Farewell to 2021

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

It’s the end of the year we have 2 days to go.

Looking back on the year 2021.

The Good:

I got 2 raises at work this year. Increased my net pay being brought home by me monthly so my budget is easier.

I took the boys on a family vacation to South Dakota. We had a good time camping with my folks and saw Mount Rushmore, Jewel Cave and other fun things.

Financial things that I worried about were not as big as I thought they were going to be and I am doing fine…more coming in than going out.

My kids are doing well in school, learning new things. The firstborn is closer to finishing college and the 19 year old is doing well at his job.

I celebrated my 10 year anniversary at work and I feel like I’m having a pretty good year as a teacher.

I have good friends who have come beside me and been a huge encouragement so I am thankful for the positive people in my life.

The Bad:

The firstborn and I don’t always see eye to eye on things and they have taken measures that ensure what they want regardless of what I approve of so that is challenging

Autism is sometimes kicking my butt…the youngest struggles with things and when he struggles, I struggle

Diabetes is a never ending roller coaster of Highs and Lows and so much thinking…it’s challenging

The Ugly:

The divorce is final and I am now an exwife…still coming to grips on this one and since I have to see the ex frequently due to us having kids together its extra hard sometimes.

All in all I’m not sad to see this year go…not sure what 2022 will bring but I am hopeful that there will be positive changes.

Empathy and Effort

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I’m a very empathetic person.

I feel things deeply

I feel for others deeply

I cry over book characters, movie characters and hard situations.

My heart swells when something good happens for someone else

I feel their grief and sorrow when they are sad.

I Love Big…I have a big personality and I feel things Big, I’m loud, I’m exuberant I’m Big.

I’m a Big personality dealing with a BIG Holiday!!!

CHRISTMAS…CHRISTMAS….CHRISTMAS…CHRISTMAS

The effort for Christmas this year is extra hard due to my empathy.

The lack of effort by others, the lack of effort put into simple things and the amount of excuses as to why that effort is missing is making my empathy trigger.

I feel sorry for them…I shouldn’t but I do.

I feel if I had not spoken up for myself when I did that it wouldn’t be an issue and all would be well this Christmas and things would be as they SHOULD be….

But the Should be is a smokescreen.

My empathy and soul was being crushed in the relationship and I was getting lost.

I spent so much time trying to be better and never measuring up enough that I fell into a pit of despair.

I was broken in my soul, beaten up in my emotions and feeling like I was rotting from the inside out.

I could only see the negative…I don’t like the negative…I like to be positive.

I was pushing the snowball to the top of the mountain and the path only was getting longer, the ball was getting heavier and the mountain was getting steeper.

I let go…and here we are…

The effort is different, the effort for me outside of one relationship is easier…the guilt and pain are becoming less…

I’m seeing the good again

I’m feeling things I should feel again

There is a brighter side to things and things are being accomplished.

Its Hard…so Hard sometimes…but its the good kind of hard…not the despair kind. There is a positive side to the hard.

But CHRISTMAS….CHRISTMAS…CHRISTMAS!!!!

The empathy and effort of Christmas is challenging…worthwhile but challenging.

Irony

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Being a parent of a child with Autism the Irony of life is often on full display

Here a definition of Irony

noun

  1. the expression of one’s meaning by using language that normally signifies the opposite, typically for humorous or emphatic effect.”“Don’t go overboard with the gratitude,” he rejoined with heavy irony”Similar:sarcasmsardonicismdrynesscausticitysharpnessacerbityacidbitternesstrenchancymordancycynicismmockerysatireridiculederisionscornsneeringwrynessbackhandednesssarkinessOpposite:sincerity
    • a state of affairs or an event that seems deliberately contrary to what one expects and is often amusing as a result.plural noun: ironies“the irony is that I thought he could help me”Similar:paradoxparadoxical natureincongruityincongruousnesspeculiarityOpposite:logic
    • a literary technique, originally used in Greek tragedy, by which the full significance of a character’s words or actions are clear to the audience or reader although unknown to the character.noun: dramatic irony; plural noun: tragic irony

The irony of my youngest’s life is on full display today.

This is the child who despises the noise that vacuum cleaners make. He covers his ears, he screams, he runs away…and yet this is the child who today has spilled a bag of sugar all over the kitchen floor on purpose…he climbed into the cabinet to get it down. He also spilled the remainder of his bag of popcorn all over the living room rug and then cried when he stepped on the unpopped kernels. So tonight I will have to use the vacuum to get the remainder of the stuff off the floor that I can’t sweep with a broom and dustpan…and he will scream, run away and cover his ears…gotta love the irony.

If I can’t find some sort of bright side to the situation I may just lose it…

The Melancholy of Christmas

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

“Christmastime is Here…time for joy and cheer…” Remember the Peanuts Christmas special…this is the theme song but it’s not full of joy and praise…its in a minor key and sounds sad.

I’m feeling a little bit like this song today…full of melancholy.

I want to be joyful this Christmas…I do.

I’ve gotten all but 3 things bought…they are planned just not purchased.

I’m wearing Christmas clothes and my holiday fun stuff.

My house is decorated and pretty and I’m enjoying the decorations.

I have plans to bake and make all the things that I remember from Christmas growing up and trying to build special memories with my kids.

But I’m also feeling sad.

I’m sad that the things WE used to do all together are now divided between him and me.

I’m sad that I don’t have a husband to shop for and try to come up with something that he would like or appreciate…he was really hard to shop for…

I’m not sure what I even want to be gifted and there isn’t the anticipation of him remembering something I may have mentioned and surprising me or the gift of someone knowing you well and finding the perfect thing.

So I’m looking for the JOY…embracing the sad…and sitting with the Melancholy of it all…and I may watch a Peanuts Christmas and commiserate with Charlie Brown.

Avoiding Yet Conquering

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I got frustrated today.

I was asked to do something that will be a benefit to me but I don’t want to do it.

I’m tired of being the go to person for so many things.

It’s like the passing of the buck…sorry I’m not Harry Truman and I don’t think that the Buck stops Here.

So I took that ball of frustration, that piece of sourness that spoils the milk, the pit in your stomach that makes you want to cry and I challenged myself to do something productive but not the thing that I was asked to do.

I cleaned part of the basement, I organized a few things, got rid of several bags of trash and walked away feeling a sense of accomplishment.

So I’m avoiding the thing I don’t want to do by conquering something I’ve been putting off..

I think it’s a win right??

Hard

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I’m currently sitting on my couch in my living room contemplating life.

I brought up the boxes of Christmas decorations this morning…they are still sitting by the front door.

I brought up the Christmas tree too…it’s still in its bag sitting by the stairs.

The 5 year old is eyeing my vacuum cleaner and freaking out because he doesn’t like it.

The 19 year old has left for an extra shift of mandatory overtime and he’s angry that he has to go tonight.

The 10 year old is hanging out in his room and has had blood sugars all over the place today.

The college kid went back to college this morning and has so much on their plate even I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all.

Life is Hard…Single Parenting this brood is Hard.

Autism, diabetes, young adult guiding all take a lot out of a person on a one on one basis and I’m dealing with it all.

I want to decorate and get ready for Christmas…I want to find Joy and Hope and Peace and see the Christ child for who He is and be grateful for the gift of Jesus…but tonight…tonight it’s hard…hard to get off the couch.

It’s hard to see past the little for the bigger picture…it’s hard to know how to guide my young adults to be the people they need to be. It’s hard to deal with the craziness that is autism and the hundreds of little decisions that have to be made daily to deal with diabetes.

It’s hard knowing that I go back to work tomorrow and I will need to pour into the 8 little people in my class love and kindness and fun…it’s time well spent but it’s Hard.

However I’m thankful for the Hard.

I’m thankful that I have been gifted these 4 people to guide and love and help to grow…they all deal with their individual stuff and I am part of it…I’m a sounding board for my oldest, I’m a hug and a meal for the 19 year old, I help keep the 10 year old alive and I get the best hugs from the 5 year old.

I’m blessed to have worked at a school for 10 years where I am seen as someone who has good ideas who treats children well and is equipped to lead a classroom through the challenges of the toddler years.

I have more than I need and I am grateful for a roof over my head, a good job and resources to get my boys the therapies and tools to make their lives better and richer.

In so many ways I’m a blessed lady…so I am thankful for the Hard. I’m thankful for the strength and forgiveness of Christ and I’m being made perfect as I give my children back to Him and trust that He will guide and help them.

You Blink

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Parenting is the hardest job in the entire world.

It’s exhausting, it’s challenging, its non stop.

There are not many breaks, there are moments where you aren’t focused 100% but always in the back of your mind there are your kids.

You are 100% in the trenches, in the midst of it and then one day you look up and realize.

They are 5 years old this week.

You blinked and they are turning 5.

They are in 5th grade this week…didn’t they just start kindergarten?

You blinked and they are in 5th grade.

They are getting ready to start a career job…

You blinked and they are 18 and starting in the workforce.

They started their 4th year of college.

You blinked and they are 21 and living independently half a state away.

I’m feeling overwhelmed by the ages and stages, the balance of figuring out the ins and outs but I know I will blink and it will have changed again.

It’s Hard

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Autism is Hard

Type 1 Diabetes is Hard

Divorce is Hard

Parenting young adults is Hard

Teaching Preschool is Hard

This is my life…it’s Hard.

I’m struggling right now with finding good in the Hard.

Redefining

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I’m learning to redefine who I am.

For a long time I was very defined by the role of wife…and I’m no longer a wife. I’m now an ex-wife, a former wife, a once wife…all terms that are hard. I really wish that I was a widow instead of divorced. It would totally be easier and I don’t think I would be drowning in the stigma that comes along with being divorced.

Learning to define new boundaries between myself and my former spouse is REALLY HARD…he doesn’t get that we don’t do things together anymore…like picking out new phones on phone plans.

We decided that we would stay on the same phone plan because it’s too hard to figure out how to separate all 3 of the kids lines and it’s more affordable for both of us to stay on the same plan…but its time to upgrade…and he wants us to do it together…aka…I figure out the best phones and then take care of it…

I don’t know how to get him to realize that I am not picking out his stuff anymore…it’s not my place nor do I care.

Just pick a phone and be done…stop treating our new roles as just another way to make me be what you want.

YOU chose this…YOU didn’t want to go to counseling….YOU said that my life would be so much harder…YOU think I need you…reality is another story.

I’m in counseling and rediscovering who I am and finding potential for growth.

My life really hasn’t changed that much and it’s not that much harder without you and now that I don’t have to put up with your nonsense things are working better and I am not as stressed by superficial things

I really don’t need you…in fact I have said it often that it would actually be easier if you had died instead of us getting divorced because then you would be completely out of the picture…the only challenge right now is working around you.

I guess I don’t need you…I’m figuring out life on my own and to be honest this redefinition may be a benefit in disguise.

I’m doing things I have wanted to do for a while and it may be challenging and new I’m excited for what can be.

I’m figuring out how to do things independently and well

I’m redefining who I am and who I will be…

21 years

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I was married for 21 years…and now I’m not married anymore.

I’m not married anymore…that’s a hard statement.

I’ve been defined for 21 in a certain role…wife…I’m not a wife anymore. I’m a once married person, I’m single, I’m divorced.

Divorced…that’s a word I never thought I would be.

Divorced is a dirty word in my culture…good Christian’s don’t get divorced. We say till death do us part so if the other person is not dead then we are a failure or a sinner of high order.

I’m Divorced.

Divorce was not on my radar until it was the only thing on my radar. I didn’t wake up one morning and want to end my marriage. Instead I was going along like I always did until something snapped and in the middle of a fight I said I can’t do this anymore I want a Divorce.

And he said OK

He printed the paperwork, decided what needed to be done and things were put in motion in a short time period before I could even wrap my mind around what I had said.

There was fear and there still is fear.

There was anger and there still is anger.

There is disbelief and shock…and those feelings still remain.

The process is done…it has been done since the end of March.

Change is happening…the house is now just mine…the kids are with me the most…I sleep alone.

I’m more at peace, I’m learning who I am and I’m not feeling as negative as I once did.

I’m finding my Happy…I’m learning what I need…I’m finding out who I am as just me.

Who am I? I’m a Mom…I’m a friend…I’m a teacher…I’m a dreamer…I’m a helper…I’m a daughter…I’m a child…I’m a learner…I’m a much loved Child of God.

I can be strong alone.

I can be vulnerable.

I can make things work

I can figure things out

I am who I am and God love me for who I am and I will be okay…

But I am not who I was 21 years ago…I’m different.