I’m sitting in the indoor playground at Dollywood today.  I’m here with my husband and my 2 youngest children.  It’s a hot day but we are having a good day.    We are riding rides, enjoying the atmosphere at the park and it’s not the first time we have come in the year and a quarter that we have been married.  This is the third child’s 3rd visit and the youngest one has been here 4 times.  We have season passes for me and their stepdad so we are able to use our guest passes for them. 

It’s amazing how people’s viewpoints make experiences either easier or harder.  My kids Dad has the perspective that anything you do with kids is super challenging and it’s just easier to avoid situations than to try different activities. My husband has a different point of view that children need the opportunity to do things and if you end up with a challenging day then you figure it out and deal.  My kids have challenges…the 13 year old has  Type 1 diabetes and the youngest has Autism but it doesn’t slow us down or that we exclude doing things…we just deal. 

So it can mean divide and conquer, it may mean finding chill zones to sit and relax.  It may mean taking turns riding preferred rides.  But it doesn’t mean not going, not attempting and not being active members of life.  I’m really grateful for our new life and the enjoyable family experiences we get to do together. 

People who play the victim always make me crazy.

People who shift blame and try to make you the problem

Taylor Swift gets it…she wrote Anti Hero and the line that resonates so well goes like this…

It’s Me, Hi…I’m the problem, It’s me…

There is one person in my life who makes me feel like the line above…the problem. Well, if I am the problem then HI….I’m the problem...get over it, move past it and put the past behind you. Stop trying to rope me in and feel sorry for you. I’m sorry that I have not done things your way or in a way that benefits you. I’m sorry that I have moved on, progressed in my life and found a much happier place to live. Grow up, you are not the victim…you made your choices and now you have to live with the consequences of your actions. The script could have been written differently but no….you made choices that impacted things and here we are…get over it and stop blaming me for everything.

Trauma bonding is real and so challenging to get past but here we are…I’m claiming my happiness and leaving you behind. I’m sorry that things are this way but I’m tired of living with your shame, pain and unhappiness. I have challenges and struggles, that is a part of life but I’m choosing to move forward not constantly trying to pull you back into the past or rehash how I have wronged you. I’m making choices that you may not like…but oh well…here we are….and get over yourself. You are not the victim…there is no victim…we were toxic, there was pain, there was anger and you didn’t want to fix the problems…you wanted me to fix myself and make your life easier…well sorry…that didn’t work for 21 years and it isn’t working now….we are done, we are over and you need to leave me ALONE! You decided I wasn’t worth it…and you know what you have learned I was worth it…so the jokes on you…

Stop with the victim mentality….you made your choices, I’ve made mine and I have moved on…do the same…it may help you…but get some professional help before you do….she deserves a better version of you than I got. 

I’m feeling triggered and needing to be gentle on myself tonight. I’m dealing with a lot of big feelings and struggling emotions.

There are 2 holidays that hit me harder than any other holiday during the calendar year. Tomorrow is one of them. They are Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.

Mother’s Day is hard for me…I struggle a lot. My former spouse did not put a lot of value into Mother’s Day when we were married. Little to no effort was made to honor me as the Mother of his children. It was hit or miss yearly on whether I would be a priority for Mother’s Day or not. He has said to me “You’re not my mother, that’s for the kids to do” and then not taught them how to honor me as their Mom. I’m a good mom, I try my best daily and I love my kids more than anything but when you are not treated well on a day set aside for Mom’s it hurts…and it leaves a deep wound. This year I received no recognition by my children’s other parent that I am a Mom or do a good job with his kids…nothing…and it hurt.

On the flip side…Father’s Day is extremely difficult for me. As a person who enjoys words of affirmation and being praised I want to show the Father of my children that he is respected, loved and appreciated…but he is not a good parent. Fatherhood is a struggle for him…he is a good provider but little else…he is not a dad…he is a parent…but not a Dad. When you need to honor or praise someone who is not a good parent it’s hard. And I did affirm him…and try to get the kids to do things for him and try but he didn’t and doesn’t care about Father’s Day…or Mother’s Day or any holiday really.

It’s hard to co-parent with someone who views his children as an afterthought. When you are repeatedly told by the other parent that it’s too hard, too difficult or that they “work” so they can’t be available to help or do anything extra its hard. Our current parenting schedule gives me 6 hours a month without my children when they are in the care of their dad…together. He does pick up the youngest daily and watches him till I get home from work but that’s not “me” time…it’s me being at work and then commuting home. If I need additional time or stuff its a hassle to get him to watch them and if I’m even the slightest bit late its a phone call.

Expectations are so hard…and when expectations are not even remotely met you go numb. When you go numb you repress your feelings and emotions. Then when you wake up and start to heal…you relive the hurt, the pain, the feelings of never measuring up or being made small. When you want to make changes and stand up for what you deserve and what your kids deserve and you are repeatedly given excuses and blame shifting when you call the other person on their weaknesses and excuses. When you sit and cry because you felt guilty in the beginning because the blinders were only loosened and not off and so you made so many allowances that should not have been made and now you regret so many things. When you want to see the good and have them finally, finally step up to the plate and they are not capable and it hurts your heart for so many reasons.

Guilt and shame are terrible bedfellows.

I’ve been in counseling for the past 2 years…and I’ve been on a healing journey.

I have come out of a 21 year relationship that I can see now for what it truly was…TOXIC. I am the survivor of a toxic relationship. I have taken off my blinders and see life so much more clearly. I’m also done hiding. I’m done hiding behind the facade that I felt I had to put on myself in order to be loved, appreciated and respected. I’m done with putting on this good Christian family skin…and then going home and having it not reflect what we present at church. I’m not just posting the good on social media…and I don’t care who sees the broken and wounded parts of my life…this is part of me. This is part of our family dynamic and we are using these parts and pieces to create something beautiful and unique.

I grew up a Pastor’s kid. Pastor’s kids are known for 2 things…either being a goodie goodie or a rotten apple. I was not going to be the rotten apple. I am one who strives for the perception of perfect…in my mind if something is perfect then it is easy. So being a good kid or a good child is easy for me and I want to be that…but I live in a fallen world and I am a sinner so I am far from perfect. But I’m good at hiding the imperfections and only highlighting the good things…so sweep the clutter and mess out of the way for the picture but then you miss the parts that are real. You only let people see the good parts, you are thankful for so many things and you only speak about the hard or tragic parts with a spirit of thankfulness…so it doesn’t look like its truly overwhelming or too much. You let glimpses of your pain be seen but you hide the depths that you feel…so that people don’t treat you badly or differently.

I’m stopping the smokescreen. If I post something it’s going to be my life…the good the bad and the ugly. I’m done trying to only show the parts that don’t hurt, the things that make me seem like superwoman, the issues that don’t make me seem less than I truly am. I’m done putting on the mask of good Christiandom for the sake of making others comfortable. Parts of my life make me very uncomfortable. These are the sticky and tricky areas that help shape and mold you as you learn to be vulnerable, where you have to learn to trust and obey, the parts that make you feel like you are less or unworthy because they are not always the pretty side to life.

What I am finding as I tear off my self imposed mask and this idea of perfection is that people genuinely like me for who I am and not just what they think I am…I am seen for being Me…and people love me. I don’t have to hide behind this idea that I have to be perfect. I can be loud, crazy, messy and eccentric and people enjoy me. They see my value and worth and don’t make me feel less. Am I too much for some people and have to be reminded to tone things down…yes..but it’s not done in a disparaging way but as a reminder that not everyone is wired the same way.

The last two days I have been reminded that I am special, unique and that they are seeing a genuine JOY in my life. For many years I lived with this unrelenting weight of expectations and requirements that didn’t allow me to truly be available in the moments. I had to hide parts of myself or hold things back in order for the other person’s comfort and in the process I squashed myself into a box that made me feel so small and caused me to be so stressed that I literally ticked! I was wound up so tightly that I could barely feel anything but pain and sadness…I would try to relax and just be and it was so impossible and I would just try harder and start a viscous cycle or hamster wheel which I could never feel like I could get off.

I’m happy…there is a lightness of spirit…a feeling that I can handle the crazy that comes into my life and not everything is the end of the world. Are there moments when I wish I could run away and hide and just take a break? Yes, but there is a peace with knowing that I am doing a good job…that others see the changes and improvements in my life and I am not failing.

Encouragement comes in so many different ways. I’m grateful for all the people who come and tell me that they see just how far I have come and that I am doing a good job. I don’t always feel like I am making a difference but I know that people appreciate me and see me as a valuable member of society.

A letter to my younger self from a wiser version of me.

Dear Erin,

Hey there young lady…it’s me…you…a whole lot wiser and a whole lot older. I’m looking at your young self with a bit of jealousy as you don’t know what the future holds or what is going to happen. I’m from 23 years ahead…and I know how excited you currently are…getting ready to get married and gearing up for a new semester at a new school.

You are excited because you feel like you have met the love of your life and he has swept you off your feet and he dotes on you and makes you feel special…and you are special…more special than he realizes. But you missed some warning signs…and some red flags…and you are going way too fast…remember this speed and know that maybe it wasn’t as romantic and wonderful as you are thinking.

You are excited to finally find a school that will take all of your credits…I wish I could go back in time and tell you to slow down…because school is important and the things that will be happening to you soon will cause school and life to collide and it’s going to be very hard to figure things out.

I know you don’t want to be a mom for at least 5 years but sorry honey…an afternoon quickie before work with minimal protection will change your life…and before your 1 year anniversary you will have a baby. Don’t worry…it’s not the worst thing…your firstborn child, a girl will bring you so much joy and heartache that you won’t necessarily be able to handle it all…and just when you think you have things figured out you will decide to have another kid and do it all again. You are a fertile myrtle honey so its easy to get pregnant. I’d like to tell you that your spouse that amazing man you are marrying will be the best dad…he’s not…he has his good moments…but by the time I send this he is a changed person and your kids are no longer his top priority…and you will have 4 in total…3 of the 4 unplanned. He will work hard and make money but that will be it…he’s not a hands on dad and you will be stressed and overwhelmed a lot.

Oh and watch what you say to him…he takes things extremely literally and you will walk on eggshells around him as you will never make him truly happy. He’s selfish, he’s egotistical…you are starting to see small glimpses of that I bet, but the kind gentle man you think you are marrying is not always that way…he can be angry and rough and go to extremes. He will always put the needs of strangers and go out of his way for people he doesn’t know but you will feel pushed to the side and unimportant. He’s going to try and put you into a box…and you will let him…please don’t let him…you are so much bigger and brighter than his small box and if you learn this easily…you will be happier. But you don’t know any better. I with I could take off your blinders…but you are in love and it’s hard to see things when you are young and naive.

I want to tell you that your faith is going to change…the values and standards that life has told you need to be followed are not all in the Bible…most are the constructs of man and much like the Pharisees of the New Testament we start to value our standards and rules more than loving and accepting people. Your family dynamic is going to shift and some people will do things you don’t agree with and it’s going to be hard…so hard…and yet there is growth from all the pruning…listen to GOD…find HIS voice in the quiet moments and listen to what he has to say…Love God, Preach the Truth and Love all people…and find ways to show your faith…live what you believe and people will respect you.

Oh and stay tuned…there may be exciting things around the terrible corner you will pass after you have been married for 20 years…you will say things you never expected, discover truths that are going to hurt and defeat you but you are STRONG…you are WISE…you are EXCEPTIONAL…and don’t let yourself forget this…

You will learn that God has brought and is bringing experiences into your life that you will need way down the road…learn these things, add all the tools you can to your tool box and see what amazing things you can do because God knows all things and he will walk beside you.

Don’t fret…these struggles you are going through are going to bring changes that will be a long term benefit…you just need to trust the process. I would love to tell you that there won’t be hurts and challenges along the way, that the lessons you learn are easy and the struggles are few…you are heading into a long term struggle…and it will take you 21 years to finally see everything and make changes but you will get there. Trust God, Trust God, Trust God…and He will see you through.

Hang in there…it will be okay…and I will meet you on the other side…

Love,

Your older self.

I’m spiraling…one minute I’m happy and at peace the next I’m a big bottle of emotions trapped under so much pressure that I think I’m going to pop.

I’m spiraling…one moment I think things are going to be easier and then I turn around and everything is hard again.

I’m spiraling…I have to do lists as long as my arms and I want to accomplish things but I am also tired and not sure where to start.

I’m spiraling…I’m overthinking, trying and wishing, laughing and crying, feeling like a crazy person, watching my hair turn gray…I’m spiraling.

I just want it to stop…I don’t know what to do…I hate having to do so much alone and be so much to so many people. I just want some HELP…I’m trapped in a whirlpool with my head above the water but I feel like I’m going to be sucked down and I don’t know what to do…I DON”T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

I’m tired…I’m TIRED…I’m wound up so tightly and I feel things so deeply and I just want a hug and someone to help it be okay…

My life is messy…with lots of things that make me wish I could run away…but there’s no one but me when it comes to my kids…they need me.

My life is challenging…with tantrums and fits and trying to meet people where they are and uplift and not bring down but also to guide and feel…and it’s exhausting.

My life feels like a race and the finish line is so far away…there is just mile after mile and I know one day it will all be worth it and I will look back and be amazed at all the ways and things that I accomplished…but today the mountain seems unsurmountable, the challenges are too hard and I’m spiraling.

Autism is Hard

Type 1 Diabetes is Hard

Divorce is Hard

Parenting young adults is Hard

Teaching Preschool is Hard

This is my life…it’s Hard.

I’m struggling right now with finding good in the Hard.

I was married for 21 years…and now I’m not married anymore.

I’m not married anymore…that’s a hard statement.

I’ve been defined for 21 in a certain role…wife…I’m not a wife anymore. I’m a once married person, I’m single, I’m divorced.

Divorced…that’s a word I never thought I would be.

Divorced is a dirty word in my culture…good Christian’s don’t get divorced. We say till death do us part so if the other person is not dead then we are a failure or a sinner of high order.

I’m Divorced.

Divorce was not on my radar until it was the only thing on my radar. I didn’t wake up one morning and want to end my marriage. Instead I was going along like I always did until something snapped and in the middle of a fight I said I can’t do this anymore I want a Divorce.

And he said OK

He printed the paperwork, decided what needed to be done and things were put in motion in a short time period before I could even wrap my mind around what I had said.

There was fear and there still is fear.

There was anger and there still is anger.

There is disbelief and shock…and those feelings still remain.

The process is done…it has been done since the end of March.

Change is happening…the house is now just mine…the kids are with me the most…I sleep alone.

I’m more at peace, I’m learning who I am and I’m not feeling as negative as I once did.

I’m finding my Happy…I’m learning what I need…I’m finding out who I am as just me.

Who am I? I’m a Mom…I’m a friend…I’m a teacher…I’m a dreamer…I’m a helper…I’m a daughter…I’m a child…I’m a learner…I’m a much loved Child of God.

I can be strong alone.

I can be vulnerable.

I can make things work

I can figure things out

I am who I am and God love me for who I am and I will be okay…

But I am not who I was 21 years ago…I’m different.