Thoughts

Seasons

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

It’s been a few months of healing, growing and changing.

Ecclesiates 3 keeps coming to my mind…the cycle of time. A time to be born, a time to die…a time to plant, a time to harvest…a time of joy, a time of sorrow. The song Turn, Turn Turn…is playing on my Echo in my kitchen and I’m pondering. I have the passage from Ecclesiastes on the wall in my kitchen and I read it frequently. There is a time for everything under Heaven…and God is in control of all things.

We are back in the Holiday season. It’s Christmas again and once again I am struggling to figure it all out. This time it’s not full of melancholy but of feeling like there may be new and different things on the Horizon…and it’s a little scary. At the same time there is a feeling of lack of purpose…my kids have gotten sick over the last two weeks and I have not been able to go in to work as I have been sick and or taking care of a sick child. I enjoy my job and find a lot of my purpose and fulfillment in doing a good job and so I am struggling with my feelings of being good enough or being valuable as I am basically forced to be at home doing less than I normally do. So I’m worrying about my status at work, whether I am being missed or not, and basically just wishing that the structure and routine of life would return. I have my patterns and I like them. Yes, they make me tired and frustrated but without them I feel like I am floundering. But I have to put my kids first and make sure that they are taken care of and so I will stay home with them and let them get well. I’m not a nurse or good with illness so I am definitely feeling like I am off my A game.

I took this picture this week…a rotting pumpkin sitting next to my Christmas tree…and it makes me think. I’m like this rotting pumpkin…if I’m not careful…watching and sitting and turning inward on myself…but what’s hidden inside that pumpkin is seeds…that when planted will grow into a vine and produce additional pumpkins. It does little good to be all wrapped up inside myself and hiding from the world. Do I need to stay home? Yes…my kiddos are sick. Did I plan this to make everyone’s life harder and more frustrating? Of course not…if anything I am the one who is the most frustrated by this situation. Am I learning and growing from this situation?…yes…with difficulty and a little bit of frustration but yes I am growing and learning. Do I need to wallow and whine? No, I need to find projects and opportunities to serve my family while I am not able to go to work…and let the other side take care of itself. I need to trust and not worry.

Seasons are important…I think that’s why God created them. He brings different things into our life at different times so that we can grow, learn, mature, and change. He uses the Seasons to bring periods of rest into our lives and allow us to recharge and adapt. He brings people in and out of lives in ways we don’t expect or see coming but in ways that allow us to learn, grow, support, encourage and thrive.

Healing

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been on a journey for just over 2 years now. It’s been the hardest, longest, exhausting and amazing thing I have ever done. Counseling is HARD…it’s hard to look at yourself and try and see yourself for who you really are. To unpack the pieces of a puzzle and try and get them to all fit together so you can finally see the big picture.

When I yelled during a fight that I wanted a divorce I was shocked, appalled and dismayed. I believe in Marriage. I believe that God created Marriage and that a loving marriage is honoring and pleasing to Him. I believe that 2 people should be partners and strive and work together to create something that is good, pleasing and pleasant. It’s God’s design for 2 people to work together, to build one another up and to make a life together. Will there be challenges and struggles, yes…will there be parts that you don’t like…of course but ultimately your marriage should be your safe space, a place where you feel accepted, loved and wanted. A place where you can be yourself and not feel like you have to be something you are not. A comfortable place that is HOME…and mine wasn’t. As hard as I tried, as hard as I worked and wanted it to be that way it wasn’t. I was never good enough, I never did enough, I never appreciated him or supported him the way he wanted. I could spend all day cleaning or working on a project and instead of a compliment I would get a BUT…something wasn’t good enough, or there was something more I could have done. My plans were never as important as his, my dreams were never a priority, my projects could wait…but I had to drop everything to make sure his stuff happened. And I did a lot, because if I didn’t I was criticized, belittled or made small…and who wants that. My needs and wants were met in part but never fully because I was being too extra, or it was too much money or it just isn’t necessary. Little by little I became less…until I was just a shell of the woman I wanted to be. I was nervous and worried anytime that anyone would question me or ask me to do something because I didn’t know if they would like what I would do. I’m normally a very confident person and I lost my confidence. I began to doubt my abilities and worth based on the opinion of someone.

I stood up for myself and demanded Change…and here we are. There have been some big changes. And they are good changes. I’ve unpacked so many layers that I have buried over time. I realize that I made mistakes…I’m far from perfect but this doesn’t mean I am bad or evil, or unworthy…it means I’m human. I’m allowed to make mistakes and not feel like I am dooming my family. I’m an amazing person who does things daily that are hard and frustrating and I work hard and I meet so many needs of others often without getting mine met and I’m capable and loved. People love me. My kids love me, my family loves me, the children in my classroom love me, my church loves me. And GOD LOVES ME.

GOD LOVES ME.

God is in control of all things…and sometimes I forget that. As I have gone through this healing journey God has shown me over and over again how much He Loves Me. When my former spouse decided that I would keep the house for the kids and started the process of filling out our paperwork I prayed and asked God that if it was a good thing for me to keep the house that I would need him to show me how I would be able to deal with issues we were having with the roof and other cosmetic things. Within 3 days of me praying that prayer there was a roofing company in the area who were looking at a neighbors roof who saw that I had a few missing shingles and thought that they might be able to help…and I got a new roof that summer. My children have never gone hungry, I have not been unable to pay my bills and my work has been very accommodating to my scheduling issues. God is Faithful to me and my family.

Healing hurts though…as you begin to heal you experience sadness and pain because you realize that the things you once tolerated and thought of as good were not as good as they should have been. You realize just how much you gave up to keep the peace and keep the facade in place. You realize that you should have received and been given so much more than you were not because you deserve them but because its basic human to human goodness. I unpacked a big item in my healing journey in the last 10 days and right now I’m working through the sadness of it all. So I’m sitting with my feelings, eating more ice cream and cheese than I probably should and letting the emotions be part of me. I suppressed emotions for a long time and I’m not doing that anymore. These feelings are valid and need to be processed but I’m using them like a stepping stone, not a stumbling block, they won’t keep me from my goals or moving forward.

Most of all I’m thankful. Thankful for the lessons, the pain, the trials, the awakening. I’m thankful for the people and impact that others have on me. I’m so thankful for my kids and the way that they love me. And I’m thankful that as I’m healing God is revealing more and more how much He loves me and the plans that He has in store for me. I’m not sure what my future holds but I know who holds my future. So I will continue to heal, continue to grow and continue to wait in expectation of what may happen next.

Forgiveness

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes things hit you right between the eyes.

For me this is typically a sermon and means God is trying to teach me something.

Today the sermon at church hit me right between the eyes and is still really resounding with me.

The main thrust of what our pastor preached on today that I walked away with was FORGIVENESS.

Colossians 3: 12-14 was today’s passage:

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grieviances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

So kindness is showing goodness to others, humility is having an honest view of ourselves, gentleness is defined by not showing harshness but having consideration not causing pain but enduring, and patience is having a calm response and not being quick to anger. We need to bear with each other and forgive because God forgave us…and finally the pieces of this garment we are to wear is LOVE…which holds it all together like a belt.

I feel like these are all qualities that I try and practice on a daily basis. I try to go into each day showing these character qualities and being a person who is growing and demonstrating her faith. To show Jesus in my daily life as I serve Him. But there is a person in my life who makes this so very hard.

I was married for 21 years. I will be upfront and say that I was by no means a perfect wife. I made plenty of mistakes. I did things that I am ashamed of and created problems in my marriage that we had to work through…but as I grew as a person and in my Faith I realized my mistakes and worked diligently to correct mistakes, do better and be a good wife. However, the person I was married to stopped growing or was incapable of growth. He would make mistakes and shift the blame onto me and the kids, he would not see the growth and change only focus on the areas that were still lacking. There was a real double standard in our marriage…I was responsible for all mistakes, issues and problems and he was allowed to point them out but if I did the same in response then I was in the wrong or the table would be flipped. If I wanted to go and do things that would strengthen our marriage I was met with resistance and told that I wouldn’t be able to handle these marriage seminars because I would realize how good I had it and be disappointed. Nothing I did would ever be good enough and there was no way that I would ever rectify all my mistakes or issues. Growth and change…nope…if you said it 20 years ago it must still be true. The immaturity of our early life was the basis for our whole life and the idea that thoughts and processes grow and mature as you gain wisdom was laughable. I was made to be so much less…my job was not as important as his because I didn’t make as much money, my needs were only worthwhile to be met if I was also meeting his, helping around the house was not necessary for him because he worked. There was a lot of neglect, indifference and pain.

When you are in pain or being neglected you don’t always respond in appropriate ways. I often lashed out or acted in a reactive manner because I wasn’t being treated the way I wanted or needed to be. Wounds grow deep and it’s hard to move past them. These patterns over time become so ingrained in your family dynamic that you don’t even see the damage and abuse. You simply try harder to fix the problem but you never get to the root of the issue and you don’t work past it. You work so hard until finally there is nothing left in your spirit and you break. Break into a million pieces like a shattered piece of pottery.

I chose me…and my kids. I spoke up and said that I couldn’t do it anymore. I was willing to try and fix it but I wanted and needed change. The negative patterns we were in had to stop and new healthier ones had to be created…and he didn’t agree…to the fixing side…but he did agree to divorce. So here I am…2 years past the hardest period of my life. Things are good…God is Faithful and there is so much growth and yet…I’m struggling.

My ex has decided to interject himself into areas of my life where he is not welcome. He makes statements and demonstrates attitudes to try and hook me back in and make me feel small. He wants to be seen as something that he is not and in the process is very good at making me feel bad and like I am the crazy and toxic one. He lifts himself up by making me less. It’s a recurring pattern and one that I now recognize but still struggle with getting past.

So the sermon today really hit me…I have to show forgiveness. I have to show kindness, gentleness, humility and patience. I have to demonstrate that I do things in LOVE..and I don’t want to…I want to lash out and cause him the same levels of pain and hurt that he continually heaps on me. I want him to suffer and be miserable. I want him to regret everything he ever did that caused me pain and made me suffer. I know he doesn’t think he was that bad, that he was part of the problem…in his mind he was a good husband and father…he still is a good father. When put on paper though…he’s not. If you look at it in black and white it’s obvious to anyone that his perception is off.

This quote hit really hard today…
“Forgiveness is giving up my Right to hurt you or get even with you for hurting me.”

I have to give up my thoughts and feelings of seeking revenge and forgive the mistakes of the past. To forgive the hurtful and mean things that are stated, the lack of acknowledging my boundaries, and my right to get even.

The following also really resonated with me:

“Forgiveness does NOT excuse their behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying you”-anonymous

“Forgiving someone who tramautized us is necessary for Growth, but does not mean we have to stay in the realtionship or dynamic.”

Co parenting with someone who has deeply hurt you makes for challenges. Trying to be loving and demonstrate that you are a follower of Christ is also hard. My wounds are raw, my scars are fresh and my triggers are easily triggered. But I will not let bitterness and negativity find its way back into my spirit. I will show Forgiveness and I will grow and change and see the good that God has for me.

Why Do I Doubt

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Today I am struggling and overwhelmed by areas of my life.

My son’s car won’t start…probably a dead battery…I’m not sure how to go about fixing it. My son took my car to work and it won’t be a problem to share for a couple days but it’s still an added stress.

I hired an extermination company to take care of some issues I am having around my house…and I forgot to tell my son about it and so he was surprised by the situation.

I’m feeling embarassed because I let things slide during the school year and as much as I would love to be on top of everything all the time I am not capable as a single woman, a busy mom and a full time worker to accomplish everything.

I have room prep at my job today to get ready for the summer session and I have to rearrange, reorganize and get a brand new space ready and I am not content to do the bare minimum so I go in full gusto. May have bitten off more than I can easily chew but I will get it done…I always do.

As my son was leaving tonight he was visibly frustrated…so I followed him and tried to figure out what was going on and how I could repair what feels like a big rift in our relationship…learning a new dynamic with an adult child is harder than I expected. During our few minute conversation he looks at me with tears in his eyes and says…”MOM…why do you doubt? Why do you think you are not doing enough, or that I don’t recognize what is happening and know that you are doing your best?”

Wow…David and Goliath type moment right there…hits hard right between the eyes…
“WHY DO I DOUBT”

…that I am good enough

…that I am Worthy of love

…that I am making a difference

…that I have Value…without doing something

…that my ideas are good and helpful

…that I am creative and capable

…that I am an amazing person to love and know.

One thing you don’t realize as you come out of a TOXIC relationship…is that your inner voice has been rewritten for a long time…when the person who is supposed to love you the most is also your biggest critic and makes you feel small you start to believe it. You hear what they have to say over what you know to be the TRUTH…when they paint a picture that is counter to the reality of the situation you have to swim so hard to break free of the emotional riptide that catches you. You over compensate in hopes that you can somehow rectify the situation and that it will be okay…you find yourself looking to fill all the conditions so that hopefully you will be fully loved.

Music has found its way back into my life…I stopped listening to music for years because my former spouse and I didn’t agree on types of music to listen to and he didn’t and doesn’t like what I like and its just easier to not listen then to argue. I’m listening to music…all types. I listen to secular, Christian, gospel, country…if I find a song I like I’m listening to it…and it’s a balm to my soul. Music has a way of bringing feelings and emotions out in a way that few things do and I’m enjoying the healing that can be found in music.

Right now a song by Casting Crowns has really hit hard…and I’ve listened to it on repeat most of the day…I think God knew I needed this song today. It’s Called Just Be Held

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
(Stop holding on and just be held)
Just be held, just be held
Just be held, just be held

I’m giving my doubt to God…I’m looking for His presence in this storm…I’m remembering I’m so much bigger than situations and my kids…my kids know that I love them and that I will do whatever I can to help them learn and grow. I’m not defined by my mistakes and I can conquer and grow and not be made smaller than I truly am. I’m grateful for that statement tonight…”WHY DO YOU DOUBT?” because it makes me think and trust.

Being Enough

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I am an achiever…I like to be seen as being good at something or to excel at things. I like to be busy, I like to accomplish things, I like the feeling of satisfaction that comes with a job well done. I also like PRAISE…my 2 ways people can show me love is by words of affirmation and acts of service. These are about 50/50…I like to do things and accomplish things but when I am overwhelmed or busy I like when people step in and help me and I like it when I do something that people tell me I have done a good job. When people appreciate my efforts and tell me it makes me feel loved, wanted and worthy.

I was married to someone who didn’t fully understand or care about my love language. He thought he did…but he truly didn’t. Toward the end of my marriage I was met with the following phrase…multiple times a day and week…”thank you, love you, appreciate you.” The same phrase over and over…with very little emotion, no specifics and no real feeling put into it. Just the phrase..over and over, as if to say “here…this should make everything okay.” It was said so often and so generally that by the end of my marriage it became a bone of contention for me…salt in the wound or lemon juice in a paper cut. Thank you for what…making dinner, taking care of the kids, helping you with a project, cleaning the bathroom…what are you grateful that I did for you…if he had just said..thanks for the delicious dinner or for the effort you put into this project I would have felt much more loved and appreciated. Appreciation needs specificity…what are you being appreciated for? It’s nice to say you appreciate something but specifics go a long way in helping the situation.

I internalized this phrase of his…and started to judge my worth and value based on his reactions. He made me small in so many ways and I believed him. I believed that his little breadcrumbs and occasional acts of service were all that I deserved. All that I was good enough for…and that’s a LIE…I am worth so much more than that.

I am the Mother of 4 children…ages 21, 19, 11, and 5….large gap parenting is extra challenging. You have adult sized problems and loose teeth at the same time. I have paid for college tuition and a box of diapers in the same week…this is not typical mothering it’s hard core/ never stop mothering. From the time my oldest was born to the day my youngest will be done with High School I will have been mothering non stop for 34 years…I’m not the only mother who has had this situation but in this modern age it is very atypical…and I am a good mother. I am enough at being my kids mom.

I have children with Special Needs and Medical issues…my 11 year old has Type 1 Diabetes and my youngest has Autism. They struggle with things that I can’t control in the way I would like. There are days when I struggle with getting out of bed because of issues in the middle of the night…there are pump changes, sensor changes, making sure that we have enough supplies and insulin. There is vomiting, struggles with Highs and Lows and always having to be on alert for an emergency situation. There are temper tantrums and being overwhelmed and screaming and struggling with emotional control. There are days when I want to run away and hide and just want someone to step into the situation and help me take control. There are days when I take pictures and shake my head so I can remember down the road just how far we have come on our journey but it is exhausting and yet…I am enough…I can learn and grow and meet these challenges.

I am Single…I sleep alone…I control my bills and finances…I juggle my schedule and yet I am ENOUGH…I can accomplish these things and while I may not know how to do everything that I would like to by myself I have resources and ability to find people to help make my life easier.

I am ENOUGH… I am capable, strong, gifted, talented and so much bigger than the box that I was trying so desperately to fit inside…I’m loud, energetic and enthusiastic. I’m loved and adored by my children and the children in my classroom. I have people in my life who want to be with me…who pray for me and my kids and love us…not because we do things for them but because we are people who are worthy of being seen and known.

I am ENOUGH…I have a big God on my side who knows my innermost parts and sees me for who I am.

I am ENOUGH…no matter if I am married or single…I’m a capable woman who is so much more than I thought I was.

I am ENOUGH…and that is Enough for me…and I’m grateful that I see that now.

Slaying the Dragon

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Two years ago this month my life flipped upside down and backwards.

I had been struggling with thoughts and feelings for a long time and the pressure cooker of Covid became too much for me. I was angry, hurt and unhappy. I was drowning in chaos and pressure and trying to be perfect all the time in the hopes that I would be appreciated, seen and respected. I was full of anxiety and felt like everyone was always disappointed in me and that I was never ever good enough. My marriage was struggling…and I couldn’t even put my finger on why…I was trying so hard to be a good wife and mom and nothing I did was ever enough. I needed and wanted CHANGE…and so one day in the middle of an argument I snapped…screamed in the middle of a fight that I could not do it anymore…I want a Divorce. I still don’t know where those words came from…it was not on my mind, not something I wanted or believed in…it was a gut action response that I needed change and the only words that I thought I could use to make my husband finally hear me. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from life and so tired of pushing this giant snowball of emotions, pain, stress and expectations up this never ending mountain covered by boulders. I couldn’t do it anymore and I reacted, just wanted to finally be heard. I let go of the snowball…letting it roll over me and down the mountain…not caring what was going to happen and feeling a giant weight release as I said those dreaded words…I can’t do this anymore…I want a divorce.

Once you say those words…I want a divorce…there is a feeling of what now? There is shock, dismay, and if I am honest a feeling of release…but then huge and monumental fear…like what have I done? You and your spouse have 2 options…fix the problems and make changes or get divorced. I was willing to do option 1…fix the problems..he chose option 2…get divorced. So by the end of March 2021…I was divorced…my ex and I decided on who got what, wrote a parenting plan, worked on dividing stuff up, he moved out in August and paperwork was filed in November with everything completed by the end of March.

I started counseling 10 days after I yelled those dreaded words in May of 2020. I couldn’t believe what I had done…what I had said…I was wanting to fix the problem and was worried that it was all my fault. I let go of the snowball but picked up a backpack…and I filled it full of the boulders and rocks that I had been pushing against…GUILT… for saying I wanted a divorce…SHAME…that I couldn’t be a perfect wife…BLAME..this is all my fault…PAIN…why would I do this…STIGMA…look I’m another statistic…FEAR could I do this on my own…and I started carrying all these things around.

It’s taken almost 2 years for me to unload the backpack. I have worked so hard at trying to figure out who I am and why I do things the way I do. Counseling is compared to peeling an onion…you have to get through all the outer layers to find the reasons and meat of the issues in the center. I did a lot of peeling and trimming to find the root issues to my pain, my struggles and other things in my life. As I have worked on myself I have gained things…I have rediscovered parts of myself that I had pushed to the side, hidden from the world. I am learning to embrace being who I am and not letting others make me be less than who I am. I am content with being who I am and if you don’t like me that is on you and not on me. I have learned that I am okay by myself…I am a capable woman who can do big things. When I let go of the snowball and started making changes I began discovering that issues and struggles became less because deep down I learned what was my fault and what wasn’t my fault. I had put on blinders to so many things and when the blinders come off you learn so much and see so much more.

I viewed my ex- husband as this big smoking dragon…this force to be reckoned with and fear…but I’m learning he’s not as scary as I once thought. I’m my own knight in shining armor and if he can’t handle how amazing and wonderful I am then I don’t need to worry about what he thinks. I allowed his opinion of me to dictate my life for too long and as I get more mentally healthy I’m discovering that I am so much more than he ever appreciated or understood me to be.

I don’t believe that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. He does…so we depend on Him. I’m learning that with my big God on my side I can face anything that I come up against. Is it hard with lots of challenges? Yes…but I also have the confidence in seeing how God has worked in the past and how he will work in my future. Do I know what the future holds? Not yet…God is still revealing that to me but I don’t have to live in fear of my past and act like I am not the strong child of God that I am.

I’m learning to be the healthiest version of me…and you know what…I like her…

Tears

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I cried today for a situation that doesn’t even involve me.

I cried because I don’t know what to do, or say or how to help.

I cried because my heart hurts for someone else.

I cried because sometimes there is nothing else you can do.

I cried. I hurt. I’m confused.

So many emotions are running through my mind.

I’m overthinking and analyzing and trying desperately not to fall into old habits.

I want to throw myself at the situation and try and take control and pull and shove and make everything okay again.

This is a situation where I have absolutely no control…none.

I have to trust, I have to find peace, I have to be okay with not being in control.

I want to help but sometimes the best way to help is by not helping and wait.

Waiting is something I am not good at. Waiting is hard.

The Unexpected

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I never expected my little boys. They were both surprises.

God knew

I never expected to be anything except for “Till Death do us part” and yet here I am divorced.

God knew

I never wanted to be as strong as I have to be…and yet I have strength I never knew I had.

God knew

I never thought I would be starting over in my 40’s feeling like I’m in my 20’s again

God knew

Something new and unexpected has entered my life…and it’s a little surreal…but one thing I do know is

God knew

In many ways this year I am grateful for the unexpected. The unexpected brings fear, joy, terror, happiness and so many other conflicting emotions…and yet there is a feeling of calm and of peace…and I know that God KNOWS…he sees the big picture that I can’t see yet…and I just have to trust. Trust that God knows, he will always know and he will guide and lead.

Triggered

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I’m in full on recovery mode this weekend.

I was triggered.

I’m fragile, tense, stressed and physically hurt.

I was Triggered.

My body remembers certain events and I haven’t completely worked through them all yet.

Because I was Triggered.

There is freedom and so many good things in my life…but I had to take a step back and deal with the feelings from the past.

Because I was Triggered.

I will NOT let this beat me…I will NOT be made small…It is NOT my responsibility…You may NOT do this to me…

I’m done with being Triggered…I will not let this ruin my life…YOU WILL NOT WIN!!!

I have FREEDOM…I have PEACE….I am STRONG…I am WORTHY…I have VALUE…I AM AMAZING!!!!!

You here that jerkface….I AM AMAZING…too bad you can’t see it.

You lost out….I’m better off without you so put your complaints, issues and blame game away….

I AM BIGGER than this and I AM TOO Much for you…

The Struggle

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Today my body reminded me of something that happened a year ago.

I woke up today and I have just been off. It’s been a struggle to just make it through the day. I’m tense, my neck is tight and my upper back is hurting. Little things that normally would not make me feel bad are huge and my feelings are fragile. I’m struggling.

Today is the 1 year anniversary of going to court and having the judge end my marriage. Today a year ago was super stressful and full of anguish, stress and relief all mixed into a big bag of regret and pain.

Divorce hurts…there is no way around it.

Divorce makes you question everything…and whether the divorce was needed or necessary there are so many big feelings and issues that go along with divorce. Divorce is a stigma in Christian culture and often treated as the world’s biggest sin. Divorce makes you question everything under a microscope and sometimes the things you see are ugly and hurtful and cause pain. Divorce brings change…change to relationship, change to your psyche, change to what you value or want, and divorce can also be the thing in your life that you didn’t know you needed.

Some relationships are toxic and unhealthy. An unhealthy relationship is like a cancer in the body and it destroys the spirit. It drives you to a place where you can’t see anything positive and the negativity makes you despair. You wear blinders and can’t see the truth for anything and you make so many excuses. So many excuses and chances in the hopes that there will be change.

Change is what I wanted. I had to change what was happening in my life. I stopped pushing the giant snowball up the mountain that just got longer and harder and heavier. I let go and let the pieces fall and the avalanche of snow topple down the mountain.

The clean up from the avalanche is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. There is so much that I have had to unearth, sort through and see. My blinders are off, I see reality for what it is and what it wasn’t when I was pushing and trying to be all things to everyone.

However there is beauty in the ashes…wounds are healing and while there are scars they are becoming more of the background of the story and not the forefront. There is joy in the little things…smiles and laughter and fun. Things are looking more positive, and there is HOPE.

God has met me where I am…He brings people into my life who love me…he tells me that I have Value and WORTH…he sees me for who I am, the wonderful person he created me to be. He has met every need and I have more than I need. There is joy with my boys as we create an environment that works for us…there are challenges but God meets me and helps me find the best tools and path for us.

The body remembers the trauma and stress but the mind can be set free and while today may be hard…there is joy in the morning so I will sit with the grief of today and be aware but I won’t let it rewrite my life.