Thoughts

4 years

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Four years ago my life as I had known it stopped.

Four years ago I screamed words I never thought would come out of my mouth.

Four years ago I chose me and my kids over the ideals and principles that I had been raised to Revere.

Four years ago I jumped into the unknown after 21 years of living a certain way of life.

And I’m better for it.

But there are memories trapped in my body. And my body remembers….and it challenges my spirit.

Do I regret the changes…no

Do I appreciate where I currently am in my life…yes

Do I want to go back to the way it used to be….absolutely not!

But there are days when I can’t explain why I feel off or am struggling extra and today is one of those days and then when I fully process what is happening I remember that it’s a date where something significant happened…and I have an AHA! moment. Trauma bonding is real, toxicity is a thing and when you come out of it and realize the dramatic changes you are so grateful for the healing and changes. But your body remembers and it can take a longer period of time than you expect for your body to fully release the negative and toxic emotions associated with past trauma.

All in all…I’m thankful for the past 4 years…and I am thankful for the life I live and the amazing changes that have happened.

Overthinking

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I am 100% an overthinker.

I overthink everything…and when I’m tired or stressed my overthinking kicks into high gear and I get lost in this head space where I almost feel trapped. I’m trapped by my thought patterns and my feelings of am I doing enough, am I helping enough, am I meeting the needs of those around me…am I being selfish if I want time for me? These thoughts start like a hamster wheel and I jump on and before I know it I am trapped in what feels like a never ending cycle.

In the past I would do everything in my power to fix the situation of what I am overthinking about…to the detriment of me and my family. I would dive into my work also and work extra hard to be the best teacher to make my classroom shine and be seen as the best. I want the acknowledgment of being good at what I do. I want to be the best person at everything…I want to be the best wife, mother, teacher, friend, and if I’m not or see myself as less worthy I feel like I am worthless or undeserving of good things and rest. I have to earn the right to rest…but that’s wrong thinking…I don’t have to earn the right to rest or take breaks…I don’t have to kill myself and be busy all the time to be worthy of love, affection or attention.

It’s amazing how quickly you can fall back into toxic thinking and habits. For 21 years I was told that I didn’t do enough, that I wasn’t supportive enough, that I wasn’t good enough…and I believed it. Unless I was functioning at 100% all the time and doing all the things and meeting all the needs and basically being perfect…then I was deserving of love, time and good things…otherwise there wasn’t a point to it or it was a waste of time. I don’t always know how to feel comfortable in my own home and space…I feel like there is a judgement team out there always waiting to drop in and see all the things I haven’t done and the places where its’ not quite good enough and that is the focus instead of all the ways and efforts of things that are good and nice and tidy. My house is not perfect but it’s also not super messy or dirty. I am cleaning and maintaining the spaces…I’m able to function and so are the other members of the family. It’s not my job to do all the things and be responsible for all the things…our family is a partnership, a team effort and everyone needs to contribute and do their part.

So what’s the point of all of this…I don’t know. Part of my healing process has been learning to recognize the patterns and areas where I get hung up and recognize that I have value and worth outside of the things I do and contribute to the family…simply for being who I am. Sometimes it’s a easy time and other times like right now I struggle with feeling like I don’t do enough or bring enough to the table…I don’t hold others to levels of expectation that I place on myself and I can’t figure out why I can’t see the positive contributions that I bring to situations.

I told my counselor once that I view perfect as being life is easy….so I strive for perfection in the hopes that if I meet it life will be easy. So if anything is less than perfect then I must be failing because if I was perfect than it would be easy and I wouldn’t be struggling…and that’s not how life works…we struggle, we adapt, we change and we grow….and this is part of my growth process…recognizing that I don’t have to be perfect for life to not be a struggle…to see that I bring value and have worth outside of what I do and that people like me even when I don’t feel like they should or would.

Writing is cathartic and helps me process the parts of me that are hard to explain…so thank you for reading and understanding my thoughts processes as I work through the healing and growth struggles that come from rebuilding your life after living in a toxic and emotionally damaging space for many years. Building a new life is gratifying but comes with unexpected places that put you back into negative patterns that are familiar but not desired…thankfully I see the negatives now and am working on negotiating them in a healthy and positive manner.

Effort Matters

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I’ve been thinking a lot about the word effort this week. The word is defined as a vigorous or determined attempt. When you put forth effort it means that you try or attempt to do something to the best of your ability to help, achieve, encourage, determine. When you put forth effort with something you show that you value or want to benefit from the thing you are making an effort to do, show or attain.

I had a birthday this week. So did my husband. We are exactly 3 years and 1 day apart in age. I didn’t know what to expect this time around since the last birthday’s that we have celebrated we were long distance in our relationship…and honestly from a logistics point of view long distance was easier as we could just send gifts through the mail and not have anyone left out in the birthday meal, cake equations. I have 2 things that are a priority for me on my birthday…1 is I don’t cook…I don’t want to make my own food on my birthday…that doesn’t mean I have to be taken out for my birthday but if we are eating at home I’m not cooking the food…and 2 I want a birthday cake…preferably yellow cake with chocolate icing. If I get those 2 things I am a happy camper.

It’s weird getting married after you have kids. Both my husband and I came into the marriage with kids. When you are married and have kids in the household there really isn’t a honeymoon period…you just jump in and go. Plus we each have challenges with the custody schedules with our children so there has been very little time for just us. This year my husband had both his birthday and my birthday off. I haven’t gone back to work yet as I’ve been in a period of adjusting with my kids and the family so we had time on both days for just us…we don’t get a lot of just us time. On his birthday, while the kids were in school, we went to a local state park to view some waterfalls and possibly go hammocking…but it was kinda cold and about to rain so we just hiked a little bit and did a driving tour of the area. On my birthday, while the kids were off to school, we went and viewed a local national historic site and had a nice time just being together. We enjoyed a nice lunch out on his birthday and then I helped make his favorite meal for everyone(6 kids and us) and I baked him a cake…on my birthday he cooked a steak and potatoes dinner on the new grill we gifted each other and he attempted to make a cake…it tasted good but didn’t win points in the presentation department…and we celebrated each other and the life we each have led. We had time with the whole family on his birthday and game night for those interested and on my birthday we enjoyed time with my kids and watched a movie…all in all good days.

I kept coming back to the idea of effort…and why it matters to me. There is a statement that flies around that if they wanted to they would…and this is spot on. I’m a person who appreciates the effort that others put into what is important to me. I was asked what I wanted to eat, what matters to me and I was heard. Was it perfect…no, but the effort to try and make sure that I felt special and appreciated mattered and was definitely felt. When someone loves you they make sure that you feel loved and appreciated even when it’s not the ideal experience for you or what you necessarily like.

All in all I had an amazing birthday. As an added bonus I am loved and appreciated by someone who sees me for who I am and appreciates the little things and ways that I do stuff. I hope that on the flip side I made my husband also feel special and appreciated especially on his birthday.

Reflections

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The end of February has kicked the pants out from under me.

On the marriage front life is easy. My husband and I are figuring out life together, enjoying being together as a couple and learning how to love each other well. We both had struggles in our first marriages and are finding that we are actually pretty good spouses to each other…and we work. We still look at each other and shake our heads in disbelief frequently because when we first started communicating and reconnecting neither one of us thought or expected to end up here…and we work well together. We talk, we laugh, we support, we enjoy. It’s working and we like it…but we still find it a little bit mind baffling.

Blending a family…that’s a challenge. We are struggling with finding a good rhythm to the family. My kids live with us full time as their dad lives 600 miles away. His kids live with us one night a week and every other weekend. They live with their mom…4 miles away…and yet we struggle…they are not here enough for us to build good routines and consistency to our family schedule. Sometimes when you co parent with someone you are able to have good communication and other times the communication makes you want to pull your hair out and you are struggling. It’s a period of being on the struggle bus…to the point that we have had to go to court to try and finalize the parenting plan and have a ruling that is more fair. I’m not weighing in on the marriage or the issues that were had before me but I have opinions over what we are facing now. We have things that we desire for our family that we are in and when you work with a person who sees things from a differing perspective and point of view and is not willing to either keep their nose out of our business and let us do our jobs or is shifting blame and accusing us of things its a struggle to be nice and not get mean or petty.

I feel bad for all the kids. My kids struggle with not treating the bonus siblings as guests or interlopers. They are very comfortable here because it’s their home…the bonus siblings are here about 10 days each month…and that’s not a lot of time…and I feel bad for the bonus kids because they feel like they are living out of suitcases…and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m also struggling with the way the bonus kids operate and function and listen because they do things differently than me and they are teenagers and I have things that work with my kids…and they are in my home but they are not my kids. They also don’t always like the boundaries and rules that we have that are different from their other house so there is disagreements and arguments…and that’s a struggle for me to keep a positive attitude and mindset when I just want to give up.

Add on top of everything my older children are going through some life changes and big moves and that has been a hard experience for me. I thought that both kids would be moving to NY and that they would live separate from me…but my second born isn’t ready to launch like that…he needs a smaller jump…one closer to where we live…he’s capable but struggling with it…so he is back from NY and going to be getting a job here and moving into an apartment closer to us so that he can still be around his little brothers and near family which he feels like he needs. It was a rough period and I don’t fully believe he gave it a big enough shot but I have to support and help him grow so we will do it a different way.

Motherhood is challenging…large gap parenting is extra challenging. I have to be available to support and guide from a distance the 2 that are adults…which sometimes means I keep my mouth shut and just listen. Other times I have to be a sounding board for the challenges and struggles that they are having and give advice whether they like hearing it or not. It’s a more mental side of mothering. Then I have the 2 that live with me who are minors…and they each have their challenges. We have Autism from the youngest and Type 1 diabetes and anxiety issues from the almost teenager. So we have behavior challenges and struggles and blood sugar issues, and teenage hormones…and sometimes I think I may explode from the challenges of it all.

I also wasn’t prepared for how being the Stepmother makes me feel. There is a lot of stigma in the world about the role of the Stepmother. Sometimes I feel like my rules, needs or desires don’t matter. The kids don’t feel like they need another mother…they have a mother and I am a different dynamic than their mom. They have one set of rules or expectations at their mom’s house and I have different rules and expectations at my house. I have boundaries that my kids know and respect and they have different boundaries and they can think my boundaries are limiting or mean. There is also a feeling of where do I fit…they have a lot of memories that don’t involve me and since they are older they don’t necessarily want to build new memories with their Dad when I am there…I’m the interloper, the outsider and I brought a whole lot of people with me and that can make for an us vs them situation….on both sides. I have read from the experts that it can take 3-7 years for families to feel fully blended…and the kids are teenagers…so it’s a race against time…and exes…and situations…and behaviors…and sometimes you just want to ask if it is worth it. I know it will be worth it…but it’s a challenge…and we are only about 8 months in to this whole life adventure but sometimes I feel discouraged.

So we are starting a new month…one with new challenges and items on the horizon and I will take the challenges and struggles as they come but I will be honest…I’m hoping its a little bit easier moving forward then the past month.

Big Changes

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My oldest child moved out when it was time for college. 

My second oldest child will move out tonight.

My third child was 7 years old when the oldest moved out…he’s now 12

My youngest child is currently 7 when his sibling moves.

Life is surreal…full of change and ups and downs. I’m excited for the opportunities and the future that both of my oldest kids have before them but at the same time I’m feeling nervous. My oldest is working in NYC and the second born will be moving in with the first born…and its good and exciting and needed but I’m also feeling overwhelmed by it all.

If I’m honest I don’t know what life will look like around here with out my second born being my emergency back up guy. Throughout my divorce and all the changes that occurred he was the biggest help and saved my butt so many times with little things that could easily have fallen through the cracks. And now he is moving…and I’m feeling all the feels. He is also a huge rock and fixed point in both of the little boys lives and I’m not sure how the adjustment period is going to go with them. There are a lot of what if’s right now.

I’m a ball of mixed emotions. I’m sad that he is going, I’m excited for the opportunities, I’m hopeful for the future, I’m nervous about the siblings living together, I’m relieved that the oldest 2 will have family near them. Mostly I’m proud. Proud of them for pursuing their dreams and making things happen.

So I may have a few trips to the Big Apple in my future…this Mama will need all the hugs and love from her babies!

5 Years

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Five years ago today I was trying desperately to figure out what was wrong with my third kid. He was lethargic, he had lost 10 pounds really rapidly and he didn’t have 10 pounds to spare, he was just off. There was something wrong but nothing that I could put my finger on. I was just worried and not sure what the the next step to take should be. I sent him to school that Wednesday and around the end of the day I got a call from the school nurse…and she wanted to let me know that he had been in her office, taken a nap and was just not feeling well. He didn’t have a fever or any major symptoms but he was saying that his throat hurt and his tummy was bothering him and she wanted to give me a heads up! Finally I had an idea of what it could be…STREP! I made arrangements with my boss, got off work a little bit early and made an appointment at the local minute clinic as I was after normal business hours for our family doctor! We were going to get a diagnosis and he would start feeling better…little did I know we would get a diagnosis…just not of strep…something else, something bigger. 

The minute clinic nurse practitioner saved my son’s life that night…she went over his symptoms, listened to my concerns and point blank told me that she didn’t think it was strep or a virus…it’s more serious than that…she did the strep test…it was negative, she looked him over and then got out a Blood Glucose Meter and did a simple finger stick…which then read HIGH. I made her do a finger stick on me…I was at 92…normal range…and then she did it again…and it was again HIGH. She told me…he has to go to the Children’s Hospital tonight…its extremely serious and he needs immediate care. I called my best friend who is a nurse and asked for her advice and recommendation for which hospital we should go to and she agreed that he needed immediate care and said we should go to the downtown hospital. 

We discovered that he does in fact have Type 1 Diabetes. His blood sugar at admittance was 530 and he had ketones of 5.9…full blown DKA diabetic ketoacidosis. We were admitted and spent 2 nights in the hospital learning about diabetes. After you are released the real learning begins and you are taught how to do everything…carb count, give insulin, check blood sugar, check ketones, all the ins and outs…it’s so much information that they don’t teach it all at once…we had a second class about 2 weeks later where we learned more. We have since gotten a CGM(continuous glucose monitor), pump and learned the best ways to track his symptoms, carbs and stuff.

So today we are celebrating his Diaversary…this is a term in the diabetes community where you celebrate another year of kicking diabetes butt and staying alive! Since it’s his 5 year diaversary we are having cake and being thankful for my son and another year of life…it’s not his birthday but it’s an important milestone to celebrate! Thankful for all the ups and downs, all the learning that has happened and for the gift of life!

Grace

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Something I’m learning through my healing and journey of rediscovering who I am is the idea of giving myself GRACE…

I grew up with the self imposed idea that woman can do everything, be everything and accomplish whatever they put their mind to…and yes I am capable and able to do a lot but I am not Wonder Woman and I have limits that I am starting to recognize and embrace. 

I’m a high energy take charge type of person and I will make a to do list that is longer than it should be and then I feel defeated if I don’t accomplish everything on the list…even if it’s not realistic. So to give myself Grace…I make a list of the things I want to accomplish over 5-7 days and it’s much more manageable.

In my first marriage I felt that if I didn’t accomplish a goal or make progress on stuff then I was failing and looking like I was being lazy…and in the process I worked myself up and was always wound up so that I would almost tick…and I was married to someone who saw all the things I didn’t do rather than the stuff I accomplished. My new husband sees the effort and appreciates that I have obstacles or challenges with kids in the house and sees the little things I do…and it makes me feel appreciated and loved…he also comments on things that I see as no big deal and it makes me appreciate that my efforts are seen.

Today is a gloomy and rainy day. It’s chilly, there is a darkness and this leads to wanting to hibernate…and so I kinda am. I’m accomplishing chores and tasks but I’m not killing myself to get stuff done…if I want to write, or read, or watch a documentary I am giving myself the time and space to do that. The me of the past would be beating herself up right now…giving me a guilt trip for not being extra productive…to be conquering the new year…kicking down doors and taking names on some resolutions…and I’m not her…at least not today.

So I’m learning that trying to do it all, accomplish everything and wearing myself out in the process is counter productive. We live a busy life with a lot of people and if I need a break I should take it…I’m not being lazy if I only get 6 things on a list of 12 things…but rather I’m done with half of them and I will have more time tomorrow. 

I read an article about explaining to kiddos the difference between “Maintenance” and Chores. Maintenance is doing the little tasks that need to be accomplished in a day and a chore is something that you put gloves on or get out major tools and items to accomplish. Maintenance needs to be done daily but some chores can wait…and that’s where I am today…I’m doing those Maintenance items that need to be accomplished but the major chores can wait…and that’s okay. This article was very eye opening to me as I tend to lump everything together and then feel like I’m not doing enough because I only did the maintenance items…but the maintenance items are important and keep our household running.  

I’ve also learned that doing things that matter and bring me joy or solace is as important as accomplishing a to do list and it’s okay to take time for things that are not “important”. I’m giving myself Grace and learning to be more comfortable and okay with not being perfect or some fake constructed idea of how things have to be…it’s a learning curve and journey but one I’m learning day by day.

Thoughts on a New Year

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The New Year is a good time to reflect, think and ponder about all the things that have happened the previous year and all the things you may want to happen differently in the coming year.

To be honest 2023 was a good year for me full of lots of good and big things. I got engaged, eloped, and moved across the country! We started the process of blending 2 families…which has been a whole different experience. I was able to really relax and not worry about working but focus mainly on being a mom. I have discovered that I enjoy cooking so much more when there is someone who truly enjoys the effort and care you put into the food you make. Having someone be appreciative of the little ways you help and who tells and shows you and equally helps with the process of making a home and family experience is amazing. 

There have been some challenges and adjustments that I am still getting used. I’m very comfortable with my own children. We have routines and structures that work for us…and blending into a new family has been challenging. My bonus kids also are not here as much as my kids are with us so the dynamic with 4 or 5 is a lot easier than with 7 or 8…depending on which adult children are around…if we are all here together than its 9 people…and that’s a large number of personalities, appetites and opinions. There is the issue of having enough space so that when people need a break or some quiet time there are options…thankfully we live in a large house with good spaces but at times it can be quite overwhelming. There also is defining my role as “bonus” Mom…my bonus kiddos have a Mom and live with her and trying to not jump immediately into Mom mode for the situations that primarily involve them is challenging. Also trying to figure out where appropriate boundaries are and when I need to help my husband parent and when I need to take a step back and let him do what he needs to is a new dynamic as well.

My boys have adjusted to our move but my third son really struggled with the whole process. He had a harder time adjusting to middle school than I expected and then the difficulty of being the new kid caused him to have his anxiety really spiral out of control. His diabetes can become an issue when he’s stressed and we have had a lot of vomiting issues and stomach troubles. Thankfully he is in an upswing and through good care from our Doctors he is doing better with his diabetic control and he is on a medicine which helps with his anxiety and I’m seeing more and more of my normal kiddo and not the angry kid I first saw a lot of after our move. The youngest is doing well as long as the routine is pretty set and standard…autism is challenging and his behaviors at school can be a struggle but we are continually working to try and help him thrive. 

So looking ahead…what does 2024 look like for us? Only God actually knows but I have some things that I want to work on and see happen in the the upcoming year.

I want to choose the adventures…go places, see things and experience things. My life for a long time was very small and I didn’t go places but I’m looking forward to getting to know a new city where we live and the beautiful parks and scenery around the part of the country where we live. I’m not going to let us be content with just being boring.

I want to choose love…to be present with my kids, to be the wife that my husband needs, to paint our home in love and grace…to have my kids feel comfortable and know that they are welcome no matter what! This goes for all the kiddos…not just mine but our whole big Bonus nest.

I want to stand up for what I deserve. Too often I find myself being a people pleaser and trying to make everyone else comfortable that in the process so that I’m well liked or accepted. However that only makes me a doormat and I’m not going to allow others to treat me as less or like I’m not worthy of time and attention. 

I want to continue to grow…I have been on a growth journey the last few years and I am not content to start to be stagnate or to limit my growth potential. I’m seeking and looking for good ways to make our home a healthy and happy place and to bring the good out of everyone so that we are growing and developing together.

Whatever This Is

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Isaiah 61:3 “And provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”

My Divorce was a period of deep mourning in my soul. I was broken, hurt, alarmed,fearful and angry. I started working on things that I had pushed aside, that had been made small. I took a deep and honest look at who I am and I started to unpeel the parts and work on the areas that needed attention. I was convinced that I was done with marriage, done with men and I was content to be alone. I wasn’t going to go down that road again, I had been hurt too much, it wasn’t worth it. I was content to be a single woman alone.

Time has a way of changing things…as I worked on myself I started to heal. I started to feel things again, and I started to like myself again. I hadn’t liked myself for a long time…I was so trying to be something I wasn’t and truly can’t be that I became so wound up I would literally tick…I was a giant spring about to snap under tension. I stopped ticking…I was able finally to be me. I poured myself into fixing my house…making it my home…being comfortable in my own spaces. I poured myself into getting to know my children in a new and different way. To be the mom I wanted to be without being told it would be better this way…or feeling inadequate when we make mistakes. I started to relax, to embrace the positive side of life…to enjoy the time and moments I have.

It was during this period that I decided that maybe I was ready to possibly go on a date or two…so I joined on a whim a dating website…for exactly 18 hours…and in those 18 hours I received 10 messages, a bunch of random likes or smiles and just an overwhelming sense of creepiness. This process scared me to death…and I was like…nope, not happening, I’m not ready for this. I’m okay by myself…no thank you if this is what modern dating looks like then nope…I’ll be single! I remember sitting in my room on my bed and praying basically telling God that if HE wanted someone in my life…a partner for me, a helper and friend and confidant and love…then He would have to drop him in my lap! And I left it there and continued on with my life…not worried, not looking, not wanting anything.

And then God stepped in...

The last week of December 2021 I was on Facebook and a longtime friend from college posted a picture of his living room and tree with the statement… Burnt cookies and a messy living room. I think I’ll leave the apartment looking like this for a few days and cherish the new memories to be made with the kids. AKA divorce speak…looking for positives in a bleak situation…not using specifics but wanting to be heard. I filed it away and mentioned to another friend that I thought someone I knew from college was getting or just gotten divorced and then I didn’t really think about it…until…the Pittsburgh Steelers made the Playoffs. And that starts the most unexpected adventure in my life story…

January 10, 2022 it’s 1:52 in the morning and my Facebook messenger pings…with the following message…Shall we make a friendly wager on the game Sunday?😀 and I’m like…what are you thinking…and he says…Dinner and a movie…seriously you decide. And I’m like…I don’t make good decisions at 2:00 in the morning…and I will get back to you later…

This began a new chapter in my life. We started chatting…first through Facebook messenger…then we exchanged phone numbers and texted and then finally we started talking on the phone. He would message and check in on me…if I posted about a sick kid he would ask about them, he wanted to know what was happening in my life and cared about the little things…things he didn’t have to care about. I started getting Good Morning texts and looking forward to our conversations at night after a long day of work…and getting to chat little bits throughout the day as we shared something funny or meaningful. I got flowers for Valentine’s Day…not expected just sent and it was as if a part of my heart was changing…I sent him BBQ on his birthday and we started thinking maybe this reconnection was something bigger than either of us expected. We have named our relationship Whatever This Is…because we weren’t looking for each other…two old friends who went to Bible College together and played way too much ROOK. I can’t be falling for him…this is impossible…why us, why now?

Fast forward to just past the one year mark…we have seen each other in person, we visit each other as often as we can…we talk multiple times daily and the running total for hours spent on the phone is around 35-50 per month. We text back and forth and carry on conversations on 4 different social media platforms. We know each other so well we can tell if the other is having a struggle based on tone of voice, memes sent or just general attitudes. It’s good, it’s healthy, it’s right…we help each other…we support each other. We pray for each other, we encourage each other to grow in our personal and spiritual lives. There is a sense that we are a team…just separated by distance but we have each other’s back. We are friends first and the romance has blossomed and grown. The love we have for each other is so much sweeter than we ever could have expected because of the challenges and struggles we have each faced as we journeyed to this period of time.

So at the 1 year, 1 Month 1 day mark he asked me if I would be willing to jump into the mix with him, to face the struggles that a large blended family brings…he has kids, I have kids…and see what the future holds. He loves me, I love him…so I said YES! Yes, lets take WHATEVER THIS IS…to the next level and see what else God has in store for us.

Old and New

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2023 is here…January

New Years is always a time of reflection for me. A look back at the last year and a checklist of sorts…did I do a good job, am I moving forward, what positives do I want to take with me into the next year, what things do I want to change. Last year I felt like my checklist was a list of the Good, the Bad and the Ugly. 2020 was a very hard year and 2021 was a year of radical life changes, 2022 was a year of unexpected and good things…so what will 2023 hold for me, for my kids and for our future?

2022 was a year where I started to like myself again. I feel like I had gotten lost through the journey of having a very difficult marriage and kids of multiple ages and stages. I wanted to be so good and appreciated that I contorted and twisted myself into something that I am not so that I could potentially make people happy and like me. And it didn’t work…there was always something more I needed to do or be and I could never, ever meet the expectation of that person because I wasn’t being myself I was being a shadow or a cutout of the person I am and should be. I have discovered that when I let myself be who God intended me to be and I don’t try to fit the unrealistic molds of others I have Freedom. Freedom to be me, freedom to show love, freedom to be loud, freedom to share and nurture in the process to grow and change and mature. I still feel the weight of expectation and push myself to be the best but instead of feeling like I am drowning from the weight of it all I am using it as a buoy or motor to push myself ahead.

2022 was a year of doing things for ME…I’ve been a Mom for 22 years and in that time I have rarely made time for ME. I put my kids and their needs ahead of mine so often and I feel guilty when I do things that are good for me first. I’m learning that I can’t pour and fill up others if my cup is empty. So I am learning and doing things that are good for ME. Taking time off from Motherhood and just being me again. I traveled this year…left the country and recharged my batteries. I’ve hired friends to watch my kids so I can take weekends off and go places, and I am stepping up more and demanding that the person I co-parent with to step up and do more so that I can recharge and relax and not have to be “on” all the time. I’m tired of living a small life and I want to do things and go places and have more experiences. I want less stuff and want to be present and experience things and have fun.

2022 was a year of unexpected and yet amazing re-connection. God has brought someone back into my life. A person that I didn’t see coming…was not on my radar at all. But this re-connection has become one of the most important and favorite parts of my life. I think it’s funny that when you give up control of a situation and stop looking or thinking about something God has a way of saying…okay, now you are ready…I’m going to do something good for you…but it’s not going to be what you think it’s going to be, it’s going to come with a whole lot of issues and logistics but I got you child…I’m doing something for your Good…you just have to Trust me.

So 2023…here we are…with 365 days to fill and experience and use to help me grow, mature and change. I’m excited to see what God will do in my life and the life of my kids. The big kids have big things looming on the horizon and as a Mom I am both excited for them and a little bit scared. My younger boys are continuing to challenge me to be the best Mom I can be and I am trying to fill their lives with new and good things. There will be struggles…we have Autism and Diabetes and some hurdles that will need to be considered and jumped over. There may be big changes…I don’t know yet. But I am confident that God is in Control and if I am trusting and seeking His will for me that I will see what unfolds in the coming year. So here’s to a New Year…lets see what will happen.