I’m currently sitting on my couch in my living room contemplating life.

I brought up the boxes of Christmas decorations this morning…they are still sitting by the front door.

I brought up the Christmas tree too…it’s still in its bag sitting by the stairs.

The 5 year old is eyeing my vacuum cleaner and freaking out because he doesn’t like it.

The 19 year old has left for an extra shift of mandatory overtime and he’s angry that he has to go tonight.

The 10 year old is hanging out in his room and has had blood sugars all over the place today.

The college kid went back to college this morning and has so much on their plate even I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed by it all.

Life is Hard…Single Parenting this brood is Hard.

Autism, diabetes, young adult guiding all take a lot out of a person on a one on one basis and I’m dealing with it all.

I want to decorate and get ready for Christmas…I want to find Joy and Hope and Peace and see the Christ child for who He is and be grateful for the gift of Jesus…but tonight…tonight it’s hard…hard to get off the couch.

It’s hard to see past the little for the bigger picture…it’s hard to know how to guide my young adults to be the people they need to be. It’s hard to deal with the craziness that is autism and the hundreds of little decisions that have to be made daily to deal with diabetes.

It’s hard knowing that I go back to work tomorrow and I will need to pour into the 8 little people in my class love and kindness and fun…it’s time well spent but it’s Hard.

However I’m thankful for the Hard.

I’m thankful that I have been gifted these 4 people to guide and love and help to grow…they all deal with their individual stuff and I am part of it…I’m a sounding board for my oldest, I’m a hug and a meal for the 19 year old, I help keep the 10 year old alive and I get the best hugs from the 5 year old.

I’m blessed to have worked at a school for 10 years where I am seen as someone who has good ideas who treats children well and is equipped to lead a classroom through the challenges of the toddler years.

I have more than I need and I am grateful for a roof over my head, a good job and resources to get my boys the therapies and tools to make their lives better and richer.

In so many ways I’m a blessed lady…so I am thankful for the Hard. I’m thankful for the strength and forgiveness of Christ and I’m being made perfect as I give my children back to Him and trust that He will guide and help them.

Parenting is the hardest job in the entire world.

It’s exhausting, it’s challenging, its non stop.

There are not many breaks, there are moments where you aren’t focused 100% but always in the back of your mind there are your kids.

You are 100% in the trenches, in the midst of it and then one day you look up and realize.

They are 5 years old this week.

You blinked and they are turning 5.

They are in 5th grade this week…didn’t they just start kindergarten?

You blinked and they are in 5th grade.

They are getting ready to start a career job…

You blinked and they are 18 and starting in the workforce.

They started their 4th year of college.

You blinked and they are 21 and living independently half a state away.

I’m feeling overwhelmed by the ages and stages, the balance of figuring out the ins and outs but I know I will blink and it will have changed again.

Tonight I’m sad.

I’m sad because I don’t have everything together and I forget things.  I remembered tonight that there is a slideshow for graduation.  I hadn’t looked at the Senior packet since March and opened it tonight and realized that I had missed the deadline.  Big ol heaping pile of Mom guilt…I failed and forgot and missed something big.  It’s a little thing but it’s important.  In a panic I quickly emailed the person in charge of the slideshow and asked if there is anyway that I could still get my kid in the slideshow.  And thankfully the person in charge is gracious to mom’s like me who forgot and as long as I have it by tomorrow it should be okay.  Whew…I feel better but I’m still sad that I forgot.

I’m sad tonight because I had to explain to a little brother what going to college means.  The first grader had no idea that college is someplace where you live when you go to school.  That you don’t come home all the time and you don’t see the person who is going as much…and he started to cry and got real quiet and  blue because the Firstborn is his champion, his buddy and it’s going to be a big adjustment.  Watching him be sad made me sad and the waterworks have started again.

I’m sad because expectations for the end of Senior year and the reality of what has happened have not aligned.  The Firstborn has had fun and is enjoying the final days of High School with all the chaos, fun, excitement and dread…but it’s not what I thought would go down.  I had different expectations years ago and those expectations have not been met in the manner that I would like or want so I’m sad.  I’m sad for the moments that I haven’t had but I’m happy for the moments that were granted.  It’s such a balancing act and more often then not I feel like the man on the tightrope barely holding on before falling.

I’m sad.  Being sad is not wrong or misguided, it’s an emotion where you can process the good, the bad, the hard, the challenging and then you can temper your other emotions and walk through the challenges.

I’m sad.

Do you like to travel?  I do.

Do you like long car rides that go on forever as you eagerly anticipate the destination…me not so much.  So when I travel I count down the miles to different places and track the mileage signs.  I also do this because I usually need a bathroom break and who ever is driving will say we will stop when we get to such and such destination.

I’m traveling a different road currently.  In mothering we are approaching a pretty significant milestone and I’m not sure that I’m ready for it.  Graduation is approaching.

The Firstborn is graduating in May.  It’s a huge Milestone and I’m super proud of all of the activities, accomplishments and fun that have been packed into the last 4 years of High School, but I’m also feeling overwhelmed and sad.  My baby is gearing up to leave the nest.  College is looming on the horizon and while that is exciting and the next thing that should happen in the education cycle but I’m also sad.  I’m sad because it means that the family dynamic will change and have to adapt.

We got the graduation packet this week.  It tells us all the information that parents need to know about graduation, the timelines of everything and the expectations.  I’m glad they are on top of everything but I’m not ready for it yet.  This milestone is coming to rapidly and I just want time to slow down.

So if you see me and I’m feeling weepy it’s probably this…trying to soak in as much time as possible before this milestone is upon us.  Trying to enjoy all the eye rolls, stressful moments and everything that goes with parenting an almost adult as I also start thinking about letting her go into the scary next steps. It’s a whole lot of praying and asking God for help and trusting that He is able to take better care of her then I ever could.

Life is an adventure for sure and I’m trying to focus, to enjoy and sometimes to hold on for dear life!

Motherhood is like being a ringmaster and life is like a circus.

Motherhood is full of stress and fun all at the same time.

Motherhood is feeling like a failure one minute then thinking “man I got this”…just a few seconds later.

Motherhood is the hardest job a woman can do.

Motherhood is a juggling act and the mental load of juggling so much can leave you feeling spent.

Motherhood is feeling crazy, frantic and that the day should be over and when you look at the clock it’s only 8:15 in the morning.

Motherhood is watching your child perform or do something amazing and feeling so proud you think that your heart is going to pop out of your chest.

Motherhood is sitting and praying and thinking as you watch your child struggle to learn something or deal with and you can’t fix it.

Motherhood is wishing it would all end and dreading when it’s time for them to fly off and leave the nest.

Motherhood is second guessing everything as you watch them prepare for college and praying that you instilled enough good in them to counteract everything around them.

Motherhood is never ending…because who do you call when you don’t know how to do something…Mom of course!

Motherhood is wishing for 24 hours of silence and then worrying when it’s too quiet…

Motherhood is a journey and I’m glad that I get to do it…even when I don’t always like it.

Discouragement is something that I am thinking a lot about.

I’ve been rather discouraged lately…things that I want to accomplish or goals I have for myself are not as easy to make happen when you have kids.  If it was just me and the hubby or just us and the big kids these goals would be easier.  But we have 2 littler ones and that means distractions, needs and sickness.

SICKNESS…has hit the toddler with a vengeance!  He has been on antibiotics more in the last year than all of the other kids put together.  He has been battling ear infections, throat infections, eye infections, and has had one bout of the stomach bug.  We had tubes put in his ears in December and they are working but he still is getting ear infections.  Also when this kid gets sick he gets sick…full on high fever and his neediness just goes through the roof.  This week has been another week of sickness and another round of antibiotics for him. And he’s not kicking this as quickly as I want him to.  I want him to be well and he’s not, and I’m frustrated and discouraged.

It’s so discouraging to be walking through this with him.  I know its partially because he goes to preschool and is around lots of germs.  I also know that once he gets past this phase of life he probably will be super healthy because his immune system will be exposed to lots of stuff but as your walking through the midst of the sickness or illness you feel discouraged.  The toddler gets super clingy when he doesn’t feel good, he becomes needy and grouchy and its honestly exhausting.  When I finally get him to bed the last thing I want to do is exercise or clean.  I just want to collapse and either play on my phone, read a book, or just sleep!’

However, this is just a phase…this too will pass…I know this.  I’ve been down this road before with my big kids.  The toddler years will become the preschool years, the elementary years will become the middle school years and the high school years will become the college years….Instead of being discouraged I need to be encouraged that I have hope…it’s not a serious debilitating condition that we are dealing with. We are dealing with typical childhood ailments.  For the most part my kids are healthy.  In comparison with a lot of kids we are super healthy.  But as your walking the path you tend to lose focus on the here and now as it looms so far ahead and you seem to be making so little progress.

But you don’t stay there…you stop, you change your focus, and you continue…

Step One:  Modify the Standard

I  have to lower my expectations of myself when illness is occurring.  I need to show myself some grace and not beat myself up for having unrealistic goals when you are needed to cuddle and snuggle and love.  They are only babies for a short time and only really want to cuddle for a few years.  On the flip side I also have to not be content to use the kids as a crutch and not do what I need to do because I am tired or frustrated or just done…it’s about finding balance.

Step Two: Find Glimmers of HOPE

When you deal with discouragement sometimes you have to find the glimmers of encouragement along the way as well.  Today I have been encouraged with simple things that I need to embrace rather than dismiss.  My husband who works a lot of long hours let me stay in bed for almost 2 extra hours this morning so I could try and sleep some more.  He turned on Moana and he and the toddler snuggled on the couch. The older children took a shift and played and watched the toddler so I could just go and veg out for awhile.  I was able to lay down and relax for around an hour and let me tell you it was needed.

Step Three:  Celebrate a Success!

Hooray! the 6 year old is getting on board with my daily cleaning routines he’s picking up his stuff with less complaints and fussing…so I guess I’m winning!  We’re learning together to do stuff with a purpose and intention rather than waiting to deal with stuff later.  It may not be what you want to do but it does help with things in the long run.

So how about you?  Are you dealing with discouragement? What encouraging thing have you had today?