed point in both of the little boys lives and I’m not sure how the adjustment period is going to go with them. There are a lot of what if’s right now.

I’m a ball of mixed emotions. I’m sad that he is going, I’m excited for the opportunities, I’m hopeful for the future, I’m nervous about the siblings living together, I’m relieved that the oldest 2 will have family near them. Mostly I’m proud. Proud of them for pursuing their dreams and making things happen.

So I may have a few trips to the Big Apple in my future…this Mama will need all the hugs and love from her babies!

Flipping the Script

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

One thing people do not prepare you for when you leave a toxic or stressful relationship is how sometimes your former partner triggers you and you are thrust back into the emotions and feelings you used to live under for years and periods of time. I’ve been triggered and it has caused a rush of unwanted feelings, emotions and struggles. 

My ex husband and I have had to be talking more recently. We are finishing up the very long process of separating all the things that weren’t an issue or a problem when I lived nearby and he saw the boys more frequently. Things like Sam’s Club memberships, Amazon Prime linked accounts and phone plans. I’m merging my life more and more with my new husband and we are figuring out our life and so the final things are happening( things I have wanted to do for years but never pushed to keep the peace). In this process my ex has reminded me of reasons why we are no longer together as a couple. He has been triggering and said things that don’t need to be discussed and has treated me in a negative way. It has in some ways thrown me backward into the negative feelings and thought patterns that I lived under for a long time. It’s not my favorite head space to be in and I’m struggling. 

I’m very thankful for the Man who God has brought into my life. The Man that tells me that he is thankful for me. The man that appreciates the little things I do as his wife. The man who has been stepping up and doing extra things for me that make me feel loved and appreciated. The man who holds me and comforts me when I feel low or small. The man that shows me in the little ways that he loves me and he is encouraging me to be gentle with myself. The man who respects me and understands my boundaries. It’s nice and weird all at the same time. When you aren’t used to being treated in this manner you wonder when the other shoe is going to drop…it feels to good to be true…it feels like you are waiting for the mask to fall off and the man underneath to be revealed…but there isn’t a mask, he’s genuinely a good guy and there is no catch to him wanting to help you. And then there is a sadness that comes with it…like why didn’t I get this all the time…why didn’t we connect a long time ago and save both of us so much heartache and grief…but I can’t answer these questions….I just have to trust that God is bigger, wiser and more aware of the greater plan. I’m thankful that I have it now. I can also take time and figure out the best ways to move forward in a way that is healthy and good for me. All in all I’m definitely moving forward even if sometime I feel like I’m taking a few too many steps backward. 

Old and New

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

2023 is here…January

New Years is always a time of reflection for me. A look back at the last year and a checklist of sorts…did I do a good job, am I moving forward, what positives do I want to take with me into the next year, what things do I want to change. Last year I felt like my checklist was a list of the Good, the Bad and the Ugly. 2020 was a very hard year and 2021 was a year of radical life changes, 2022 was a year of unexpected and good things…so what will 2023 hold for me, for my kids and for our future?

2022 was a year where I started to like myself again. I feel like I had gotten lost through the journey of having a very difficult marriage and kids of multiple ages and stages. I wanted to be so good and appreciated that I contorted and twisted myself into something that I am not so that I could potentially make people happy and like me. And it didn’t work…there was always something more I needed to do or be and I could never, ever meet the expectation of that person because I wasn’t being myself I was being a shadow or a cutout of the person I am and should be. I have discovered that when I let myself be who God intended me to be and I don’t try to fit the unrealistic molds of others I have Freedom. Freedom to be me, freedom to show love, freedom to be loud, freedom to share and nurture in the process to grow and change and mature. I still feel the weight of expectation and push myself to be the best but instead of feeling like I am drowning from the weight of it all I am using it as a buoy or motor to push myself ahead.

2022 was a year of doing things for ME…I’ve been a Mom for 22 years and in that time I have rarely made time for ME. I put my kids and their needs ahead of mine so often and I feel guilty when I do things that are good for me first. I’m learning that I can’t pour and fill up others if my cup is empty. So I am learning and doing things that are good for ME. Taking time off from Motherhood and just being me again. I traveled this year…left the country and recharged my batteries. I’ve hired friends to watch my kids so I can take weekends off and go places, and I am stepping up more and demanding that the person I co-parent with to step up and do more so that I can recharge and relax and not have to be “on” all the time. I’m tired of living a small life and I want to do things and go places and have more experiences. I want less stuff and want to be present and experience things and have fun.

2022 was a year of unexpected and yet amazing re-connection. God has brought someone back into my life. A person that I didn’t see coming…was not on my radar at all. But this re-connection has become one of the most important and favorite parts of my life. I think it’s funny that when you give up control of a situation and stop looking or thinking about something God has a way of saying…okay, now you are ready…I’m going to do something good for you…but it’s not going to be what you think it’s going to be, it’s going to come with a whole lot of issues and logistics but I got you child…I’m doing something for your Good…you just have to Trust me.

So 2023…here we are…with 365 days to fill and experience and use to help me grow, mature and change. I’m excited to see what God will do in my life and the life of my kids. The big kids have big things looming on the horizon and as a Mom I am both excited for them and a little bit scared. My younger boys are continuing to challenge me to be the best Mom I can be and I am trying to fill their lives with new and good things. There will be struggles…we have Autism and Diabetes and some hurdles that will need to be considered and jumped over. There may be big changes…I don’t know yet. But I am confident that God is in Control and if I am trusting and seeking His will for me that I will see what unfolds in the coming year. So here’s to a New Year…lets see what will happen.