New Relationship

Flipping the Script

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

One thing people do not prepare you for when you leave a toxic or stressful relationship is how sometimes your former partner triggers you and you are thrust back into the emotions and feelings you used to live under for years and periods of time. I’ve been triggered and it has caused a rush of unwanted feelings, emotions and struggles. 

My ex husband and I have had to be talking more recently. We are finishing up the very long process of separating all the things that weren’t an issue or a problem when I lived nearby and he saw the boys more frequently. Things like Sam’s Club memberships, Amazon Prime linked accounts and phone plans. I’m merging my life more and more with my new husband and we are figuring out our life and so the final things are happening( things I have wanted to do for years but never pushed to keep the peace). In this process my ex has reminded me of reasons why we are no longer together as a couple. He has been triggering and said things that don’t need to be discussed and has treated me in a negative way. It has in some ways thrown me backward into the negative feelings and thought patterns that I lived under for a long time. It’s not my favorite head space to be in and I’m struggling. 

I’m very thankful for the Man who God has brought into my life. The Man that tells me that he is thankful for me. The man that appreciates the little things I do as his wife. The man who has been stepping up and doing extra things for me that make me feel loved and appreciated. The man who holds me and comforts me when I feel low or small. The man that shows me in the little ways that he loves me and he is encouraging me to be gentle with myself. The man who respects me and understands my boundaries. It’s nice and weird all at the same time. When you aren’t used to being treated in this manner you wonder when the other shoe is going to drop…it feels to good to be true…it feels like you are waiting for the mask to fall off and the man underneath to be revealed…but there isn’t a mask, he’s genuinely a good guy and there is no catch to him wanting to help you. And then there is a sadness that comes with it…like why didn’t I get this all the time…why didn’t we connect a long time ago and save both of us so much heartache and grief…but I can’t answer these questions….I just have to trust that God is bigger, wiser and more aware of the greater plan. I’m thankful that I have it now. I can also take time and figure out the best ways to move forward in a way that is healthy and good for me. All in all I’m definitely moving forward even if sometime I feel like I’m taking a few too many steps backward. 

Thoughts on a New Year

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

The New Year is a good time to reflect, think and ponder about all the things that have happened the previous year and all the things you may want to happen differently in the coming year.

To be honest 2023 was a good year for me full of lots of good and big things. I got engaged, eloped, and moved across the country! We started the process of blending 2 families…which has been a whole different experience. I was able to really relax and not worry about working but focus mainly on being a mom. I have discovered that I enjoy cooking so much more when there is someone who truly enjoys the effort and care you put into the food you make. Having someone be appreciative of the little ways you help and who tells and shows you and equally helps with the process of making a home and family experience is amazing. 

There have been some challenges and adjustments that I am still getting used. I’m very comfortable with my own children. We have routines and structures that work for us…and blending into a new family has been challenging. My bonus kids also are not here as much as my kids are with us so the dynamic with 4 or 5 is a lot easier than with 7 or 8…depending on which adult children are around…if we are all here together than its 9 people…and that’s a large number of personalities, appetites and opinions. There is the issue of having enough space so that when people need a break or some quiet time there are options…thankfully we live in a large house with good spaces but at times it can be quite overwhelming. There also is defining my role as “bonus” Mom…my bonus kiddos have a Mom and live with her and trying to not jump immediately into Mom mode for the situations that primarily involve them is challenging. Also trying to figure out where appropriate boundaries are and when I need to help my husband parent and when I need to take a step back and let him do what he needs to is a new dynamic as well.

My boys have adjusted to our move but my third son really struggled with the whole process. He had a harder time adjusting to middle school than I expected and then the difficulty of being the new kid caused him to have his anxiety really spiral out of control. His diabetes can become an issue when he’s stressed and we have had a lot of vomiting issues and stomach troubles. Thankfully he is in an upswing and through good care from our Doctors he is doing better with his diabetic control and he is on a medicine which helps with his anxiety and I’m seeing more and more of my normal kiddo and not the angry kid I first saw a lot of after our move. The youngest is doing well as long as the routine is pretty set and standard…autism is challenging and his behaviors at school can be a struggle but we are continually working to try and help him thrive. 

So looking ahead…what does 2024 look like for us? Only God actually knows but I have some things that I want to work on and see happen in the the upcoming year.

I want to choose the adventures…go places, see things and experience things. My life for a long time was very small and I didn’t go places but I’m looking forward to getting to know a new city where we live and the beautiful parks and scenery around the part of the country where we live. I’m not going to let us be content with just being boring.

I want to choose love…to be present with my kids, to be the wife that my husband needs, to paint our home in love and grace…to have my kids feel comfortable and know that they are welcome no matter what! This goes for all the kiddos…not just mine but our whole big Bonus nest.

I want to stand up for what I deserve. Too often I find myself being a people pleaser and trying to make everyone else comfortable that in the process so that I’m well liked or accepted. However that only makes me a doormat and I’m not going to allow others to treat me as less or like I’m not worthy of time and attention. 

I want to continue to grow…I have been on a growth journey the last few years and I am not content to start to be stagnate or to limit my growth potential. I’m seeking and looking for good ways to make our home a healthy and happy place and to bring the good out of everyone so that we are growing and developing together.