Love is patient
Love is kind
The Bible tells us about Love in I Corinthians 13
Love keeps no record of wrongs
This one is hard
I want to hold on
I want to be bitter
I want to blame and scream
I have to Love like God
God is LOVE
God shows us Love
Love is Hard
It happened again
You were frustrated
You yelled.
You were wronged
I was unsure
You cast blame.
I had to fix it
I have to fix it
I fix everything.
You don’t get it
You won’t get it
It’s all about you.
I’m done with this
I’m over the blame
I will rectify if I did wrong
But this is the End.
I’ve been picking up the pieces of my life
I have this image of what my life is supposed to be
Like a rubic cube with all the colors and squares perfect.
Someone dropped the rubic cube.
It’s in pieces on the floor and the stickers have all come off
I’m picking the pieces up
I’m going to realign the squares so the mechanism works
The colors will never be perfect again.
I’m learning to be okay with that
It’s a process but healing is happening
Rebuilding is happening
It will look different when finished
No longer broken, just changed.
Change is good
I’ve gotten lost.
I’ve lied to myself.
I’ve tried and tried.
I couldn’t make sense of what was happening.
It didn’t seem right or fair.
Negative thoughts filled my soul.
I needed peace and tranquility
I screamed words I didn’t ever think I would say.
You agreed, refused to listen or change.
I’m broken.
You still don’t see me
It’s all about you…and what you think things should be.
However, I don’t agree.
I’m not who I thought I was.
I’m not who you thought I am
This is bigger than me. This is bigger than you
I don’t hate you, but I can’t live with you.
I’m stronger alone than we were together…because I have to be and I always had to be.
You still don’t get it…but I’m starting to understand.
I’m finding ME again…
We’re counting down the end of summer.
20 days till college…
21 days till sophomore year…
22 days till 2nd grade…
3 more summer days with students…
2 weeks till I start the new school year and the toddler’s back to school…
I can’t believe we are here.
College is looming, registration is done, paperwork is submitted, finalizing financial aid, buying stuff for a dorm room…waiting impatiently to find out where on campus the Firstborn will be living…finishing up the final week of the summer job. It’s been a busy and full summer with lots of time to hang in the car on the way to and from work, lots of conversations and talks. Lots of driving time as we work on getting the elusive driver’s licence. Lots of clenched teeth and gasping as mom tries to keep her cool. It’s crazy and a summer full of memories.
Sophomore year is approaching. The sophomore has a lot to do this year and a lot of changes that need to happening academically. He’s matured as he rode his bike daily to summer school to try and correct mistakes made during the academic year. Lesson’s were learned as he tried to finish an online class and we learned that a classroom is probably a better fit for him. It’s been a summer of growing and changes…and fun. Youth group nights, camping with the family, going to summer camp, and getting his permit…
Second grade is happening…the 7 year old is learning lessons in being a good big brother, using technology responsibly and the consequences that come when you don’t. He’s also enjoying squirt guns, summer school reviews and fun with the family. It’s been a good summer for him and we’re enjoying some time before heading back to school.
The toddler is still not talking but having fun with his older siblings…potty training is looming on the horizon and while he liked parts of camping I can say it wasn’t his favorite. We are enjoying legos, pushing trucks and playing demolition derby. I’m excited to see what changes will occur in the next year and can’t believe my baby will be 2 in under 2 months!
My expectations for mothering need to shift and change. I’m gearing up for a new school year and dreading my oldest being gone and not home everyday. I’m plotting ways to be an encouragement and just needing a pat on the back once in a while. I feel like a big old failure and a success all at the same time. It’s a period of shifting and change and one that I’m trying to embrace while at the same time kicking and screaming as I try to avoid everything.
So that’s it in a nutshell…the countdown to a new school year and end of summer and looking ahead at what’s to come…
Tonight I’m sad.
I’m sad because I don’t have everything together and I forget things. I remembered tonight that there is a slideshow for graduation. I hadn’t looked at the Senior packet since March and opened it tonight and realized that I had missed the deadline. Big ol heaping pile of Mom guilt…I failed and forgot and missed something big. It’s a little thing but it’s important. In a panic I quickly emailed the person in charge of the slideshow and asked if there is anyway that I could still get my kid in the slideshow. And thankfully the person in charge is gracious to mom’s like me who forgot and as long as I have it by tomorrow it should be okay. Whew…I feel better but I’m still sad that I forgot.
I’m sad tonight because I had to explain to a little brother what going to college means. The first grader had no idea that college is someplace where you live when you go to school. That you don’t come home all the time and you don’t see the person who is going as much…and he started to cry and got real quiet and blue because the Firstborn is his champion, his buddy and it’s going to be a big adjustment. Watching him be sad made me sad and the waterworks have started again.
I’m sad because expectations for the end of Senior year and the reality of what has happened have not aligned. The Firstborn has had fun and is enjoying the final days of High School with all the chaos, fun, excitement and dread…but it’s not what I thought would go down. I had different expectations years ago and those expectations have not been met in the manner that I would like or want so I’m sad. I’m sad for the moments that I haven’t had but I’m happy for the moments that were granted. It’s such a balancing act and more often then not I feel like the man on the tightrope barely holding on before falling.
I’m sad. Being sad is not wrong or misguided, it’s an emotion where you can process the good, the bad, the hard, the challenging and then you can temper your other emotions and walk through the challenges.
I’m sad.
Toddlers…gotta love them…yes, you gotta love them even when they drive you to distraction!
We have a full blown toddler on our hands. 19 months old, full of curiosity, mischief, tantrums, giggles and mayhem!
The biggest challenge we are currently having with our toddler is the lack of language…lots of babbling but no words. Lots of grunts, squeals, cries, crankiness but not words. Lots of communication but no words.
Now this is the child who does things his way. I experienced 2 weeks of prodromal labor with him and it wasn’t until he was ready to make his appearance, and then he came in just over 2 hours (fastest labor of my life!). He walked on his knees for 2 months until he decided one day that he was ready to walk and then he stood up in the middle of the living room with no support and took 10 steps! I have a feeling that this is going to be how talking goes. He will babble and make noises until he is ready and then it will be complete sentences! I’m just waiting till he is ready…
Parenting these multiple age and stage children is a challenge and sometimes I feel like I need to go back to parenting school with the youngest because I forget what each stage is like but we just keep plugging along…also I am a different person in my forties that I was in my twenties and that contributes to my parenting. I’m not sweating the small stuff anymore. I may go gray before he’s five but I’m not going to overthink everything!
We are starting to see what life is going to be over the next few years. It’s a lot more time at home with the younger two and less time at home with the older two.
The big kids are busy. There are Saturday’s when one or both of them have activities outside of the house. This weekend was such a weekend. The Firstborn went to Planet Comic-con with friends. Gone all day long and busy having a good time. I got a few texts but knew everything was fine. The Freshman had a youth group service project and movie night with our church youth group. He was gone all day serving a member or our congregation and then hanging with the youth group playing games and watching the Case for Christ. He gave his phone to the Firstborn since hers is on the fritz and so I didn’t see or hear from him all day.
The hubby and I used to look forward to these days…that’s before we had the younger two. We thought that we would have time for just us and would be young empty nesters enjoying the next phase of life…and then God said we needed the younger two boys. So now we have the second family as it were…busy day’s full of diapers, toys, snacks, meals, etc, etc, etc…
It’s weird parenting two different family groups as it were…we have the “bigs” and the “littles”. The littles get dragged all over creation and spend a lot of time in cars picking kids up, dropping kids off and attending big kids activities. The big kids are growing into adults and working on juggling money, finding time in schedules for things they want to do and trying to keep grades up and balance fun and school. We’re also training them to be adults…so there are added responsibilities like mowing lawns, doing their own laundry, watching their brothers and harder household chores. Plus there is the added challenge of working our schedules around childcare and bedtimes…as the older kids have more evening events and we have a toddler who goes to bed early!
However, when the big kids are busy I realize just how lucky I am to have them. They really are helpful and do a lot of little things like let me go to the bathroom in peace and get dinner started without someone screaming at me….so as college looms and High School continues I’m going to have to adapt and change as the big kids move on to the next parts of their lives and we continue to help the little kids grow into big kids…if we didn’t totally mess up the first two there is hope for the second two!
Change is inevitable and we have to embrace all the different ages and stages…I could cry, scream and throw fits but it won’t make a difference…instead I’m learning to hone my parenting skills, embrace the chaos and hope that I’m not screwing everything and everyone up as I do life.
We have 4 kids…who attend 4 different schools. Crazy huh!
Today was a day where I am feeling the pull of the different ages and stages of kids and the stuff that goes with each of them.
The Firstborn is a Senior and attends our Local High School. Currently the extra curricular activities the firstborn is doing are Theatre, Scholar Bowl and Service Learning. Today was a Scholar Bowl day and so we needed a ride at near 5.
The Freshman is attending the local Middle School Freshmen Center and fortunately for me today he is not involved in anything happening and is available to help around the house with the littles.
The 6 year old attends the elementary school nearest us and it’s been a fun Spirit Week for him so this morning we had to find pennies so that he could wear PJ’s to school today. Then his school had a fundraiser at the local Culver’s so we had a mommy date to go and get ice cream. He enjoyed the one on one time and I tried so hard to make it home before dinner was done cooking…but fortunately I have the big kids to get stuff out and make sure nothing burns. We enjoyed some quality one on one time and I had dessert before dinner…
The toddler had a Mommy day today. I was off for probably the last Thursday for awhile as my work schedule will be changing. He and I had fun playing cars, reading books, watching TV and enjoying hanging out together. He didn’t nap super great today so he has an earlier bedtime tonight but we had good time together today.
Finally the Firstborn is working on getting healthier and eating better. She wants to go to the gym tonight and as I have the membership with guest passes she and I will be heading out soon.
The needs of the many and finding balance with the needs of the few. The kiddos being the many and mom being the few! It’s a juggling act sometimes but we make it work to the best of our abilities. It’s hard and rewarding all at the same time and I am grateful that I am able to accomplish as much as I can. The goal this year is to be Purposeful and I feel like I may have accomplished a little of this today as I tried to meet the needs of each of my awesome kids.
Do you like to travel? I do.
Do you like long car rides that go on forever as you eagerly anticipate the destination…me not so much. So when I travel I count down the miles to different places and track the mileage signs. I also do this because I usually need a bathroom break and who ever is driving will say we will stop when we get to such and such destination.
I’m traveling a different road currently. In mothering we are approaching a pretty significant milestone and I’m not sure that I’m ready for it. Graduation is approaching.
The Firstborn is graduating in May. It’s a huge Milestone and I’m super proud of all of the activities, accomplishments and fun that have been packed into the last 4 years of High School, but I’m also feeling overwhelmed and sad. My baby is gearing up to leave the nest. College is looming on the horizon and while that is exciting and the next thing that should happen in the education cycle but I’m also sad. I’m sad because it means that the family dynamic will change and have to adapt.
We got the graduation packet this week. It tells us all the information that parents need to know about graduation, the timelines of everything and the expectations. I’m glad they are on top of everything but I’m not ready for it yet. This milestone is coming to rapidly and I just want time to slow down.
So if you see me and I’m feeling weepy it’s probably this…trying to soak in as much time as possible before this milestone is upon us. Trying to enjoy all the eye rolls, stressful moments and everything that goes with parenting an almost adult as I also start thinking about letting her go into the scary next steps. It’s a whole lot of praying and asking God for help and trusting that He is able to take better care of her then I ever could.
Life is an adventure for sure and I’m trying to focus, to enjoy and sometimes to hold on for dear life!
thiswannabewonderwoman 