Thoughts on a New Year

January 3, 2024 ~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

The New Year is a good time to reflect, think and ponder about all the things that have happened the previous year and all the things you may want to happen differently in the coming year.

To be honest 2023 was a good year for me full of lots of good and big things. I got engaged, eloped, and moved across the country! We started the process of blending 2 families…which has been a whole different experience. I was able to really relax and not worry about working but focus mainly on being a mom. I have discovered that I enjoy cooking so much more when there is someone who truly enjoys the effort and care you put into the food you make. Having someone be appreciative of the little ways you help and who tells and shows you and equally helps with the process of making a home and family experience is amazing.

There have been some challenges and adjustments that I am still getting used. I’m very comfortable with my own children. We have routines and structures that work for us…and blending into a new family has been challenging. My bonus kids also are not here as much as my kids are with us so the dynamic with 4 or 5 is a lot easier than with 7 or 8…depending on which adult children are around…if we are all here together than its 9 people…and that’s a large number of personalities, appetites and opinions. There is the issue of having enough space so that when people need a break or some quiet time there are options…thankfully we live in a large house with good spaces but at times it can be quite overwhelming. There also is defining my role as “bonus” Mom…my bonus kiddos have a Mom and live with her and trying to not jump immediately into Mom mode for the situations that primarily involve them is challenging. Also trying to figure out where appropriate boundaries are and when I need to help my husband parent and when I need to take a step back and let him do what he needs to is a new dynamic as well.

My boys have adjusted to our move but my third son really struggled with the whole process. He had a harder time adjusting to middle school than I expected and then the difficulty of being the new kid caused him to have his anxiety really spiral out of control. His diabetes can become an issue when he’s stressed and we have had a lot of vomiting issues and stomach troubles. Thankfully he is in an upswing and through good care from our Doctors he is doing better with his diabetic control and he is on a medicine which helps with his anxiety and I’m seeing more and more of my normal kiddo and not the angry kid I first saw a lot of after our move. The youngest is doing well as long as the routine is pretty set and standard…autism is challenging and his behaviors at school can be a struggle but we are continually working to try and help him thrive.

So looking ahead…what does 2024 look like for us? Only God actually knows but I have some things that I want to work on and see happen in the the upcoming year.

I want to choose the adventures…go places, see things and experience things. My life for a long time was very small and I didn’t go places but I’m looking forward to getting to know a new city where we live and the beautiful parks and scenery around the part of the country where we live. I’m not going to let us be content with just being boring.

I want to choose love…to be present with my kids, to be the wife that my husband needs, to paint our home in love and grace…to have my kids feel comfortable and know that they are welcome no matter what! This goes for all the kiddos…not just mine but our whole big Bonus nest.

I want to stand up for what I deserve. Too often I find myself being a people pleaser and trying to make everyone else comfortable that in the process so that I’m well liked or accepted. However that only makes me a doormat and I’m not going to allow others to treat me as less or like I’m not worthy of time and attention.

I want to continue to grow…I have been on a growth journey the last few years and I am not content to start to be stagnate or to limit my growth potential. I’m seeking and looking for good ways to make our home a healthy and happy place and to bring the good out of everyone so that we are growing and developing together.

Whatever This Is

February 17, 2023February 17, 2023 ~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Isaiah 61:3 “And provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”

My Divorce was a period of deep mourning in my soul. I was broken, hurt, alarmed,fearful and angry. I started working on things that I had pushed aside, that had been made small. I took a deep and honest look at who I am and I started to unpeel the parts and work on the areas that needed attention. I was convinced that I was done with marriage, done with men and I was content to be alone. I wasn’t going to go down that road again, I had been hurt too much, it wasn’t worth it. I was content to be a single woman alone.

Time has a way of changing things…as I worked on myself I started to heal. I started to feel things again, and I started to like myself again. I hadn’t liked myself for a long time…I was so trying to be something I wasn’t and truly can’t be that I became so wound up I would literally tick…I was a giant spring about to snap under tension. I stopped ticking…I was able finally to be me. I poured myself into fixing my house…making it my home…being comfortable in my own spaces. I poured myself into getting to know my children in a new and different way. To be the mom I wanted to be without being told it would be better this way…or feeling inadequate when we make mistakes. I started to relax, to embrace the positive side of life…to enjoy the time and moments I have.

It was during this period that I decided that maybe I was ready to possibly go on a date or two…so I joined on a whim a dating website…for exactly 18 hours…and in those 18 hours I received 10 messages, a bunch of random likes or smiles and just an overwhelming sense of creepiness. This process scared me to death…and I was like…nope, not happening, I’m not ready for this. I’m okay by myself…no thank you if this is what modern dating looks like then nope…I’ll be single! I remember sitting in my room on my bed and praying basically telling God that if HE wanted someone in my life…a partner for me, a helper and friend and confidant and love…then He would have to drop him in my lap! And I left it there and continued on with my life…not worried, not looking, not wanting anything.

And then God stepped in...

The last week of December 2021 I was on Facebook and a longtime friend from college posted a picture of his living room and tree with the statement… Burnt cookies and a messy living room. I think I’ll leave the apartment looking like this for a few days and cherish the new memories to be made with the kids. AKA divorce speak…looking for positives in a bleak situation…not using specifics but wanting to be heard. I filed it away and mentioned to another friend that I thought someone I knew from college was getting or just gotten divorced and then I didn’t really think about it…until…the Pittsburgh Steelers made the Playoffs. And that starts the most unexpected adventure in my life story…

January 10, 2022 it’s 1:52 in the morning and my Facebook messenger pings…with the following message…Shall we make a friendly wager on the game Sunday? and I’m like…what are you thinking…and he says…Dinner and a movie…seriously you decide. And I’m like…I don’t make good decisions at 2:00 in the morning…and I will get back to you later…

This began a new chapter in my life. We started chatting…first through Facebook messenger…then we exchanged phone numbers and texted and then finally we started talking on the phone. He would message and check in on me…if I posted about a sick kid he would ask about them, he wanted to know what was happening in my life and cared about the little things…things he didn’t have to care about. I started getting Good Morning texts and looking forward to our conversations at night after a long day of work…and getting to chat little bits throughout the day as we shared something funny or meaningful. I got flowers for Valentine’s Day…not expected just sent and it was as if a part of my heart was changing…I sent him BBQ on his birthday and we started thinking maybe this reconnection was something bigger than either of us expected. We have named our relationship Whatever This Is…because we weren’t looking for each other…two old friends who went to Bible College together and played way too much ROOK. I can’t be falling for him…this is impossible…why us, why now?

Fast forward to just past the one year mark…we have seen each other in person, we visit each other as often as we can…we talk multiple times daily and the running total for hours spent on the phone is around 35-50 per month. We text back and forth and carry on conversations on 4 different social media platforms. We know each other so well we can tell if the other is having a struggle based on tone of voice, memes sent or just general attitudes. It’s good, it’s healthy, it’s right…we help each other…we support each other. We pray for each other, we encourage each other to grow in our personal and spiritual lives. There is a sense that we are a team…just separated by distance but we have each other’s back. We are friends first and the romance has blossomed and grown. The love we have for each other is so much sweeter than we ever could have expected because of the challenges and struggles we have each faced as we journeyed to this period of time.

So at the 1 year, 1 Month 1 day mark he asked me if I would be willing to jump into the mix with him, to face the struggles that a large blended family brings…he has kids, I have kids…and see what the future holds. He loves me, I love him…so I said YES! Yes, lets take WHATEVER THIS IS…to the next level and see what else God has in store for us.

Old and New

January 2, 2023 ~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

2023 is here…January

New Years is always a time of reflection for me. A look back at the last year and a checklist of sorts…did I do a good job, am I moving forward, what positives do I want to take with me into the next year, what things do I want to change. Last year I felt like my checklist was a list of the Good, the Bad and the Ugly. 2020 was a very hard year and 2021 was a year of radical life changes, 2022 was a year of unexpected and good things…so what will 2023 hold for me, for my kids and for our future?

2022 was a year where I started to like myself again. I feel like I had gotten lost through the journey of having a very difficult marriage and kids of multiple ages and stages. I wanted to be so good and appreciated that I contorted and twisted myself into something that I am not so that I could potentially make people happy and like me. And it didn’t work…there was always something more I needed to do or be and I could never, ever meet the expectation of that person because I wasn’t being myself I was being a shadow or a cutout of the person I am and should be. I have discovered that when I let myself be who God intended me to be and I don’t try to fit the unrealistic molds of others I have Freedom. Freedom to be me, freedom to show love, freedom to be loud, freedom to share and nurture in the process to grow and change and mature. I still feel the weight of expectation and push myself to be the best but instead of feeling like I am drowning from the weight of it all I am using it as a buoy or motor to push myself ahead.

2022 was a year of doing things for ME…I’ve been a Mom for 22 years and in that time I have rarely made time for ME. I put my kids and their needs ahead of mine so often and I feel guilty when I do things that are good for me first. I’m learning that I can’t pour and fill up others if my cup is empty. So I am learning and doing things that are good for ME. Taking time off from Motherhood and just being me again. I traveled this year…left the country and recharged my batteries. I’ve hired friends to watch my kids so I can take weekends off and go places, and I am stepping up more and demanding that the person I co-parent with to step up and do more so that I can recharge and relax and not have to be “on” all the time. I’m tired of living a small life and I want to do things and go places and have more experiences. I want less stuff and want to be present and experience things and have fun.

2022 was a year of unexpected and yet amazing re-connection. God has brought someone back into my life. A person that I didn’t see coming…was not on my radar at all. But this re-connection has become one of the most important and favorite parts of my life. I think it’s funny that when you give up control of a situation and stop looking or thinking about something God has a way of saying…okay, now you are ready…I’m going to do something good for you…but it’s not going to be what you think it’s going to be, it’s going to come with a whole lot of issues and logistics but I got you child…I’m doing something for your Good…you just have to Trust me.

So 2023…here we are…with 365 days to fill and experience and use to help me grow, mature and change. I’m excited to see what God will do in my life and the life of my kids. The big kids have big things looming on the horizon and as a Mom I am both excited for them and a little bit scared. My younger boys are continuing to challenge me to be the best Mom I can be and I am trying to fill their lives with new and good things. There will be struggles…we have Autism and Diabetes and some hurdles that will need to be considered and jumped over. There may be big changes…I don’t know yet. But I am confident that God is in Control and if I am trusting and seeking His will for me that I will see what unfolds in the coming year. So here’s to a New Year…lets see what will happen.

Seasons

December 6, 2022 ~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a few months of healing, growing and changing.

Ecclesiates 3 keeps coming to my mind…the cycle of time. A time to be born, a time to die…a time to plant, a time to harvest…a time of joy, a time of sorrow. The song Turn, Turn Turn…is playing on my Echo in my kitchen and I’m pondering. I have the passage from Ecclesiastes on the wall in my kitchen and I read it frequently. There is a time for everything under Heaven…and God is in control of all things.

We are back in the Holiday season. It’s Christmas again and once again I am struggling to figure it all out. This time it’s not full of melancholy but of feeling like there may be new and different things on the Horizon…and it’s a little scary. At the same time there is a feeling of lack of purpose…my kids have gotten sick over the last two weeks and I have not been able to go in to work as I have been sick and or taking care of a sick child. I enjoy my job and find a lot of my purpose and fulfillment in doing a good job and so I am struggling with my feelings of being good enough or being valuable as I am basically forced to be at home doing less than I normally do. So I’m worrying about my status at work, whether I am being missed or not, and basically just wishing that the structure and routine of life would return. I have my patterns and I like them. Yes, they make me tired and frustrated but without them I feel like I am floundering. But I have to put my kids first and make sure that they are taken care of and so I will stay home with them and let them get well. I’m not a nurse or good with illness so I am definitely feeling like I am off my A game.

I took this picture this week…a rotting pumpkin sitting next to my Christmas tree…and it makes me think. I’m like this rotting pumpkin…if I’m not careful…watching and sitting and turning inward on myself…but what’s hidden inside that pumpkin is seeds…that when planted will grow into a vine and produce additional pumpkins. It does little good to be all wrapped up inside myself and hiding from the world. Do I need to stay home? Yes…my kiddos are sick. Did I plan this to make everyone’s life harder and more frustrating? Of course not…if anything I am the one who is the most frustrated by this situation. Am I learning and growing from this situation?…yes…with difficulty and a little bit of frustration but yes I am growing and learning. Do I need to wallow and whine? No, I need to find projects and opportunities to serve my family while I am not able to go to work…and let the other side take care of itself. I need to trust and not worry.

Seasons are important…I think that’s why God created them. He brings different things into our life at different times so that we can grow, learn, mature, and change. He uses the Seasons to bring periods of rest into our lives and allow us to recharge and adapt. He brings people in and out of lives in ways we don’t expect or see coming but in ways that allow us to learn, grow, support, encourage and thrive.

Healing

September 20, 2022 ~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been on a journey for just over 2 years now. It’s been the hardest, longest, exhausting and amazing thing I have ever done. Counseling is HARD…it’s hard to look at yourself and try and see yourself for who you really are. To unpack the pieces of a puzzle and try and get them to all fit together so you can finally see the big picture.

When I yelled during a fight that I wanted a divorce I was shocked, appalled and dismayed. I believe in Marriage. I believe that God created Marriage and that a loving marriage is honoring and pleasing to Him. I believe that 2 people should be partners and strive and work together to create something that is good, pleasing and pleasant. It’s God’s design for 2 people to work together, to build one another up and to make a life together. Will there be challenges and struggles, yes…will there be parts that you don’t like…of course but ultimately your marriage should be your safe space, a place where you feel accepted, loved and wanted. A place where you can be yourself and not feel like you have to be something you are not. A comfortable place that is HOME…and mine wasn’t. As hard as I tried, as hard as I worked and wanted it to be that way it wasn’t. I was never good enough, I never did enough, I never appreciated him or supported him the way he wanted. I could spend all day cleaning or working on a project and instead of a compliment I would get a BUT…something wasn’t good enough, or there was something more I could have done. My plans were never as important as his, my dreams were never a priority, my projects could wait…but I had to drop everything to make sure his stuff happened. And I did a lot, because if I didn’t I was criticized, belittled or made small…and who wants that. My needs and wants were met in part but never fully because I was being too extra, or it was too much money or it just isn’t necessary. Little by little I became less…until I was just a shell of the woman I wanted to be. I was nervous and worried anytime that anyone would question me or ask me to do something because I didn’t know if they would like what I would do. I’m normally a very confident person and I lost my confidence. I began to doubt my abilities and worth based on the opinion of someone.

I stood up for myself and demanded Change…and here we are. There have been some big changes. And they are good changes. I’ve unpacked so many layers that I have buried over time. I realize that I made mistakes…I’m far from perfect but this doesn’t mean I am bad or evil, or unworthy…it means I’m human. I’m allowed to make mistakes and not feel like I am dooming my family. I’m an amazing person who does things daily that are hard and frustrating and I work hard and I meet so many needs of others often without getting mine met and I’m capable and loved. People love me. My kids love me, my family loves me, the children in my classroom love me, my church loves me. And GOD LOVES ME.

GOD LOVES ME.

God is in control of all things…and sometimes I forget that. As I have gone through this healing journey God has shown me over and over again how much He Loves Me. When my former spouse decided that I would keep the house for the kids and started the process of filling out our paperwork I prayed and asked God that if it was a good thing for me to keep the house that I would need him to show me how I would be able to deal with issues we were having with the roof and other cosmetic things. Within 3 days of me praying that prayer there was a roofing company in the area who were looking at a neighbors roof who saw that I had a few missing shingles and thought that they might be able to help…and I got a new roof that summer. My children have never gone hungry, I have not been unable to pay my bills and my work has been very accommodating to my scheduling issues. God is Faithful to me and my family.

Healing hurts though…as you begin to heal you experience sadness and pain because you realize that the things you once tolerated and thought of as good were not as good as they should have been. You realize just how much you gave up to keep the peace and keep the facade in place. You realize that you should have received and been given so much more than you were not because you deserve them but because its basic human to human goodness. I unpacked a big item in my healing journey in the last 10 days and right now I’m working through the sadness of it all. So I’m sitting with my feelings, eating more ice cream and cheese than I probably should and letting the emotions be part of me. I suppressed emotions for a long time and I’m not doing that anymore. These feelings are valid and need to be processed but I’m using them like a stepping stone, not a stumbling block, they won’t keep me from my goals or moving forward.

Most of all I’m thankful. Thankful for the lessons, the pain, the trials, the awakening. I’m thankful for the people and impact that others have on me. I’m so thankful for my kids and the way that they love me. And I’m thankful that as I’m healing God is revealing more and more how much He loves me and the plans that He has in store for me. I’m not sure what my future holds but I know who holds my future. So I will continue to heal, continue to grow and continue to wait in expectation of what may happen next.

Forgiveness

September 11, 2022 ~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes things hit you right between the eyes.

For me this is typically a sermon and means God is trying to teach me something.

Today the sermon at church hit me right between the eyes and is still really resounding with me.

The main thrust of what our pastor preached on today that I walked away with was FORGIVENESS.

Colossians 3: 12-14 was today’s passage:

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grieviances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

So kindness is showing goodness to others, humility is having an honest view of ourselves, gentleness is defined by not showing harshness but having consideration not causing pain but enduring, and patience is having a calm response and not being quick to anger. We need to bear with each other and forgive because God forgave us…and finally the pieces of this garment we are to wear is LOVE…which holds it all together like a belt.

I feel like these are all qualities that I try and practice on a daily basis. I try to go into each day showing these character qualities and being a person who is growing and demonstrating her faith. To show Jesus in my daily life as I serve Him. But there is a person in my life who makes this so very hard.

I was married for 21 years. I will be upfront and say that I was by no means a perfect wife. I made plenty of mistakes. I did things that I am ashamed of and created problems in my marriage that we had to work through…but as I grew as a person and in my Faith I realized my mistakes and worked diligently to correct mistakes, do better and be a good wife. However, the person I was married to stopped growing or was incapable of growth. He would make mistakes and shift the blame onto me and the kids, he would not see the growth and change only focus on the areas that were still lacking. There was a real double standard in our marriage…I was responsible for all mistakes, issues and problems and he was allowed to point them out but if I did the same in response then I was in the wrong or the table would be flipped. If I wanted to go and do things that would strengthen our marriage I was met with resistance and told that I wouldn’t be able to handle these marriage seminars because I would realize how good I had it and be disappointed. Nothing I did would ever be good enough and there was no way that I would ever rectify all my mistakes or issues. Growth and change…nope…if you said it 20 years ago it must still be true. The immaturity of our early life was the basis for our whole life and the idea that thoughts and processes grow and mature as you gain wisdom was laughable. I was made to be so much less…my job was not as important as his because I didn’t make as much money, my needs were only worthwhile to be met if I was also meeting his, helping around the house was not necessary for him because he worked. There was a lot of neglect, indifference and pain.

When you are in pain or being neglected you don’t always respond in appropriate ways. I often lashed out or acted in a reactive manner because I wasn’t being treated the way I wanted or needed to be. Wounds grow deep and it’s hard to move past them. These patterns over time become so ingrained in your family dynamic that you don’t even see the damage and abuse. You simply try harder to fix the problem but you never get to the root of the issue and you don’t work past it. You work so hard until finally there is nothing left in your spirit and you break. Break into a million pieces like a shattered piece of pottery.

I chose me…and my kids. I spoke up and said that I couldn’t do it anymore. I was willing to try and fix it but I wanted and needed change. The negative patterns we were in had to stop and new healthier ones had to be created…and he didn’t agree…to the fixing side…but he did agree to divorce. So here I am…2 years past the hardest period of my life. Things are good…God is Faithful and there is so much growth and yet…I’m struggling.

My ex has decided to interject himself into areas of my life where he is not welcome. He makes statements and demonstrates attitudes to try and hook me back in and make me feel small. He wants to be seen as something that he is not and in the process is very good at making me feel bad and like I am the crazy and toxic one. He lifts himself up by making me less. It’s a recurring pattern and one that I now recognize but still struggle with getting past.

So the sermon today really hit me…I have to show forgiveness. I have to show kindness, gentleness, humility and patience. I have to demonstrate that I do things in LOVE..and I don’t want to…I want to lash out and cause him the same levels of pain and hurt that he continually heaps on me. I want him to suffer and be miserable. I want him to regret everything he ever did that caused me pain and made me suffer. I know he doesn’t think he was that bad, that he was part of the problem…in his mind he was a good husband and father…he still is a good father. When put on paper though…he’s not. If you look at it in black and white it’s obvious to anyone that his perception is off.

This quote hit really hard today…
“Forgiveness is giving up my Right to hurt you or get even with you for hurting me.”

I have to give up my thoughts and feelings of seeking revenge and forgive the mistakes of the past. To forgive the hurtful and mean things that are stated, the lack of acknowledging my boundaries, and my right to get even.

The following also really resonated with me:

“Forgiveness does NOT excuse their behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying you”-anonymous

“Forgiving someone who tramautized us is necessary for Growth, but does not mean we have to stay in the realtionship or dynamic.”

Co parenting with someone who has deeply hurt you makes for challenges. Trying to be loving and demonstrate that you are a follower of Christ is also hard. My wounds are raw, my scars are fresh and my triggers are easily triggered. But I will not let bitterness and negativity find its way back into my spirit. I will show Forgiveness and I will grow and change and see the good that God has for me.

My Hardest Days

June 18, 2022 ~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I’m feeling triggered and needing to be gentle on myself tonight. I’m dealing with a lot of big feelings and struggling emotions.

There are 2 holidays that hit me harder than any other holiday during the calendar year. Tomorrow is one of them. They are Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.

Mother’s Day is hard for me…I struggle a lot. My former spouse did not put a lot of value into Mother’s Day when we were married. Little to no effort was made to honor me as the Mother of his children. It was hit or miss yearly on whether I would be a priority for Mother’s Day or not. He has said to me “You’re not my mother, that’s for the kids to do” and then not taught them how to honor me as their Mom. I’m a good mom, I try my best daily and I love my kids more than anything but when you are not treated well on a day set aside for Mom’s it hurts…and it leaves a deep wound. This year I received no recognition by my children’s other parent that I am a Mom or do a good job with his kids…nothing…and it hurt.

On the flip side…Father’s Day is extremely difficult for me. As a person who enjoys words of affirmation and being praised I want to show the Father of my children that he is respected, loved and appreciated…but he is not a good parent. Fatherhood is a struggle for him…he is a good provider but little else…he is not a dad…he is a parent…but not a Dad. When you need to honor or praise someone who is not a good parent it’s hard. And I did affirm him…and try to get the kids to do things for him and try but he didn’t and doesn’t care about Father’s Day…or Mother’s Day or any holiday really.

It’s hard to co-parent with someone who views his children as an afterthought. When you are repeatedly told by the other parent that it’s too hard, too difficult or that they “work” so they can’t be available to help or do anything extra its hard. Our current parenting schedule gives me 6 hours a month without my children when they are in the care of their dad…together. He does pick up the youngest daily and watches him till I get home from work but that’s not “me” time…it’s me being at work and then commuting home. If I need additional time or stuff its a hassle to get him to watch them and if I’m even the slightest bit late its a phone call.

Expectations are so hard…and when expectations are not even remotely met you go numb. When you go numb you repress your feelings and emotions. Then when you wake up and start to heal…you relive the hurt, the pain, the feelings of never measuring up or being made small. When you want to make changes and stand up for what you deserve and what your kids deserve and you are repeatedly given excuses and blame shifting when you call the other person on their weaknesses and excuses. When you sit and cry because you felt guilty in the beginning because the blinders were only loosened and not off and so you made so many allowances that should not have been made and now you regret so many things. When you want to see the good and have them finally, finally step up to the plate and they are not capable and it hurts your heart for so many reasons.

Guilt and shame are terrible bedfellows.

Encouragement

June 16, 2022 ~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been in counseling for the past 2 years…and I’ve been on a healing journey.

I have come out of a 21 year relationship that I can see now for what it truly was…TOXIC. I am the survivor of a toxic relationship. I have taken off my blinders and see life so much more clearly. I’m also done hiding. I’m done hiding behind the facade that I felt I had to put on myself in order to be loved, appreciated and respected. I’m done with putting on this good Christian family skin…and then going home and having it not reflect what we present at church. I’m not just posting the good on social media…and I don’t care who sees the broken and wounded parts of my life…this is part of me. This is part of our family dynamic and we are using these parts and pieces to create something beautiful and unique.

I grew up a Pastor’s kid. Pastor’s kids are known for 2 things…either being a goodie goodie or a rotten apple. I was not going to be the rotten apple. I am one who strives for the perception of perfect…in my mind if something is perfect then it is easy. So being a good kid or a good child is easy for me and I want to be that…but I live in a fallen world and I am a sinner so I am far from perfect. But I’m good at hiding the imperfections and only highlighting the good things…so sweep the clutter and mess out of the way for the picture but then you miss the parts that are real. You only let people see the good parts, you are thankful for so many things and you only speak about the hard or tragic parts with a spirit of thankfulness…so it doesn’t look like its truly overwhelming or too much. You let glimpses of your pain be seen but you hide the depths that you feel…so that people don’t treat you badly or differently.

I’m stopping the smokescreen. If I post something it’s going to be my life…the good the bad and the ugly. I’m done trying to only show the parts that don’t hurt, the things that make me seem like superwoman, the issues that don’t make me seem less than I truly am. I’m done putting on the mask of good Christiandom for the sake of making others comfortable. Parts of my life make me very uncomfortable. These are the sticky and tricky areas that help shape and mold you as you learn to be vulnerable, where you have to learn to trust and obey, the parts that make you feel like you are less or unworthy because they are not always the pretty side to life.

What I am finding as I tear off my self imposed mask and this idea of perfection is that people genuinely like me for who I am and not just what they think I am…I am seen for being Me…and people love me. I don’t have to hide behind this idea that I have to be perfect. I can be loud, crazy, messy and eccentric and people enjoy me. They see my value and worth and don’t make me feel less. Am I too much for some people and have to be reminded to tone things down…yes..but it’s not done in a disparaging way but as a reminder that not everyone is wired the same way.

The last two days I have been reminded that I am special, unique and that they are seeing a genuine JOY in my life. For many years I lived with this unrelenting weight of expectations and requirements that didn’t allow me to truly be available in the moments. I had to hide parts of myself or hold things back in order for the other person’s comfort and in the process I squashed myself into a box that made me feel so small and caused me to be so stressed that I literally ticked! I was wound up so tightly that I could barely feel anything but pain and sadness…I would try to relax and just be and it was so impossible and I would just try harder and start a viscous cycle or hamster wheel which I could never feel like I could get off.

I’m happy…there is a lightness of spirit…a feeling that I can handle the crazy that comes into my life and not everything is the end of the world. Are there moments when I wish I could run away and hide and just take a break? Yes, but there is a peace with knowing that I am doing a good job…that others see the changes and improvements in my life and I am not failing.

Encouragement comes in so many different ways. I’m grateful for all the people who come and tell me that they see just how far I have come and that I am doing a good job. I don’t always feel like I am making a difference but I know that people appreciate me and see me as a valuable member of society.

Why Do I Doubt

June 1, 2022 ~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Today I am struggling and overwhelmed by areas of my life.

My son’s car won’t start…probably a dead battery…I’m not sure how to go about fixing it. My son took my car to work and it won’t be a problem to share for a couple days but it’s still an added stress.

I hired an extermination company to take care of some issues I am having around my house…and I forgot to tell my son about it and so he was surprised by the situation.

I’m feeling embarassed because I let things slide during the school year and as much as I would love to be on top of everything all the time I am not capable as a single woman, a busy mom and a full time worker to accomplish everything.

I have room prep at my job today to get ready for the summer session and I have to rearrange, reorganize and get a brand new space ready and I am not content to do the bare minimum so I go in full gusto. May have bitten off more than I can easily chew but I will get it done…I always do.

As my son was leaving tonight he was visibly frustrated…so I followed him and tried to figure out what was going on and how I could repair what feels like a big rift in our relationship…learning a new dynamic with an adult child is harder than I expected. During our few minute conversation he looks at me with tears in his eyes and says…”MOM…why do you doubt? Why do you think you are not doing enough, or that I don’t recognize what is happening and know that you are doing your best?”

Wow…David and Goliath type moment right there…hits hard right between the eyes…
“WHY DO I DOUBT”

…that I am good enough

…that I am Worthy of love

…that I am making a difference

…that I have Value…without doing something

…that my ideas are good and helpful

…that I am creative and capable

…that I am an amazing person to love and know.

One thing you don’t realize as you come out of a TOXIC relationship…is that your inner voice has been rewritten for a long time…when the person who is supposed to love you the most is also your biggest critic and makes you feel small you start to believe it. You hear what they have to say over what you know to be the TRUTH…when they paint a picture that is counter to the reality of the situation you have to swim so hard to break free of the emotional riptide that catches you. You over compensate in hopes that you can somehow rectify the situation and that it will be okay…you find yourself looking to fill all the conditions so that hopefully you will be fully loved.

Music has found its way back into my life…I stopped listening to music for years because my former spouse and I didn’t agree on types of music to listen to and he didn’t and doesn’t like what I like and its just easier to not listen then to argue. I’m listening to music…all types. I listen to secular, Christian, gospel, country…if I find a song I like I’m listening to it…and it’s a balm to my soul. Music has a way of bringing feelings and emotions out in a way that few things do and I’m enjoying the healing that can be found in music.

Right now a song by Casting Crowns has really hit hard…and I’ve listened to it on repeat most of the day…I think God knew I needed this song today. It’s Called Just Be Held

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go

I’m giving my doubt to God…I’m looking for His presence in this storm…I’m remembering I’m so much bigger than situations and my kids…my kids know that I love them and that I will do whatever I can to help them learn and grow. I’m not defined by my mistakes and I can conquer and grow and not be made smaller than I truly am. I’m grateful for that statement tonight…”WHY DO YOU DOUBT?” because it makes me think and trust.

Dear ME

May 17, 2022 ~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

A letter to my younger self from a wiser version of me.

Dear Erin,

Hey there young lady…it’s me…you…a whole lot wiser and a whole lot older. I’m looking at your young self with a bit of jealousy as you don’t know what the future holds or what is going to happen. I’m from 23 years ahead…and I know how excited you currently are…getting ready to get married and gearing up for a new semester at a new school.

You are excited because you feel like you have met the love of your life and he has swept you off your feet and he dotes on you and makes you feel special…and you are special…more special than he realizes. But you missed some warning signs…and some red flags…and you are going way too fast…remember this speed and know that maybe it wasn’t as romantic and wonderful as you are thinking.

You are excited to finally find a school that will take all of your credits…I wish I could go back in time and tell you to slow down…because school is important and the things that will be happening to you soon will cause school and life to collide and it’s going to be very hard to figure things out.

I know you don’t want to be a mom for at least 5 years but sorry honey…an afternoon quickie before work with minimal protection will change your life…and before your 1 year anniversary you will have a baby. Don’t worry…it’s not the worst thing…your firstborn child, a girl will bring you so much joy and heartache that you won’t necessarily be able to handle it all…and just when you think you have things figured out you will decide to have another kid and do it all again. You are a fertile myrtle honey so its easy to get pregnant. I’d like to tell you that your spouse that amazing man you are marrying will be the best dad…he’s not…he has his good moments…but by the time I send this he is a changed person and your kids are no longer his top priority…and you will have 4 in total…3 of the 4 unplanned. He will work hard and make money but that will be it…he’s not a hands on dad and you will be stressed and overwhelmed a lot.

Oh and watch what you say to him…he takes things extremely literally and you will walk on eggshells around him as you will never make him truly happy. He’s selfish, he’s egotistical…you are starting to see small glimpses of that I bet, but the kind gentle man you think you are marrying is not always that way…he can be angry and rough and go to extremes. He will always put the needs of strangers and go out of his way for people he doesn’t know but you will feel pushed to the side and unimportant. He’s going to try and put you into a box…and you will let him…please don’t let him…you are so much bigger and brighter than his small box and if you learn this easily…you will be happier. But you don’t know any better. I with I could take off your blinders…but you are in love and it’s hard to see things when you are young and naive.

I want to tell you that your faith is going to change…the values and standards that life has told you need to be followed are not all in the Bible…most are the constructs of man and much like the Pharisees of the New Testament we start to value our standards and rules more than loving and accepting people. Your family dynamic is going to shift and some people will do things you don’t agree with and it’s going to be hard…so hard…and yet there is growth from all the pruning…listen to GOD…find HIS voice in the quiet moments and listen to what he has to say…Love God, Preach the Truth and Love all people…and find ways to show your faith…live what you believe and people will respect you.

Oh and stay tuned…there may be exciting things around the terrible corner you will pass after you have been married for 20 years…you will say things you never expected, discover truths that are going to hurt and defeat you but you are STRONG…you are WISE…you are EXCEPTIONAL…and don’t let yourself forget this…

You will learn that God has brought and is bringing experiences into your life that you will need way down the road…learn these things, add all the tools you can to your tool box and see what amazing things you can do because God knows all things and he will walk beside you.

Don’t fret…these struggles you are going through are going to bring changes that will be a long term benefit…you just need to trust the process. I would love to tell you that there won’t be hurts and challenges along the way, that the lessons you learn are easy and the struggles are few…you are heading into a long term struggle…and it will take you 21 years to finally see everything and make changes but you will get there. Trust God, Trust God, Trust God…and He will see you through.

Hang in there…it will be okay…and I will meet you on the other side…

Love,

Your older self.