Lone

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

aka…what I am feeling as I am now the only everyday parent to 2 boys with lots of challenges and needs…

I’m currently sitting in my kitchen on a work day. I don’t usually sit in my kitchen on a work day…I’m supposed to be at work. I was at work…and then I got the text on my phone that my child is sick. I hate those phone calls. So I let my boss know…and today its okay…they can get me out of my room easily and can figure out how to cover everything…that’s not always the case.

I’ve been thinking about the parenting dynamic of my life recently. Yes, I am a single Mom…have been since September 2020..I am the custodial parent…have been since the end of March 2021…but in reality I have been the LONE parent for the majority of my children’s lives…and I have been a parent for 21 years.

What does it mean to be the LONE parent? It means that I am the one who takes care and figures everything out in relation to the children. I am the one who has gone to every doctor’s appointment, every parent teacher conference, every meeting, every activity everything that I can possibly and physically make. Where is the other parent? Well, he comes when it suits him, when he can’t use something else as an excuse, when he’s well rested and not overly tired, or when his not coming and helping makes him look bad. I am fine with excusing things when you have scheduled things at work, when there is a genuine schedule conflict but there are times when you need to be much more available and step in and help.

I hate that I have to figure out everything…

I hate the thought that I can just let him know what’s going on instead of him taking an active interest in things.

I hate that there is always and excuse or reason for him to yet again not step up and help.

I’m tired of being told how HARD his visits are and that 3 hours is just a long time.

I’m tired of him not caring how HARD mothering HIS children is on ME.

These kids are 50% his DNA…he’s their dad. I didn’t make them myself…and they are boys so that is not in my genetic ability…and yet I am their safe place. I am their caregiver, I am the one they want to be around and who they look for when they are struggling and sad.

I hate the assumption that I will do it better because he doesn’t want or need to do more as long as he covers their medical costs(which are significant) and child support.

I hate the fact that he thinks that 3 hours every other weekend is giving me “a break”.

I HATE being the Lone parent…I would much rather Co-Parent…but right now…I don’t have that option.

However being a Lone Parent doesn’t mean that I am ALONE…

I am grateful for encouragement from others as I walk along this journey.

I am thankful for cards and notes from people who want to support me in tangible ways.

I am grateful for people who listen and encourage and give me hugs and tell me that they love me.

I am appreciative of those who step in and meet me where I am.

And I have a BIG GOD on my side who help to bear my burden and brings me encouragement and love. You never know how Strong you are until that is the only thing you have to be.

4 am

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It’s 4 am and I’m awake…

I should be sleeping.

It’s 4 am and I am awake…I’m awake because of the stupid disease that affects my son. Type 1 Diabetes doesn’t have a time table. Alerts wake me up at night and it’s hard to go back to sleep.

It’s 4 am and I’m awake…I’m awake because autism effects sleep and little boys need their Mama’s in the middle of the night and Mom’s wake up and comfort and provide and then you can’t go back to sleep.

It’s 4 am and I’m awake…I’m awake because I can’t turn off my brain…I continue to wrap my mind around so many things…some good, some bad, some needed, some not needed, some wanted, some unsure.

It’s 4 am and I’m awake…I want to sleep…I need to sleep…I’m so tired.

I’m tired from doing everything that I have to do because it’s just me.

I’m tired because I’m divorced and single and I have to shoulder my load and figure out how to fit all the pieces that could be carried by another into my schedule and make it all happen.

I’m tired because I have small children and I work with small children and everyone has needs.

I’m tired because not all of my needs are getting met because there are only so many hours in the day and sometimes you have to push things to the side because there just isn’t time.

I’m tired because I’m wound of up so tight that it’s impossible to relax at times.

I’m tired because I overthink…because in the past if I didn’t and something happened the wrong way I would be scrambling and now I don’t know how to not overthink even when I don’t want to be overthinking…

I’m tired…and It’s 4 am…and I’m awake.

Being Broken

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I wrote this several months ago…and I found it this morning in my journal…I’m sharing it here because I have been reading the Book of Job as a study and I’m reminded that I am more than the things I feel and the problems I face.

We use the verse out of context so often about God not giving us more than we can handle. God DOES give us More than we can Handle.  He DOES.  He absolutely will give us more than we can handle because it is only then when we absolutely are pushed to the point that we no longer can do anything about anything.  Its when the situation is hopeless and full of pain, agony and you no longer want to deal or process and you are so overwhelmed that we in our humanity, our stubbornness or pride will look to the heavens and say “ God I NEED YOU!”  

I NEED YOU…to carry this emotion because it is too heavy for me.

I NEED YOU…to hug me close like a Father and tell me that YOU are Near.

I NEED YOU…to bring some kind of calmness to the chaos of my soul.

I NEED YOU…to show me that you are the divine Keeper of all Things.

I NEED YOU…to bring to light all the things I can’t see.

I’m broken.

I’m frustrated and holding on to a layer of guilt that I have placed on myself from a situation that I initiated but didn’t want.

I’m angry with the person who I built my life around who views the family unit as only being important when he feels like it and can be condescending, mean and intimidating.  

I’m Tired of being made small in the eyes of someone who can’t do all the things that I do on a daily basis and complains that things are too HARD…when in reality they are not.

I’m irritated by the fact that when the reality of my life is brought forth people will judge me for not keeping my marriage together as if that is the worst possible sin in the world because God Hates Divorce.

I’m bothered by the fact that I feel that people will judge me when they learn that I am divorced or look down on me for not keeping my marriage together after 21 years…even though they do not live with me or see the change that was and is necessary when you and the person you committed to start treating each other in a toxic manner and only 1 of you is capable of change.

I’m struggling with boundaries and not being a pushover because I feel bad that things have ended and I will put others first and sometimes that is not what I should be doing.

I’m feeling like the Black sheep of the family…even though there is divorce, and other big sins around…mine must be so much worse because I am a failure.

That is the root of it…I’m broken and I’m a FAILURE.  I had one job…to stay married until Death Do Us Part…and he’s still alive and I’m not Married…so yeah…I’m broken.  I’m a mess and I need to figure out how to go from wallowing to thriving.

I’m spiraling…like water down the drain.  I’m pushing the world up like Atlas…only to see it fall.  I’m HUMAN.  

I’m HUMAN…I have faults, I have problems, I have struggles, I have challenges.  I’m NOT invincible, I’m not all knowing.

I AM….

A beloved child of God

A Daughter of the King

A Believer Saved by Grace

A mother of 4 great kids

A daughter of amazing parents

A teacher of the tiny people who think I am great.

A person who is worth knowing

Spiraling

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I’m spiraling…one minute I’m happy and at peace the next I’m a big bottle of emotions trapped under so much pressure that I think I’m going to pop.

I’m spiraling…one moment I think things are going to be easier and then I turn around and everything is hard again.

I’m spiraling…I have to do lists as long as my arms and I want to accomplish things but I am also tired and not sure where to start.

I’m spiraling…I’m overthinking, trying and wishing, laughing and crying, feeling like a crazy person, watching my hair turn gray…I’m spiraling.

I just want it to stop…I don’t know what to do…I hate having to do so much alone and be so much to so many people. I just want some HELP…I’m trapped in a whirlpool with my head above the water but I feel like I’m going to be sucked down and I don’t know what to do…I DON”T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

I’m tired…I’m TIRED…I’m wound up so tightly and I feel things so deeply and I just want a hug and someone to help it be okay…

My life is messy…with lots of things that make me wish I could run away…but there’s no one but me when it comes to my kids…they need me.

My life is challenging…with tantrums and fits and trying to meet people where they are and uplift and not bring down but also to guide and feel…and it’s exhausting.

My life feels like a race and the finish line is so far away…there is just mile after mile and I know one day it will all be worth it and I will look back and be amazed at all the ways and things that I accomplished…but today the mountain seems unsurmountable, the challenges are too hard and I’m spiraling.

Stuck

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I’m feeling stuck today…

I’m stuck in a funk

I’m stuck in a rut

I’m stuck, I’m stuck, I’m stuck…

I hate this feeling…

I can’t get myself to accomplish anything…

I’ve tried…

I’m failing…

I”M STUCK!

Life is too Overwhelming…

I’m tired to being needed all the time…

I’m tired of having to shoulder the load…

I’m stuck

I have projects I need to finish

I have things I want to do but tonight

Tonight I’m Stuck.

Balancing Act

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Being a full time single mom is challenging.

Being a full time working mom is challenging.

I’m struggling with balancing being my kids mom and doing what’s best for them with my feelings about my job and working.

I have 1 kid with definite Covid symptoms…I have 1 kid with no symptoms…

I have 2 kids home from school today…

Both kids have been tested.

We’re waiting for the results.

I hate waiting.

I’m trying to do the right thing and keep my kids away from other people so we don’t spread this stupid virus around…I’m so tired of this virus.

I’m frustrated because I am a hard worker and I hate having to miss and I know that my absence makes things at work all the more challenging and frustrating for my boss and coworkers.

But if I choose work over my kids I’m not being a responsible parent..and if I choose my kids over my work then I’m being a bad worker…and it’s a wagon wheel of guilt and blame and shifting and struggle…

BUT…

I will stay home and keep my kids away from others

I will work on things for work as much as I am able from a safe distance to protect my students

I will do what needs to be done and try to silence the unseen judgement and critics who I think are watching me..

Taking Care of Me

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I’m learning how to take care of myself again.

For a long time I worried only about my kids and family and put myself last.

I’m learning that sometimes I have to put myself first.

It’s okay to do things that make me feel good or help me to relax.

Tonight I lit a candle in my room…just because I wanted to…I like the flicker and the glow…it makes me feel cozy.

I’m taking care of my skin…I haven’t done a mask in a long time…so I have one on my face and I’m enjoying the feel, sluffing off the bad and then moisturizing the good…I need to do this more often.

I’m enjoying the quiet…the peace, the relaxation of the moments when the children are in bed and the house is calm.

I’m going to bed early tonight…I need some extra sleep.

I’m taking care of me…and it feels good.

Letting Go

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I have to let go of my guilt.

I have to let go of my shame.

I have to let go of the “what if”.

I have to let go of the expectations.

I have to let go of inadequacy.

I have to let go of the pain.

I don’t know how…

I’m struggling…

I’m feeling undervalued.

I’m feeling like a doormat.

I’m feeling blah and hurt.

I want to be valued.

I want to be appreciated.

I want to be more than I am.

I’m not finding the balance.

I’m not feeling joy.

I hate having to be strong all the time.

I want to be weaker.

I want someone to help.

I want someone to meet me where I am and pick up the slack.

I want what I don’t have and I need to get back to what I do have and do my best.

This process is Hard.

What Now?

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It’s been one of those days…not bad but not good, not short but not long, frustrating yet satisfying its just not making a whole lot of sense.

My oldest called tonight because they needed to talk to someone and have human interaction. While we are on the phone the 10 year old has a full on angst attack over a reading log…and how he doesn’t want to read at home…this is stupid, I hate this…and on and on and on…until I’m just like…turn on the subtitles…that’s reading!

My youngest is struggling with getting back into the groove at school…I’ve not really been on top of stuff this week so that could be partly my fault but hopefully this weekend things will get more back to normal.

Its cold…bitterly cold and I’m not feeling life right now…I want to put on cozy socks, find a blanket and either read or watch TV until I don’t want to…but I can’t…and that’s not my favorite.

It’s a new year, a new week, some new things at work but really I’m just feeling like…What Now?

I’m trying to shift my perspective and focus but tonight…tonight I’m just like forget it…not worth it…not happening…so What Now?

A Shift

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It’s the first day of a New Year…January 1.

The world has been in a pandemic for almost 2 years…COVID-19…there have been lockdowns, there have been essential workers, there was no school for too long, there is nothing that feels “normal” and we wear a mask more places than I like and there is a lot of division about so many things.

The world feels like a tinderbox…like we are pouring gasoline on dry material and at any moment the match will be struck…I’ve lived this for a lot of my adult life…when my marriage was good it was good…but when we were struggling(which happened a lot)it felt like the tinderbox…I struck the match in 2020 and my whole world seemed to burn down…

There is a shift though…a change as it were…I’m not in the same place I once was…there’s been a shift…

A shift in my perspective…I’ve been a single mom for most of the years of my mothering…my former spouse is a dad when he wants to be or it suits him…he’s not particularly hands on and finds the extra stuff with kids to not be his favorite…so I’ve done the majority of the parenting for my kids life…so nothing has really changed when it comes to my mothering…but I’m learning to be more at peace with the choices and experiences that the kids and I have together.

A shift in my priorities…I’m learning to not always put myself last…sometimes I have to be first…selfish huh…but when I constantly put myself last I find myself empty and spent…so I’m learning to take care of my needs before my kids sometimes when it’s needed. On an airplane they say to put on your oxygen mask first and then the kids…I have to do that with more areas of my life.

A shift in my thinking…I’ve been blaming myself for all the problems and challenges of my past relationship. However I forgot that I was one half of the marriage…I can work on me as much as I am able and try and change and be more but when your partner doesn’t think they need to change or adapt or that they could be part of the problem…you end up with a whole lot of hurt, mountains of resentment and a stressed out individual. I’m learning to be done with shouldering the blame for what is happening in my family…especially if I’m not the issue or problem.

A shift in my mothering…I’m learning that sometimes I have to do what is best for my kids and me because I’m the one who is living my life…not my parents, not my former spouse, not my friends…Me…so if I do things that work for us and it doesn’t make a lot of sense to others than that’s okay…I’m not living the life of others and they are not living my life…I’m sorry if you think it not’s right…you don’t live here…and if you want to come and try and “fix” my life then you are welcome to try but I know myself and my kids best so it may be best just to do it our way!

A shift in my attitudes about myself…I’m done being treated as someone who is less than I am…for too long I listened to someone who forgot about the amazing things I do and the amazing person I am and saw only the things that made me less…instead I need to see myself how God sees me…as someone to be cherished, who is special, unique, and talented in ways that make me who I am. I’m learning that I am a pretty great person and I don’t have to prove my worth to anyone else but see myself how God sees me…a creation of His who is worthy love and good things.