Motherhood

Big Changes

~ elj377 ~ 1 Comment

My oldest child moved out when it was time for college. 

My second oldest child will move out tonight.

My third child was 7 years old when the oldest moved out…he’s now 12

My youngest child is currently 7 when his sibling moves.

Life is surreal…full of change and ups and downs. I’m excited for the opportunities and the future that both of my oldest kids have before them but at the same time I’m feeling nervous. My oldest is working in NYC and the second born will be moving in with the first born…and its good and exciting and needed but I’m also feeling overwhelmed by it all.

If I’m honest I don’t know what life will look like around here with out my second born being my emergency back up guy. Throughout my divorce and all the changes that occurred he was the biggest help and saved my butt so many times with little things that could easily have fallen through the cracks. And now he is moving…and I’m feeling all the feels. He is also a huge rock and fixed point in both of the little boys lives and I’m not sure how the adjustment period is going to go with them. There are a lot of what if’s right now.

I’m a ball of mixed emotions. I’m sad that he is going, I’m excited for the opportunities, I’m hopeful for the future, I’m nervous about the siblings living together, I’m relieved that the oldest 2 will have family near them. Mostly I’m proud. Proud of them for pursuing their dreams and making things happen.

So I may have a few trips to the Big Apple in my future…this Mama will need all the hugs and love from her babies!

5 Years

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Five years ago today I was trying desperately to figure out what was wrong with my third kid. He was lethargic, he had lost 10 pounds really rapidly and he didn’t have 10 pounds to spare, he was just off. There was something wrong but nothing that I could put my finger on. I was just worried and not sure what the the next step to take should be. I sent him to school that Wednesday and around the end of the day I got a call from the school nurse…and she wanted to let me know that he had been in her office, taken a nap and was just not feeling well. He didn’t have a fever or any major symptoms but he was saying that his throat hurt and his tummy was bothering him and she wanted to give me a heads up! Finally I had an idea of what it could be…STREP! I made arrangements with my boss, got off work a little bit early and made an appointment at the local minute clinic as I was after normal business hours for our family doctor! We were going to get a diagnosis and he would start feeling better…little did I know we would get a diagnosis…just not of strep…something else, something bigger. 

The minute clinic nurse practitioner saved my son’s life that night…she went over his symptoms, listened to my concerns and point blank told me that she didn’t think it was strep or a virus…it’s more serious than that…she did the strep test…it was negative, she looked him over and then got out a Blood Glucose Meter and did a simple finger stick…which then read HIGH. I made her do a finger stick on me…I was at 92…normal range…and then she did it again…and it was again HIGH. She told me…he has to go to the Children’s Hospital tonight…its extremely serious and he needs immediate care. I called my best friend who is a nurse and asked for her advice and recommendation for which hospital we should go to and she agreed that he needed immediate care and said we should go to the downtown hospital. 

We discovered that he does in fact have Type 1 Diabetes. His blood sugar at admittance was 530 and he had ketones of 5.9…full blown DKA diabetic ketoacidosis. We were admitted and spent 2 nights in the hospital learning about diabetes. After you are released the real learning begins and you are taught how to do everything…carb count, give insulin, check blood sugar, check ketones, all the ins and outs…it’s so much information that they don’t teach it all at once…we had a second class about 2 weeks later where we learned more. We have since gotten a CGM(continuous glucose monitor), pump and learned the best ways to track his symptoms, carbs and stuff.

So today we are celebrating his Diaversary…this is a term in the diabetes community where you celebrate another year of kicking diabetes butt and staying alive! Since it’s his 5 year diaversary we are having cake and being thankful for my son and another year of life…it’s not his birthday but it’s an important milestone to celebrate! Thankful for all the ups and downs, all the learning that has happened and for the gift of life!

Thoughts on a New Year

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The New Year is a good time to reflect, think and ponder about all the things that have happened the previous year and all the things you may want to happen differently in the coming year.

To be honest 2023 was a good year for me full of lots of good and big things. I got engaged, eloped, and moved across the country! We started the process of blending 2 families…which has been a whole different experience. I was able to really relax and not worry about working but focus mainly on being a mom. I have discovered that I enjoy cooking so much more when there is someone who truly enjoys the effort and care you put into the food you make. Having someone be appreciative of the little ways you help and who tells and shows you and equally helps with the process of making a home and family experience is amazing. 

There have been some challenges and adjustments that I am still getting used. I’m very comfortable with my own children. We have routines and structures that work for us…and blending into a new family has been challenging. My bonus kids also are not here as much as my kids are with us so the dynamic with 4 or 5 is a lot easier than with 7 or 8…depending on which adult children are around…if we are all here together than its 9 people…and that’s a large number of personalities, appetites and opinions. There is the issue of having enough space so that when people need a break or some quiet time there are options…thankfully we live in a large house with good spaces but at times it can be quite overwhelming. There also is defining my role as “bonus” Mom…my bonus kiddos have a Mom and live with her and trying to not jump immediately into Mom mode for the situations that primarily involve them is challenging. Also trying to figure out where appropriate boundaries are and when I need to help my husband parent and when I need to take a step back and let him do what he needs to is a new dynamic as well.

My boys have adjusted to our move but my third son really struggled with the whole process. He had a harder time adjusting to middle school than I expected and then the difficulty of being the new kid caused him to have his anxiety really spiral out of control. His diabetes can become an issue when he’s stressed and we have had a lot of vomiting issues and stomach troubles. Thankfully he is in an upswing and through good care from our Doctors he is doing better with his diabetic control and he is on a medicine which helps with his anxiety and I’m seeing more and more of my normal kiddo and not the angry kid I first saw a lot of after our move. The youngest is doing well as long as the routine is pretty set and standard…autism is challenging and his behaviors at school can be a struggle but we are continually working to try and help him thrive. 

So looking ahead…what does 2024 look like for us? Only God actually knows but I have some things that I want to work on and see happen in the the upcoming year.

I want to choose the adventures…go places, see things and experience things. My life for a long time was very small and I didn’t go places but I’m looking forward to getting to know a new city where we live and the beautiful parks and scenery around the part of the country where we live. I’m not going to let us be content with just being boring.

I want to choose love…to be present with my kids, to be the wife that my husband needs, to paint our home in love and grace…to have my kids feel comfortable and know that they are welcome no matter what! This goes for all the kiddos…not just mine but our whole big Bonus nest.

I want to stand up for what I deserve. Too often I find myself being a people pleaser and trying to make everyone else comfortable that in the process so that I’m well liked or accepted. However that only makes me a doormat and I’m not going to allow others to treat me as less or like I’m not worthy of time and attention. 

I want to continue to grow…I have been on a growth journey the last few years and I am not content to start to be stagnate or to limit my growth potential. I’m seeking and looking for good ways to make our home a healthy and happy place and to bring the good out of everyone so that we are growing and developing together.

Why Do I Doubt

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Today I am struggling and overwhelmed by areas of my life.

My son’s car won’t start…probably a dead battery…I’m not sure how to go about fixing it. My son took my car to work and it won’t be a problem to share for a couple days but it’s still an added stress.

I hired an extermination company to take care of some issues I am having around my house…and I forgot to tell my son about it and so he was surprised by the situation.

I’m feeling embarassed because I let things slide during the school year and as much as I would love to be on top of everything all the time I am not capable as a single woman, a busy mom and a full time worker to accomplish everything.

I have room prep at my job today to get ready for the summer session and I have to rearrange, reorganize and get a brand new space ready and I am not content to do the bare minimum so I go in full gusto. May have bitten off more than I can easily chew but I will get it done…I always do.

As my son was leaving tonight he was visibly frustrated…so I followed him and tried to figure out what was going on and how I could repair what feels like a big rift in our relationship…learning a new dynamic with an adult child is harder than I expected. During our few minute conversation he looks at me with tears in his eyes and says…”MOM…why do you doubt? Why do you think you are not doing enough, or that I don’t recognize what is happening and know that you are doing your best?”

Wow…David and Goliath type moment right there…hits hard right between the eyes…
“WHY DO I DOUBT”

…that I am good enough

…that I am Worthy of love

…that I am making a difference

…that I have Value…without doing something

…that my ideas are good and helpful

…that I am creative and capable

…that I am an amazing person to love and know.

One thing you don’t realize as you come out of a TOXIC relationship…is that your inner voice has been rewritten for a long time…when the person who is supposed to love you the most is also your biggest critic and makes you feel small you start to believe it. You hear what they have to say over what you know to be the TRUTH…when they paint a picture that is counter to the reality of the situation you have to swim so hard to break free of the emotional riptide that catches you. You over compensate in hopes that you can somehow rectify the situation and that it will be okay…you find yourself looking to fill all the conditions so that hopefully you will be fully loved.

Music has found its way back into my life…I stopped listening to music for years because my former spouse and I didn’t agree on types of music to listen to and he didn’t and doesn’t like what I like and its just easier to not listen then to argue. I’m listening to music…all types. I listen to secular, Christian, gospel, country…if I find a song I like I’m listening to it…and it’s a balm to my soul. Music has a way of bringing feelings and emotions out in a way that few things do and I’m enjoying the healing that can be found in music.

Right now a song by Casting Crowns has really hit hard…and I’ve listened to it on repeat most of the day…I think God knew I needed this song today. It’s Called Just Be Held

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
(Stop holding on and just be held)
Just be held, just be held
Just be held, just be held

I’m giving my doubt to God…I’m looking for His presence in this storm…I’m remembering I’m so much bigger than situations and my kids…my kids know that I love them and that I will do whatever I can to help them learn and grow. I’m not defined by my mistakes and I can conquer and grow and not be made smaller than I truly am. I’m grateful for that statement tonight…”WHY DO YOU DOUBT?” because it makes me think and trust.

Being Enough

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I am an achiever…I like to be seen as being good at something or to excel at things. I like to be busy, I like to accomplish things, I like the feeling of satisfaction that comes with a job well done. I also like PRAISE…my 2 ways people can show me love is by words of affirmation and acts of service. These are about 50/50…I like to do things and accomplish things but when I am overwhelmed or busy I like when people step in and help me and I like it when I do something that people tell me I have done a good job. When people appreciate my efforts and tell me it makes me feel loved, wanted and worthy.

I was married to someone who didn’t fully understand or care about my love language. He thought he did…but he truly didn’t. Toward the end of my marriage I was met with the following phrase…multiple times a day and week…”thank you, love you, appreciate you.” The same phrase over and over…with very little emotion, no specifics and no real feeling put into it. Just the phrase..over and over, as if to say “here…this should make everything okay.” It was said so often and so generally that by the end of my marriage it became a bone of contention for me…salt in the wound or lemon juice in a paper cut. Thank you for what…making dinner, taking care of the kids, helping you with a project, cleaning the bathroom…what are you grateful that I did for you…if he had just said..thanks for the delicious dinner or for the effort you put into this project I would have felt much more loved and appreciated. Appreciation needs specificity…what are you being appreciated for? It’s nice to say you appreciate something but specifics go a long way in helping the situation.

I internalized this phrase of his…and started to judge my worth and value based on his reactions. He made me small in so many ways and I believed him. I believed that his little breadcrumbs and occasional acts of service were all that I deserved. All that I was good enough for…and that’s a LIE…I am worth so much more than that.

I am the Mother of 4 children…ages 21, 19, 11, and 5….large gap parenting is extra challenging. You have adult sized problems and loose teeth at the same time. I have paid for college tuition and a box of diapers in the same week…this is not typical mothering it’s hard core/ never stop mothering. From the time my oldest was born to the day my youngest will be done with High School I will have been mothering non stop for 34 years…I’m not the only mother who has had this situation but in this modern age it is very atypical…and I am a good mother. I am enough at being my kids mom.

I have children with Special Needs and Medical issues…my 11 year old has Type 1 Diabetes and my youngest has Autism. They struggle with things that I can’t control in the way I would like. There are days when I struggle with getting out of bed because of issues in the middle of the night…there are pump changes, sensor changes, making sure that we have enough supplies and insulin. There is vomiting, struggles with Highs and Lows and always having to be on alert for an emergency situation. There are temper tantrums and being overwhelmed and screaming and struggling with emotional control. There are days when I want to run away and hide and just want someone to step into the situation and help me take control. There are days when I take pictures and shake my head so I can remember down the road just how far we have come on our journey but it is exhausting and yet…I am enough…I can learn and grow and meet these challenges.

I am Single…I sleep alone…I control my bills and finances…I juggle my schedule and yet I am ENOUGH…I can accomplish these things and while I may not know how to do everything that I would like to by myself I have resources and ability to find people to help make my life easier.

I am ENOUGH… I am capable, strong, gifted, talented and so much bigger than the box that I was trying so desperately to fit inside…I’m loud, energetic and enthusiastic. I’m loved and adored by my children and the children in my classroom. I have people in my life who want to be with me…who pray for me and my kids and love us…not because we do things for them but because we are people who are worthy of being seen and known.

I am ENOUGH…I have a big God on my side who knows my innermost parts and sees me for who I am.

I am ENOUGH…no matter if I am married or single…I’m a capable woman who is so much more than I thought I was.

I am ENOUGH…and that is Enough for me…and I’m grateful that I see that now.

Messiness

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Messy…this word is running through my brain this weekend. It’s been week of struggles.

Autism is full of big feelings, rampant emotions, and the inability to regulate yourself. My youngest is struggling in his autism lately. He’s probably learning and growing and getting ready to move to a new level of ability and when he is getting close to mastering something we often have a period of regression. We are in a full on regression period right now.

There is screaming, there is mess making of an epic level…he dumped an entire container of pancake mix on my dark sofa yesterday and on my birthday there was a bathtub mess of epic proportions that made me want to run away and hide. There are big feelings that make you exhausted and then the need for Mom to make it better so there are snuggles and struggles as he works through whatever this is. There are also struggles with sleep and he has been crawling in bed with me frequently and honestly I am not my best in the middle of the night so there are struggles with me being exhausted from lack of sleep and him struggling to stay asleep.

It’s also a week where I am struggling with being a single mom. As the lone parent for my boys I am dealing with the struggles that come with raising my boys. I am the person who calms them down, who loves them through and who is present for these moments of absolute epic chaos and emotion. The messiness makes me feel like a failure.

FAILURE is my big feeling…my messy space. I don’t like it, I don’t want it in my life and I see it as a monumental indication that I am not GOOD ENOUGH…that I am somehow defined solely by those things that I struggle and fight and don’t accomplish. I often feel like if I don’t do enough, if I don’t accomplish enough, if I don’t present myself as anything but perfect than people perceive me as a FAILURE.

I’m still trying to figure out where this has come from and why it is so deep rooted inside me. I was not brought up where I had to be perfect. I was a typical teenager with a messy room, lots of successes and failures and I was allowed to make mistakes…but I am also a pastor’s kid. Pastors are not perfect and neither are their families but somehow we tend to look on people who are in spiritual leadership as being “more godly” or “more perfect” than the average person and hold them to a standard that is not either healthy or desired. And while it’s not directly said there is a feeling of being held to a standard above the average standard that an average family at church would have to present or attain. Pastor’s should not be viewed as sinning or having sin in their homes…and yet we are Sinners who live in a fallen world just like everybody else…so I think that we need to realize that yes Pastor’s and their families are in places of leadership and view but that doesn’t mean that we need to expect more of them or have them be so much better than everyone else. You never know what passing comment or opinion will do to a developing psyche and what they will latch on too.

We also as parts of the Christian community hold the standards of the Proverbs 31 women in such high regard that we then place on Christian women this notion that if we are not doing everything that is described in that passage of the Bible to an epic level of perfection then we are not being a good Christian wife or Mom. This is not the point of that passage nor should it be. It’s been blown out of proportion and made to be something it shouldn’t be by too many people and I think it can do more harm than good sometimes. We also give men in the church a pass. Go into any Christian bookstore or do an Amazon search for Marriage books for Christian women and Marriage books for Christian men…women are the target audience and we are told that we have to strive harder and meet these goals in order for our marriages and lives to be successful and if we don’t than basically we are disappointing God. And we can easily translate that to failure.

One thing I am learning through the last few years is that there are people who can see past the messiness…and they are amazed at all the things that you are accomplishing and doing. Messiness is a smoke screen as it were…a crutch to keep people out and a way to hide from the bigger things and deeper issues. We were designed to be perfect…and yet we were given Free Will and man chose the messy. The messy keeps us from so many things…it scares us or makes us hide. I’m choosing to reveal my messiness…and the lessons and learning that I am gaining by peeling away these ideas and thoughts that trap me behind a wall of perceived perfection that makes me think that life could be easy. We don’t want to show our messes…we don’t want people to think less of us but in that messiness we are real and we show people that they are not the only ones who feel things deeply or struggle with things. God designed us for community and wants us to build relationships…first with Him and then with others. We are not designed to carry the burden alone but to help bear one another’s burdens as we walk along the path set before us.

So welcome to my messiness…I promise I’m working on cleaning stuff up but there is always a new mess or issue that I will be dealing with or trying to change. I’m human…I’m real…I’m messy.

Sweetness in the Sour

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I’m sitting at the kitchen table looking out over the backyard. My younger two boys are playing with a neighborhood friend on our backyard trampoline. They are jumping, wrestling and using boxes to create a fort of some type. It’s a warm afternoon and I’m watching my kids be kids.

It’s a good reminder that there is sweetness in the everyday moments of my life.

Sunday’s are hard lately. I need the spiritual encouragement and to feed my soul. I enjoy going to church. I love to worship, since my divorce worship hits me in a whole different way than it did before I walked this deep valley of struggle. God has shown up in my broken places. He has shined a light and illuminated areas of my soul where I need to work, where I need Him to heal, where I feel things so very deeply. But autism strikes on Sunday’s. My youngest has been struggling on Sunday and I miss out on the parts of church that are sometimes needed the most. I’m very grateful for technology and that services are now on online as I can go back and fill in the places that I missed. There is a lot of Big feelings and when he’s in full meltdown mode it feels like its all too much. But people love me and they love my kids and they encourage and smile and invite us in. They find ways to encourage, to bring Hope to dark places and to make me feel like people see the struggle.

Having a child with special needs is hard when you are a parent. It’s even harder when you are the Lone parent. It’s chasing, its running, its screaming, it’s meltdowns, it’s feeling like the weight of the world is on your back and you can’t get up. But it’s also lots of special moments…its hugs, its little boys who fall asleep on you when they just need your presence, it’s special smiles and simple ways that they show you that they appreciate what you do. Its a lot of sour and bitter moments that make you want to run and hide away from the looks and feeling like you are not succeeding because its so hard but there is a sweetness with the sour. The love and appreciation that your child shows in those calm moments and when they truly need you most.

So I look for the sweetness in the sour, the sugar to make the bitter more palatable. The good in those moments when you are drowning and feel like nothing will every be okay ever again. And God finds me…he meets me in my sour places and he reminds me that He is Faithful, He is Good and He is going to make a way even when I can’t see it. He meets me with a text at just the right moment, a reminder that people love me, a hug from a friend, a smile from a stranger or just in those moments when it hurts to breathe and yet you still can…

God is good all the time…All the time God is good…and He meets us where we are…even when we don’t always see it.

Lone

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aka…what I am feeling as I am now the only everyday parent to 2 boys with lots of challenges and needs…

I’m currently sitting in my kitchen on a work day. I don’t usually sit in my kitchen on a work day…I’m supposed to be at work. I was at work…and then I got the text on my phone that my child is sick. I hate those phone calls. So I let my boss know…and today its okay…they can get me out of my room easily and can figure out how to cover everything…that’s not always the case.

I’ve been thinking about the parenting dynamic of my life recently. Yes, I am a single Mom…have been since September 2020..I am the custodial parent…have been since the end of March 2021…but in reality I have been the LONE parent for the majority of my children’s lives…and I have been a parent for 21 years.

What does it mean to be the LONE parent? It means that I am the one who takes care and figures everything out in relation to the children. I am the one who has gone to every doctor’s appointment, every parent teacher conference, every meeting, every activity everything that I can possibly and physically make. Where is the other parent? Well, he comes when it suits him, when he can’t use something else as an excuse, when he’s well rested and not overly tired, or when his not coming and helping makes him look bad. I am fine with excusing things when you have scheduled things at work, when there is a genuine schedule conflict but there are times when you need to be much more available and step in and help.

I hate that I have to figure out everything…

I hate the thought that I can just let him know what’s going on instead of him taking an active interest in things.

I hate that there is always and excuse or reason for him to yet again not step up and help.

I’m tired of being told how HARD his visits are and that 3 hours is just a long time.

I’m tired of him not caring how HARD mothering HIS children is on ME.

These kids are 50% his DNA…he’s their dad. I didn’t make them myself…and they are boys so that is not in my genetic ability…and yet I am their safe place. I am their caregiver, I am the one they want to be around and who they look for when they are struggling and sad.

I hate the assumption that I will do it better because he doesn’t want or need to do more as long as he covers their medical costs(which are significant) and child support.

I hate the fact that he thinks that 3 hours every other weekend is giving me “a break”.

I HATE being the Lone parent…I would much rather Co-Parent…but right now…I don’t have that option.

However being a Lone Parent doesn’t mean that I am ALONE…

I am grateful for encouragement from others as I walk along this journey.

I am thankful for cards and notes from people who want to support me in tangible ways.

I am grateful for people who listen and encourage and give me hugs and tell me that they love me.

I am appreciative of those who step in and meet me where I am.

And I have a BIG GOD on my side who help to bear my burden and brings me encouragement and love. You never know how Strong you are until that is the only thing you have to be.

4 am

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It’s 4 am and I’m awake…

I should be sleeping.

It’s 4 am and I am awake…I’m awake because of the stupid disease that affects my son. Type 1 Diabetes doesn’t have a time table. Alerts wake me up at night and it’s hard to go back to sleep.

It’s 4 am and I’m awake…I’m awake because autism effects sleep and little boys need their Mama’s in the middle of the night and Mom’s wake up and comfort and provide and then you can’t go back to sleep.

It’s 4 am and I’m awake…I’m awake because I can’t turn off my brain…I continue to wrap my mind around so many things…some good, some bad, some needed, some not needed, some wanted, some unsure.

It’s 4 am and I’m awake…I want to sleep…I need to sleep…I’m so tired.

I’m tired from doing everything that I have to do because it’s just me.

I’m tired because I’m divorced and single and I have to shoulder my load and figure out how to fit all the pieces that could be carried by another into my schedule and make it all happen.

I’m tired because I have small children and I work with small children and everyone has needs.

I’m tired because not all of my needs are getting met because there are only so many hours in the day and sometimes you have to push things to the side because there just isn’t time.

I’m tired because I’m wound of up so tight that it’s impossible to relax at times.

I’m tired because I overthink…because in the past if I didn’t and something happened the wrong way I would be scrambling and now I don’t know how to not overthink even when I don’t want to be overthinking…

I’m tired…and It’s 4 am…and I’m awake.

Balancing Act

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Being a full time single mom is challenging.

Being a full time working mom is challenging.

I’m struggling with balancing being my kids mom and doing what’s best for them with my feelings about my job and working.

I have 1 kid with definite Covid symptoms…I have 1 kid with no symptoms…

I have 2 kids home from school today…

Both kids have been tested.

We’re waiting for the results.

I hate waiting.

I’m trying to do the right thing and keep my kids away from other people so we don’t spread this stupid virus around…I’m so tired of this virus.

I’m frustrated because I am a hard worker and I hate having to miss and I know that my absence makes things at work all the more challenging and frustrating for my boss and coworkers.

But if I choose work over my kids I’m not being a responsible parent..and if I choose my kids over my work then I’m being a bad worker…and it’s a wagon wheel of guilt and blame and shifting and struggle…

BUT…

I will stay home and keep my kids away from others

I will work on things for work as much as I am able from a safe distance to protect my students

I will do what needs to be done and try to silence the unseen judgement and critics who I think are watching me..