Thoughts

What Now?

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

It’s been one of those days…not bad but not good, not short but not long, frustrating yet satisfying its just not making a whole lot of sense.

My oldest called tonight because they needed to talk to someone and have human interaction. While we are on the phone the 10 year old has a full on angst attack over a reading log…and how he doesn’t want to read at home…this is stupid, I hate this…and on and on and on…until I’m just like…turn on the subtitles…that’s reading!

My youngest is struggling with getting back into the groove at school…I’ve not really been on top of stuff this week so that could be partly my fault but hopefully this weekend things will get more back to normal.

Its cold…bitterly cold and I’m not feeling life right now…I want to put on cozy socks, find a blanket and either read or watch TV until I don’t want to…but I can’t…and that’s not my favorite.

It’s a new year, a new week, some new things at work but really I’m just feeling like…What Now?

I’m trying to shift my perspective and focus but tonight…tonight I’m just like forget it…not worth it…not happening…so What Now?

A Shift

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

It’s the first day of a New Year…January 1.

The world has been in a pandemic for almost 2 years…COVID-19…there have been lockdowns, there have been essential workers, there was no school for too long, there is nothing that feels “normal” and we wear a mask more places than I like and there is a lot of division about so many things.

The world feels like a tinderbox…like we are pouring gasoline on dry material and at any moment the match will be struck…I’ve lived this for a lot of my adult life…when my marriage was good it was good…but when we were struggling(which happened a lot)it felt like the tinderbox…I struck the match in 2020 and my whole world seemed to burn down…

There is a shift though…a change as it were…I’m not in the same place I once was…there’s been a shift…

A shift in my perspective…I’ve been a single mom for most of the years of my mothering…my former spouse is a dad when he wants to be or it suits him…he’s not particularly hands on and finds the extra stuff with kids to not be his favorite…so I’ve done the majority of the parenting for my kids life…so nothing has really changed when it comes to my mothering…but I’m learning to be more at peace with the choices and experiences that the kids and I have together.

A shift in my priorities…I’m learning to not always put myself last…sometimes I have to be first…selfish huh…but when I constantly put myself last I find myself empty and spent…so I’m learning to take care of my needs before my kids sometimes when it’s needed. On an airplane they say to put on your oxygen mask first and then the kids…I have to do that with more areas of my life.

A shift in my thinking…I’ve been blaming myself for all the problems and challenges of my past relationship. However I forgot that I was one half of the marriage…I can work on me as much as I am able and try and change and be more but when your partner doesn’t think they need to change or adapt or that they could be part of the problem…you end up with a whole lot of hurt, mountains of resentment and a stressed out individual. I’m learning to be done with shouldering the blame for what is happening in my family…especially if I’m not the issue or problem.

A shift in my mothering…I’m learning that sometimes I have to do what is best for my kids and me because I’m the one who is living my life…not my parents, not my former spouse, not my friends…Me…so if I do things that work for us and it doesn’t make a lot of sense to others than that’s okay…I’m not living the life of others and they are not living my life…I’m sorry if you think it not’s right…you don’t live here…and if you want to come and try and “fix” my life then you are welcome to try but I know myself and my kids best so it may be best just to do it our way!

A shift in my attitudes about myself…I’m done being treated as someone who is less than I am…for too long I listened to someone who forgot about the amazing things I do and the amazing person I am and saw only the things that made me less…instead I need to see myself how God sees me…as someone to be cherished, who is special, unique, and talented in ways that make me who I am. I’m learning that I am a pretty great person and I don’t have to prove my worth to anyone else but see myself how God sees me…a creation of His who is worthy love and good things.

Farewell to 2021

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It’s the end of the year we have 2 days to go.

Looking back on the year 2021.

The Good:

I got 2 raises at work this year. Increased my net pay being brought home by me monthly so my budget is easier.

I took the boys on a family vacation to South Dakota. We had a good time camping with my folks and saw Mount Rushmore, Jewel Cave and other fun things.

Financial things that I worried about were not as big as I thought they were going to be and I am doing fine…more coming in than going out.

My kids are doing well in school, learning new things. The firstborn is closer to finishing college and the 19 year old is doing well at his job.

I celebrated my 10 year anniversary at work and I feel like I’m having a pretty good year as a teacher.

I have good friends who have come beside me and been a huge encouragement so I am thankful for the positive people in my life.

The Bad:

The firstborn and I don’t always see eye to eye on things and they have taken measures that ensure what they want regardless of what I approve of so that is challenging

Autism is sometimes kicking my butt…the youngest struggles with things and when he struggles, I struggle

Diabetes is a never ending roller coaster of Highs and Lows and so much thinking…it’s challenging

The Ugly:

The divorce is final and I am now an exwife…still coming to grips on this one and since I have to see the ex frequently due to us having kids together its extra hard sometimes.

All in all I’m not sad to see this year go…not sure what 2022 will bring but I am hopeful that there will be positive changes.

Empathy and Effort

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I’m a very empathetic person.

I feel things deeply

I feel for others deeply

I cry over book characters, movie characters and hard situations.

My heart swells when something good happens for someone else

I feel their grief and sorrow when they are sad.

I Love Big…I have a big personality and I feel things Big, I’m loud, I’m exuberant I’m Big.

I’m a Big personality dealing with a BIG Holiday!!!

CHRISTMAS…CHRISTMAS….CHRISTMAS…CHRISTMAS

The effort for Christmas this year is extra hard due to my empathy.

The lack of effort by others, the lack of effort put into simple things and the amount of excuses as to why that effort is missing is making my empathy trigger.

I feel sorry for them…I shouldn’t but I do.

I feel if I had not spoken up for myself when I did that it wouldn’t be an issue and all would be well this Christmas and things would be as they SHOULD be….

But the Should be is a smokescreen.

My empathy and soul was being crushed in the relationship and I was getting lost.

I spent so much time trying to be better and never measuring up enough that I fell into a pit of despair.

I was broken in my soul, beaten up in my emotions and feeling like I was rotting from the inside out.

I could only see the negative…I don’t like the negative…I like to be positive.

I was pushing the snowball to the top of the mountain and the path only was getting longer, the ball was getting heavier and the mountain was getting steeper.

I let go…and here we are…

The effort is different, the effort for me outside of one relationship is easier…the guilt and pain are becoming less…

I’m seeing the good again

I’m feeling things I should feel again

There is a brighter side to things and things are being accomplished.

Its Hard…so Hard sometimes…but its the good kind of hard…not the despair kind. There is a positive side to the hard.

But CHRISTMAS….CHRISTMAS…CHRISTMAS!!!!

The empathy and effort of Christmas is challenging…worthwhile but challenging.

The Melancholy of Christmas

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“Christmastime is Here…time for joy and cheer…” Remember the Peanuts Christmas special…this is the theme song but it’s not full of joy and praise…its in a minor key and sounds sad.

I’m feeling a little bit like this song today…full of melancholy.

I want to be joyful this Christmas…I do.

I’ve gotten all but 3 things bought…they are planned just not purchased.

I’m wearing Christmas clothes and my holiday fun stuff.

My house is decorated and pretty and I’m enjoying the decorations.

I have plans to bake and make all the things that I remember from Christmas growing up and trying to build special memories with my kids.

But I’m also feeling sad.

I’m sad that the things WE used to do all together are now divided between him and me.

I’m sad that I don’t have a husband to shop for and try to come up with something that he would like or appreciate…he was really hard to shop for…

I’m not sure what I even want to be gifted and there isn’t the anticipation of him remembering something I may have mentioned and surprising me or the gift of someone knowing you well and finding the perfect thing.

So I’m looking for the JOY…embracing the sad…and sitting with the Melancholy of it all…and I may watch a Peanuts Christmas and commiserate with Charlie Brown.

Avoiding Yet Conquering

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I got frustrated today.

I was asked to do something that will be a benefit to me but I don’t want to do it.

I’m tired of being the go to person for so many things.

It’s like the passing of the buck…sorry I’m not Harry Truman and I don’t think that the Buck stops Here.

So I took that ball of frustration, that piece of sourness that spoils the milk, the pit in your stomach that makes you want to cry and I challenged myself to do something productive but not the thing that I was asked to do.

I cleaned part of the basement, I organized a few things, got rid of several bags of trash and walked away feeling a sense of accomplishment.

So I’m avoiding the thing I don’t want to do by conquering something I’ve been putting off..

I think it’s a win right??

Hard

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I’m currently sitting on my couch in my living room contemplating life.

I brought up the boxes of Christmas decorations this morning…they are still sitting by the front door.

I brought up the Christmas tree too…it’s still in its bag sitting by the stairs.

The 5 year old is eyeing my vacuum cleaner and freaking out because he doesn’t like it.

The 19 year old has left for an extra shift of mandatory overtime and he’s angry that he has to go tonight.

The 10 year old is hanging out in his room and has had blood sugars all over the place today.

The college kid went back to college this morning and has so much on their plate even I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all.

Life is Hard…Single Parenting this brood is Hard.

Autism, diabetes, young adult guiding all take a lot out of a person on a one on one basis and I’m dealing with it all.

I want to decorate and get ready for Christmas…I want to find Joy and Hope and Peace and see the Christ child for who He is and be grateful for the gift of Jesus…but tonight…tonight it’s hard…hard to get off the couch.

It’s hard to see past the little for the bigger picture…it’s hard to know how to guide my young adults to be the people they need to be. It’s hard to deal with the craziness that is autism and the hundreds of little decisions that have to be made daily to deal with diabetes.

It’s hard knowing that I go back to work tomorrow and I will need to pour into the 8 little people in my class love and kindness and fun…it’s time well spent but it’s Hard.

However I’m thankful for the Hard.

I’m thankful that I have been gifted these 4 people to guide and love and help to grow…they all deal with their individual stuff and I am part of it…I’m a sounding board for my oldest, I’m a hug and a meal for the 19 year old, I help keep the 10 year old alive and I get the best hugs from the 5 year old.

I’m blessed to have worked at a school for 10 years where I am seen as someone who has good ideas who treats children well and is equipped to lead a classroom through the challenges of the toddler years.

I have more than I need and I am grateful for a roof over my head, a good job and resources to get my boys the therapies and tools to make their lives better and richer.

In so many ways I’m a blessed lady…so I am thankful for the Hard. I’m thankful for the strength and forgiveness of Christ and I’m being made perfect as I give my children back to Him and trust that He will guide and help them.

You Blink

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Parenting is the hardest job in the entire world.

It’s exhausting, it’s challenging, its non stop.

There are not many breaks, there are moments where you aren’t focused 100% but always in the back of your mind there are your kids.

You are 100% in the trenches, in the midst of it and then one day you look up and realize.

They are 5 years old this week.

You blinked and they are turning 5.

They are in 5th grade this week…didn’t they just start kindergarten?

You blinked and they are in 5th grade.

They are getting ready to start a career job…

You blinked and they are 18 and starting in the workforce.

They started their 4th year of college.

You blinked and they are 21 and living independently half a state away.

I’m feeling overwhelmed by the ages and stages, the balance of figuring out the ins and outs but I know I will blink and it will have changed again.

Being Sad

~ elj377 ~ 4 Comments

Tonight I’m sad.

I’m sad because I don’t have everything together and I forget things.  I remembered tonight that there is a slideshow for graduation.  I hadn’t looked at the Senior packet since March and opened it tonight and realized that I had missed the deadline.  Big ol heaping pile of Mom guilt…I failed and forgot and missed something big.  It’s a little thing but it’s important.  In a panic I quickly emailed the person in charge of the slideshow and asked if there is anyway that I could still get my kid in the slideshow.  And thankfully the person in charge is gracious to mom’s like me who forgot and as long as I have it by tomorrow it should be okay.  Whew…I feel better but I’m still sad that I forgot.

I’m sad tonight because I had to explain to a little brother what going to college means.  The first grader had no idea that college is someplace where you live when you go to school.  That you don’t come home all the time and you don’t see the person who is going as much…and he started to cry and got real quiet and  blue because the Firstborn is his champion, his buddy and it’s going to be a big adjustment.  Watching him be sad made me sad and the waterworks have started again.

I’m sad because expectations for the end of Senior year and the reality of what has happened have not aligned.  The Firstborn has had fun and is enjoying the final days of High School with all the chaos, fun, excitement and dread…but it’s not what I thought would go down.  I had different expectations years ago and those expectations have not been met in the manner that I would like or want so I’m sad.  I’m sad for the moments that I haven’t had but I’m happy for the moments that were granted.  It’s such a balancing act and more often then not I feel like the man on the tightrope barely holding on before falling.

I’m sad.  Being sad is not wrong or misguided, it’s an emotion where you can process the good, the bad, the hard, the challenging and then you can temper your other emotions and walk through the challenges.

I’m sad.

Milestones

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Do you like to travel?  I do.

Do you like long car rides that go on forever as you eagerly anticipate the destination…me not so much.  So when I travel I count down the miles to different places and track the mileage signs.  I also do this because I usually need a bathroom break and who ever is driving will say we will stop when we get to such and such destination.

I’m traveling a different road currently.  In mothering we are approaching a pretty significant milestone and I’m not sure that I’m ready for it.  Graduation is approaching.

The Firstborn is graduating in May.  It’s a huge Milestone and I’m super proud of all of the activities, accomplishments and fun that have been packed into the last 4 years of High School, but I’m also feeling overwhelmed and sad.  My baby is gearing up to leave the nest.  College is looming on the horizon and while that is exciting and the next thing that should happen in the education cycle but I’m also sad.  I’m sad because it means that the family dynamic will change and have to adapt.

We got the graduation packet this week.  It tells us all the information that parents need to know about graduation, the timelines of everything and the expectations.  I’m glad they are on top of everything but I’m not ready for it yet.  This milestone is coming to rapidly and I just want time to slow down.

So if you see me and I’m feeling weepy it’s probably this…trying to soak in as much time as possible before this milestone is upon us.  Trying to enjoy all the eye rolls, stressful moments and everything that goes with parenting an almost adult as I also start thinking about letting her go into the scary next steps. It’s a whole lot of praying and asking God for help and trusting that He is able to take better care of her then I ever could.

Life is an adventure for sure and I’m trying to focus, to enjoy and sometimes to hold on for dear life!