change

4 years

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Four years ago my life as I had known it stopped.

Four years ago I screamed words I never thought would come out of my mouth.

Four years ago I chose me and my kids over the ideals and principles that I had been raised to Revere.

Four years ago I jumped into the unknown after 21 years of living a certain way of life.

And I’m better for it.

But there are memories trapped in my body. And my body remembers….and it challenges my spirit.

Do I regret the changes…no

Do I appreciate where I currently am in my life…yes

Do I want to go back to the way it used to be….absolutely not!

But there are days when I can’t explain why I feel off or am struggling extra and today is one of those days and then when I fully process what is happening I remember that it’s a date where something significant happened…and I have an AHA! moment. Trauma bonding is real, toxicity is a thing and when you come out of it and realize the dramatic changes you are so grateful for the healing and changes. But your body remembers and it can take a longer period of time than you expect for your body to fully release the negative and toxic emotions associated with past trauma.

All in all…I’m thankful for the past 4 years…and I am thankful for the life I live and the amazing changes that have happened.

Overthinking

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I am 100% an overthinker.

I overthink everything…and when I’m tired or stressed my overthinking kicks into high gear and I get lost in this head space where I almost feel trapped. I’m trapped by my thought patterns and my feelings of am I doing enough, am I helping enough, am I meeting the needs of those around me…am I being selfish if I want time for me? These thoughts start like a hamster wheel and I jump on and before I know it I am trapped in what feels like a never ending cycle.

In the past I would do everything in my power to fix the situation of what I am overthinking about…to the detriment of me and my family. I would dive into my work also and work extra hard to be the best teacher to make my classroom shine and be seen as the best. I want the acknowledgment of being good at what I do. I want to be the best person at everything…I want to be the best wife, mother, teacher, friend, and if I’m not or see myself as less worthy I feel like I am worthless or undeserving of good things and rest. I have to earn the right to rest…but that’s wrong thinking…I don’t have to earn the right to rest or take breaks…I don’t have to kill myself and be busy all the time to be worthy of love, affection or attention.

It’s amazing how quickly you can fall back into toxic thinking and habits. For 21 years I was told that I didn’t do enough, that I wasn’t supportive enough, that I wasn’t good enough…and I believed it. Unless I was functioning at 100% all the time and doing all the things and meeting all the needs and basically being perfect…then I was deserving of love, time and good things…otherwise there wasn’t a point to it or it was a waste of time. I don’t always know how to feel comfortable in my own home and space…I feel like there is a judgement team out there always waiting to drop in and see all the things I haven’t done and the places where its’ not quite good enough and that is the focus instead of all the ways and efforts of things that are good and nice and tidy. My house is not perfect but it’s also not super messy or dirty. I am cleaning and maintaining the spaces…I’m able to function and so are the other members of the family. It’s not my job to do all the things and be responsible for all the things…our family is a partnership, a team effort and everyone needs to contribute and do their part.

So what’s the point of all of this…I don’t know. Part of my healing process has been learning to recognize the patterns and areas where I get hung up and recognize that I have value and worth outside of the things I do and contribute to the family…simply for being who I am. Sometimes it’s a easy time and other times like right now I struggle with feeling like I don’t do enough or bring enough to the table…I don’t hold others to levels of expectation that I place on myself and I can’t figure out why I can’t see the positive contributions that I bring to situations.

I told my counselor once that I view perfect as being life is easy….so I strive for perfection in the hopes that if I meet it life will be easy. So if anything is less than perfect then I must be failing because if I was perfect than it would be easy and I wouldn’t be struggling…and that’s not how life works…we struggle, we adapt, we change and we grow….and this is part of my growth process…recognizing that I don’t have to be perfect for life to not be a struggle…to see that I bring value and have worth outside of what I do and that people like me even when I don’t feel like they should or would.

Writing is cathartic and helps me process the parts of me that are hard to explain…so thank you for reading and understanding my thoughts processes as I work through the healing and growth struggles that come from rebuilding your life after living in a toxic and emotionally damaging space for many years. Building a new life is gratifying but comes with unexpected places that put you back into negative patterns that are familiar but not desired…thankfully I see the negatives now and am working on negotiating them in a healthy and positive manner.

Big Changes

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My oldest child moved out when it was time for college. 

My second oldest child will move out tonight.

My third child was 7 years old when the oldest moved out…he’s now 12

My youngest child is currently 7 when his sibling moves.

Life is surreal…full of change and ups and downs. I’m excited for the opportunities and the future that both of my oldest kids have before them but at the same time I’m feeling nervous. My oldest is working in NYC and the second born will be moving in with the first born…and its good and exciting and needed but I’m also feeling overwhelmed by it all.

If I’m honest I don’t know what life will look like around here with out my second born being my emergency back up guy. Throughout my divorce and all the changes that occurred he was the biggest help and saved my butt so many times with little things that could easily have fallen through the cracks. And now he is moving…and I’m feeling all the feels. He is also a huge rock and fixed point in both of the little boys lives and I’m not sure how the adjustment period is going to go with them. There are a lot of what if’s right now.

I’m a ball of mixed emotions. I’m sad that he is going, I’m excited for the opportunities, I’m hopeful for the future, I’m nervous about the siblings living together, I’m relieved that the oldest 2 will have family near them. Mostly I’m proud. Proud of them for pursuing their dreams and making things happen.

So I may have a few trips to the Big Apple in my future…this Mama will need all the hugs and love from her babies!

Flipping the Script

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One thing people do not prepare you for when you leave a toxic or stressful relationship is how sometimes your former partner triggers you and you are thrust back into the emotions and feelings you used to live under for years and periods of time. I’ve been triggered and it has caused a rush of unwanted feelings, emotions and struggles. 

My ex husband and I have had to be talking more recently. We are finishing up the very long process of separating all the things that weren’t an issue or a problem when I lived nearby and he saw the boys more frequently. Things like Sam’s Club memberships, Amazon Prime linked accounts and phone plans. I’m merging my life more and more with my new husband and we are figuring out our life and so the final things are happening( things I have wanted to do for years but never pushed to keep the peace). In this process my ex has reminded me of reasons why we are no longer together as a couple. He has been triggering and said things that don’t need to be discussed and has treated me in a negative way. It has in some ways thrown me backward into the negative feelings and thought patterns that I lived under for a long time. It’s not my favorite head space to be in and I’m struggling. 

I’m very thankful for the Man who God has brought into my life. The Man that tells me that he is thankful for me. The man that appreciates the little things I do as his wife. The man who has been stepping up and doing extra things for me that make me feel loved and appreciated. The man who holds me and comforts me when I feel low or small. The man that shows me in the little ways that he loves me and he is encouraging me to be gentle with myself. The man who respects me and understands my boundaries. It’s nice and weird all at the same time. When you aren’t used to being treated in this manner you wonder when the other shoe is going to drop…it feels to good to be true…it feels like you are waiting for the mask to fall off and the man underneath to be revealed…but there isn’t a mask, he’s genuinely a good guy and there is no catch to him wanting to help you. And then there is a sadness that comes with it…like why didn’t I get this all the time…why didn’t we connect a long time ago and save both of us so much heartache and grief…but I can’t answer these questions….I just have to trust that God is bigger, wiser and more aware of the greater plan. I’m thankful that I have it now. I can also take time and figure out the best ways to move forward in a way that is healthy and good for me. All in all I’m definitely moving forward even if sometime I feel like I’m taking a few too many steps backward. 

Thoughts on a New Year

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The New Year is a good time to reflect, think and ponder about all the things that have happened the previous year and all the things you may want to happen differently in the coming year.

To be honest 2023 was a good year for me full of lots of good and big things. I got engaged, eloped, and moved across the country! We started the process of blending 2 families…which has been a whole different experience. I was able to really relax and not worry about working but focus mainly on being a mom. I have discovered that I enjoy cooking so much more when there is someone who truly enjoys the effort and care you put into the food you make. Having someone be appreciative of the little ways you help and who tells and shows you and equally helps with the process of making a home and family experience is amazing. 

There have been some challenges and adjustments that I am still getting used. I’m very comfortable with my own children. We have routines and structures that work for us…and blending into a new family has been challenging. My bonus kids also are not here as much as my kids are with us so the dynamic with 4 or 5 is a lot easier than with 7 or 8…depending on which adult children are around…if we are all here together than its 9 people…and that’s a large number of personalities, appetites and opinions. There is the issue of having enough space so that when people need a break or some quiet time there are options…thankfully we live in a large house with good spaces but at times it can be quite overwhelming. There also is defining my role as “bonus” Mom…my bonus kiddos have a Mom and live with her and trying to not jump immediately into Mom mode for the situations that primarily involve them is challenging. Also trying to figure out where appropriate boundaries are and when I need to help my husband parent and when I need to take a step back and let him do what he needs to is a new dynamic as well.

My boys have adjusted to our move but my third son really struggled with the whole process. He had a harder time adjusting to middle school than I expected and then the difficulty of being the new kid caused him to have his anxiety really spiral out of control. His diabetes can become an issue when he’s stressed and we have had a lot of vomiting issues and stomach troubles. Thankfully he is in an upswing and through good care from our Doctors he is doing better with his diabetic control and he is on a medicine which helps with his anxiety and I’m seeing more and more of my normal kiddo and not the angry kid I first saw a lot of after our move. The youngest is doing well as long as the routine is pretty set and standard…autism is challenging and his behaviors at school can be a struggle but we are continually working to try and help him thrive. 

So looking ahead…what does 2024 look like for us? Only God actually knows but I have some things that I want to work on and see happen in the the upcoming year.

I want to choose the adventures…go places, see things and experience things. My life for a long time was very small and I didn’t go places but I’m looking forward to getting to know a new city where we live and the beautiful parks and scenery around the part of the country where we live. I’m not going to let us be content with just being boring.

I want to choose love…to be present with my kids, to be the wife that my husband needs, to paint our home in love and grace…to have my kids feel comfortable and know that they are welcome no matter what! This goes for all the kiddos…not just mine but our whole big Bonus nest.

I want to stand up for what I deserve. Too often I find myself being a people pleaser and trying to make everyone else comfortable that in the process so that I’m well liked or accepted. However that only makes me a doormat and I’m not going to allow others to treat me as less or like I’m not worthy of time and attention. 

I want to continue to grow…I have been on a growth journey the last few years and I am not content to start to be stagnate or to limit my growth potential. I’m seeking and looking for good ways to make our home a healthy and happy place and to bring the good out of everyone so that we are growing and developing together.

Redefining

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I’m learning to redefine who I am.

For a long time I was very defined by the role of wife…and I’m no longer a wife. I’m now an ex-wife, a former wife, a once wife…all terms that are hard. I really wish that I was a widow instead of divorced. It would totally be easier and I don’t think I would be drowning in the stigma that comes along with being divorced.

Learning to define new boundaries between myself and my former spouse is REALLY HARD…he doesn’t get that we don’t do things together anymore…like picking out new phones on phone plans.

We decided that we would stay on the same phone plan because it’s too hard to figure out how to separate all 3 of the kids lines and it’s more affordable for both of us to stay on the same plan…but its time to upgrade…and he wants us to do it together…aka…I figure out the best phones and then take care of it…

I don’t know how to get him to realize that I am not picking out his stuff anymore…it’s not my place nor do I care.

Just pick a phone and be done…stop treating our new roles as just another way to make me be what you want.

YOU chose this…YOU didn’t want to go to counseling….YOU said that my life would be so much harder…YOU think I need you…reality is another story.

I’m in counseling and rediscovering who I am and finding potential for growth.

My life really hasn’t changed that much and it’s not that much harder without you and now that I don’t have to put up with your nonsense things are working better and I am not as stressed by superficial things

I really don’t need you…in fact I have said it often that it would actually be easier if you had died instead of us getting divorced because then you would be completely out of the picture…the only challenge right now is working around you.

I guess I don’t need you…I’m figuring out life on my own and to be honest this redefinition may be a benefit in disguise.

I’m doing things I have wanted to do for a while and it may be challenging and new I’m excited for what can be.

I’m figuring out how to do things independently and well

I’m redefining who I am and who I will be…