Healing

Being Enough

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I am an achiever…I like to be seen as being good at something or to excel at things. I like to be busy, I like to accomplish things, I like the feeling of satisfaction that comes with a job well done. I also like PRAISE…my 2 ways people can show me love is by words of affirmation and acts of service. These are about 50/50…I like to do things and accomplish things but when I am overwhelmed or busy I like when people step in and help me and I like it when I do something that people tell me I have done a good job. When people appreciate my efforts and tell me it makes me feel loved, wanted and worthy.

I was married to someone who didn’t fully understand or care about my love language. He thought he did…but he truly didn’t. Toward the end of my marriage I was met with the following phrase…multiple times a day and week…”thank you, love you, appreciate you.” The same phrase over and over…with very little emotion, no specifics and no real feeling put into it. Just the phrase..over and over, as if to say “here…this should make everything okay.” It was said so often and so generally that by the end of my marriage it became a bone of contention for me…salt in the wound or lemon juice in a paper cut. Thank you for what…making dinner, taking care of the kids, helping you with a project, cleaning the bathroom…what are you grateful that I did for you…if he had just said..thanks for the delicious dinner or for the effort you put into this project I would have felt much more loved and appreciated. Appreciation needs specificity…what are you being appreciated for? It’s nice to say you appreciate something but specifics go a long way in helping the situation.

I internalized this phrase of his…and started to judge my worth and value based on his reactions. He made me small in so many ways and I believed him. I believed that his little breadcrumbs and occasional acts of service were all that I deserved. All that I was good enough for…and that’s a LIE…I am worth so much more than that.

I am the Mother of 4 children…ages 21, 19, 11, and 5….large gap parenting is extra challenging. You have adult sized problems and loose teeth at the same time. I have paid for college tuition and a box of diapers in the same week…this is not typical mothering it’s hard core/ never stop mothering. From the time my oldest was born to the day my youngest will be done with High School I will have been mothering non stop for 34 years…I’m not the only mother who has had this situation but in this modern age it is very atypical…and I am a good mother. I am enough at being my kids mom.

I have children with Special Needs and Medical issues…my 11 year old has Type 1 Diabetes and my youngest has Autism. They struggle with things that I can’t control in the way I would like. There are days when I struggle with getting out of bed because of issues in the middle of the night…there are pump changes, sensor changes, making sure that we have enough supplies and insulin. There is vomiting, struggles with Highs and Lows and always having to be on alert for an emergency situation. There are temper tantrums and being overwhelmed and screaming and struggling with emotional control. There are days when I want to run away and hide and just want someone to step into the situation and help me take control. There are days when I take pictures and shake my head so I can remember down the road just how far we have come on our journey but it is exhausting and yet…I am enough…I can learn and grow and meet these challenges.

I am Single…I sleep alone…I control my bills and finances…I juggle my schedule and yet I am ENOUGH…I can accomplish these things and while I may not know how to do everything that I would like to by myself I have resources and ability to find people to help make my life easier.

I am ENOUGH… I am capable, strong, gifted, talented and so much bigger than the box that I was trying so desperately to fit inside…I’m loud, energetic and enthusiastic. I’m loved and adored by my children and the children in my classroom. I have people in my life who want to be with me…who pray for me and my kids and love us…not because we do things for them but because we are people who are worthy of being seen and known.

I am ENOUGH…I have a big God on my side who knows my innermost parts and sees me for who I am.

I am ENOUGH…no matter if I am married or single…I’m a capable woman who is so much more than I thought I was.

I am ENOUGH…and that is Enough for me…and I’m grateful that I see that now.

Slaying the Dragon

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Two years ago this month my life flipped upside down and backwards.

I had been struggling with thoughts and feelings for a long time and the pressure cooker of Covid became too much for me. I was angry, hurt and unhappy. I was drowning in chaos and pressure and trying to be perfect all the time in the hopes that I would be appreciated, seen and respected. I was full of anxiety and felt like everyone was always disappointed in me and that I was never ever good enough. My marriage was struggling…and I couldn’t even put my finger on why…I was trying so hard to be a good wife and mom and nothing I did was ever enough. I needed and wanted CHANGE…and so one day in the middle of an argument I snapped…screamed in the middle of a fight that I could not do it anymore…I want a Divorce. I still don’t know where those words came from…it was not on my mind, not something I wanted or believed in…it was a gut action response that I needed change and the only words that I thought I could use to make my husband finally hear me. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from life and so tired of pushing this giant snowball of emotions, pain, stress and expectations up this never ending mountain covered by boulders. I couldn’t do it anymore and I reacted, just wanted to finally be heard. I let go of the snowball…letting it roll over me and down the mountain…not caring what was going to happen and feeling a giant weight release as I said those dreaded words…I can’t do this anymore…I want a divorce.

Once you say those words…I want a divorce…there is a feeling of what now? There is shock, dismay, and if I am honest a feeling of release…but then huge and monumental fear…like what have I done? You and your spouse have 2 options…fix the problems and make changes or get divorced. I was willing to do option 1…fix the problems..he chose option 2…get divorced. So by the end of March 2021…I was divorced…my ex and I decided on who got what, wrote a parenting plan, worked on dividing stuff up, he moved out in August and paperwork was filed in November with everything completed by the end of March.

I started counseling 10 days after I yelled those dreaded words in May of 2020. I couldn’t believe what I had done…what I had said…I was wanting to fix the problem and was worried that it was all my fault. I let go of the snowball but picked up a backpack…and I filled it full of the boulders and rocks that I had been pushing against…GUILT… for saying I wanted a divorce…SHAME…that I couldn’t be a perfect wife…BLAME..this is all my fault…PAIN…why would I do this…STIGMA…look I’m another statistic…FEAR could I do this on my own…and I started carrying all these things around.

It’s taken almost 2 years for me to unload the backpack. I have worked so hard at trying to figure out who I am and why I do things the way I do. Counseling is compared to peeling an onion…you have to get through all the outer layers to find the reasons and meat of the issues in the center. I did a lot of peeling and trimming to find the root issues to my pain, my struggles and other things in my life. As I have worked on myself I have gained things…I have rediscovered parts of myself that I had pushed to the side, hidden from the world. I am learning to embrace being who I am and not letting others make me be less than who I am. I am content with being who I am and if you don’t like me that is on you and not on me. I have learned that I am okay by myself…I am a capable woman who can do big things. When I let go of the snowball and started making changes I began discovering that issues and struggles became less because deep down I learned what was my fault and what wasn’t my fault. I had put on blinders to so many things and when the blinders come off you learn so much and see so much more.

I viewed my ex- husband as this big smoking dragon…this force to be reckoned with and fear…but I’m learning he’s not as scary as I once thought. I’m my own knight in shining armor and if he can’t handle how amazing and wonderful I am then I don’t need to worry about what he thinks. I allowed his opinion of me to dictate my life for too long and as I get more mentally healthy I’m discovering that I am so much more than he ever appreciated or understood me to be.

I don’t believe that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. He does…so we depend on Him. I’m learning that with my big God on my side I can face anything that I come up against. Is it hard with lots of challenges? Yes…but I also have the confidence in seeing how God has worked in the past and how he will work in my future. Do I know what the future holds? Not yet…God is still revealing that to me but I don’t have to live in fear of my past and act like I am not the strong child of God that I am.

I’m learning to be the healthiest version of me…and you know what…I like her…

The Unexpected

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I never expected my little boys. They were both surprises.

God knew

I never expected to be anything except for “Till Death do us part” and yet here I am divorced.

God knew

I never wanted to be as strong as I have to be…and yet I have strength I never knew I had.

God knew

I never thought I would be starting over in my 40’s feeling like I’m in my 20’s again

God knew

Something new and unexpected has entered my life…and it’s a little surreal…but one thing I do know is

God knew

In many ways this year I am grateful for the unexpected. The unexpected brings fear, joy, terror, happiness and so many other conflicting emotions…and yet there is a feeling of calm and of peace…and I know that God KNOWS…he sees the big picture that I can’t see yet…and I just have to trust. Trust that God knows, he will always know and he will guide and lead.

Triggered

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I’m in full on recovery mode this weekend.

I was triggered.

I’m fragile, tense, stressed and physically hurt.

I was Triggered.

My body remembers certain events and I haven’t completely worked through them all yet.

Because I was Triggered.

There is freedom and so many good things in my life…but I had to take a step back and deal with the feelings from the past.

Because I was Triggered.

I will NOT let this beat me…I will NOT be made small…It is NOT my responsibility…You may NOT do this to me…

I’m done with being Triggered…I will not let this ruin my life…YOU WILL NOT WIN!!!

I have FREEDOM…I have PEACE….I am STRONG…I am WORTHY…I have VALUE…I AM AMAZING!!!!!

You here that jerkface….I AM AMAZING…too bad you can’t see it.

You lost out….I’m better off without you so put your complaints, issues and blame game away….

I AM BIGGER than this and I AM TOO Much for you…

The Struggle

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Today my body reminded me of something that happened a year ago.

I woke up today and I have just been off. It’s been a struggle to just make it through the day. I’m tense, my neck is tight and my upper back is hurting. Little things that normally would not make me feel bad are huge and my feelings are fragile. I’m struggling.

Today is the 1 year anniversary of going to court and having the judge end my marriage. Today a year ago was super stressful and full of anguish, stress and relief all mixed into a big bag of regret and pain.

Divorce hurts…there is no way around it.

Divorce makes you question everything…and whether the divorce was needed or necessary there are so many big feelings and issues that go along with divorce. Divorce is a stigma in Christian culture and often treated as the world’s biggest sin. Divorce makes you question everything under a microscope and sometimes the things you see are ugly and hurtful and cause pain. Divorce brings change…change to relationship, change to your psyche, change to what you value or want, and divorce can also be the thing in your life that you didn’t know you needed.

Some relationships are toxic and unhealthy. An unhealthy relationship is like a cancer in the body and it destroys the spirit. It drives you to a place where you can’t see anything positive and the negativity makes you despair. You wear blinders and can’t see the truth for anything and you make so many excuses. So many excuses and chances in the hopes that there will be change.

Change is what I wanted. I had to change what was happening in my life. I stopped pushing the giant snowball up the mountain that just got longer and harder and heavier. I let go and let the pieces fall and the avalanche of snow topple down the mountain.

The clean up from the avalanche is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. There is so much that I have had to unearth, sort through and see. My blinders are off, I see reality for what it is and what it wasn’t when I was pushing and trying to be all things to everyone.

However there is beauty in the ashes…wounds are healing and while there are scars they are becoming more of the background of the story and not the forefront. There is joy in the little things…smiles and laughter and fun. Things are looking more positive, and there is HOPE.

God has met me where I am…He brings people into my life who love me…he tells me that I have Value and WORTH…he sees me for who I am, the wonderful person he created me to be. He has met every need and I have more than I need. There is joy with my boys as we create an environment that works for us…there are challenges but God meets me and helps me find the best tools and path for us.

The body remembers the trauma and stress but the mind can be set free and while today may be hard…there is joy in the morning so I will sit with the grief of today and be aware but I won’t let it rewrite my life.

Messiness

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Messy…this word is running through my brain this weekend. It’s been week of struggles.

Autism is full of big feelings, rampant emotions, and the inability to regulate yourself. My youngest is struggling in his autism lately. He’s probably learning and growing and getting ready to move to a new level of ability and when he is getting close to mastering something we often have a period of regression. We are in a full on regression period right now.

There is screaming, there is mess making of an epic level…he dumped an entire container of pancake mix on my dark sofa yesterday and on my birthday there was a bathtub mess of epic proportions that made me want to run away and hide. There are big feelings that make you exhausted and then the need for Mom to make it better so there are snuggles and struggles as he works through whatever this is. There are also struggles with sleep and he has been crawling in bed with me frequently and honestly I am not my best in the middle of the night so there are struggles with me being exhausted from lack of sleep and him struggling to stay asleep.

It’s also a week where I am struggling with being a single mom. As the lone parent for my boys I am dealing with the struggles that come with raising my boys. I am the person who calms them down, who loves them through and who is present for these moments of absolute epic chaos and emotion. The messiness makes me feel like a failure.

FAILURE is my big feeling…my messy space. I don’t like it, I don’t want it in my life and I see it as a monumental indication that I am not GOOD ENOUGH…that I am somehow defined solely by those things that I struggle and fight and don’t accomplish. I often feel like if I don’t do enough, if I don’t accomplish enough, if I don’t present myself as anything but perfect than people perceive me as a FAILURE.

I’m still trying to figure out where this has come from and why it is so deep rooted inside me. I was not brought up where I had to be perfect. I was a typical teenager with a messy room, lots of successes and failures and I was allowed to make mistakes…but I am also a pastor’s kid. Pastors are not perfect and neither are their families but somehow we tend to look on people who are in spiritual leadership as being “more godly” or “more perfect” than the average person and hold them to a standard that is not either healthy or desired. And while it’s not directly said there is a feeling of being held to a standard above the average standard that an average family at church would have to present or attain. Pastor’s should not be viewed as sinning or having sin in their homes…and yet we are Sinners who live in a fallen world just like everybody else…so I think that we need to realize that yes Pastor’s and their families are in places of leadership and view but that doesn’t mean that we need to expect more of them or have them be so much better than everyone else. You never know what passing comment or opinion will do to a developing psyche and what they will latch on too.

We also as parts of the Christian community hold the standards of the Proverbs 31 women in such high regard that we then place on Christian women this notion that if we are not doing everything that is described in that passage of the Bible to an epic level of perfection then we are not being a good Christian wife or Mom. This is not the point of that passage nor should it be. It’s been blown out of proportion and made to be something it shouldn’t be by too many people and I think it can do more harm than good sometimes. We also give men in the church a pass. Go into any Christian bookstore or do an Amazon search for Marriage books for Christian women and Marriage books for Christian men…women are the target audience and we are told that we have to strive harder and meet these goals in order for our marriages and lives to be successful and if we don’t than basically we are disappointing God. And we can easily translate that to failure.

One thing I am learning through the last few years is that there are people who can see past the messiness…and they are amazed at all the things that you are accomplishing and doing. Messiness is a smoke screen as it were…a crutch to keep people out and a way to hide from the bigger things and deeper issues. We were designed to be perfect…and yet we were given Free Will and man chose the messy. The messy keeps us from so many things…it scares us or makes us hide. I’m choosing to reveal my messiness…and the lessons and learning that I am gaining by peeling away these ideas and thoughts that trap me behind a wall of perceived perfection that makes me think that life could be easy. We don’t want to show our messes…we don’t want people to think less of us but in that messiness we are real and we show people that they are not the only ones who feel things deeply or struggle with things. God designed us for community and wants us to build relationships…first with Him and then with others. We are not designed to carry the burden alone but to help bear one another’s burdens as we walk along the path set before us.

So welcome to my messiness…I promise I’m working on cleaning stuff up but there is always a new mess or issue that I will be dealing with or trying to change. I’m human…I’m real…I’m messy.

45

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Today is my birthday. I am 45 years old today.

45 seems so old, like I should be full of great wisdom and have a deep understanding of what life should be full of and a feeling of great accomplishment for all that I’ve learned. In the past when life spans were much shorter I would be probably be a grandparent and be considered one of the older generation in my community. But times have have changed and I’m now smack dab in the middle of life…and my 3rd child has reminded me that I am halfway to 90~!

So what does 45 look like as I analyze my life? In many ways 45 feels a lot like my 20’s. I’m in a period of change. I married young and was married for 21 years and now I’m not married anymore. I skipped the period of life when many figure out who they are as people, who embrace life as a singleton. I married at 22 and by the time I was 25 I had 2 small children so that period of time was filled with learning to be a mom, trying to be a loving and supportive wife, and I made lots of mistakes and grew up quickly in my 20’s. On the flip side here I am in my mid 40’s and I am figuring out how to be single again, to navigate parenting children with high medical needs and special needs as a Lone parent and I continue to juggle the needs of the many against the needs of the few. Add in adult children going through situations that are strangely parallel to my life and it has a weird Twilight Zone episode feeling.

45 seems like such a big number and it is…it’s longer than the the Israelites wandered in the desert. It’s a significant milestone on the road to 50 years married but its still weirdly young. I feel like I’m still growing and changing and blossoming. 45 is a period of new growth and a re-blooming if you will. The dead branches, the hurt areas, and the wounded parts of my life are getting pruned off and healing and I’m seeing new growth. Parts of my spirit and personality which I made small are being allowed to come out and shine. I’m rediscovering things I enjoy and not having to fit my square peg into a round hole is so freeing and scary at the same time. I’m learning what makes me tick and why I define things the way I do. I am recognizing that my VALUE and WORTH are not based on anything or anyone…I don’t have to do and be more than I am to be appreciated and valued. I am who God created me to be and I need to be just who I am and bring Glory and Honor to God. Its my responsibility to nurture and love my children, to grow and develop, to seek and learn and so…

45…lets do this…here we go…

Sweetness in the Sour

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I’m sitting at the kitchen table looking out over the backyard. My younger two boys are playing with a neighborhood friend on our backyard trampoline. They are jumping, wrestling and using boxes to create a fort of some type. It’s a warm afternoon and I’m watching my kids be kids.

It’s a good reminder that there is sweetness in the everyday moments of my life.

Sunday’s are hard lately. I need the spiritual encouragement and to feed my soul. I enjoy going to church. I love to worship, since my divorce worship hits me in a whole different way than it did before I walked this deep valley of struggle. God has shown up in my broken places. He has shined a light and illuminated areas of my soul where I need to work, where I need Him to heal, where I feel things so very deeply. But autism strikes on Sunday’s. My youngest has been struggling on Sunday and I miss out on the parts of church that are sometimes needed the most. I’m very grateful for technology and that services are now on online as I can go back and fill in the places that I missed. There is a lot of Big feelings and when he’s in full meltdown mode it feels like its all too much. But people love me and they love my kids and they encourage and smile and invite us in. They find ways to encourage, to bring Hope to dark places and to make me feel like people see the struggle.

Having a child with special needs is hard when you are a parent. It’s even harder when you are the Lone parent. It’s chasing, its running, its screaming, it’s meltdowns, it’s feeling like the weight of the world is on your back and you can’t get up. But it’s also lots of special moments…its hugs, its little boys who fall asleep on you when they just need your presence, it’s special smiles and simple ways that they show you that they appreciate what you do. Its a lot of sour and bitter moments that make you want to run and hide away from the looks and feeling like you are not succeeding because its so hard but there is a sweetness with the sour. The love and appreciation that your child shows in those calm moments and when they truly need you most.

So I look for the sweetness in the sour, the sugar to make the bitter more palatable. The good in those moments when you are drowning and feel like nothing will every be okay ever again. And God finds me…he meets me in my sour places and he reminds me that He is Faithful, He is Good and He is going to make a way even when I can’t see it. He meets me with a text at just the right moment, a reminder that people love me, a hug from a friend, a smile from a stranger or just in those moments when it hurts to breathe and yet you still can…

God is good all the time…All the time God is good…and He meets us where we are…even when we don’t always see it.

Being Broken

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I wrote this several months ago…and I found it this morning in my journal…I’m sharing it here because I have been reading the Book of Job as a study and I’m reminded that I am more than the things I feel and the problems I face.

We use the verse out of context so often about God not giving us more than we can handle. God DOES give us More than we can Handle.  He DOES.  He absolutely will give us more than we can handle because it is only then when we absolutely are pushed to the point that we no longer can do anything about anything.  Its when the situation is hopeless and full of pain, agony and you no longer want to deal or process and you are so overwhelmed that we in our humanity, our stubbornness or pride will look to the heavens and say “ God I NEED YOU!”  

I NEED YOU…to carry this emotion because it is too heavy for me.

I NEED YOU…to hug me close like a Father and tell me that YOU are Near.

I NEED YOU…to bring some kind of calmness to the chaos of my soul.

I NEED YOU…to show me that you are the divine Keeper of all Things.

I NEED YOU…to bring to light all the things I can’t see.

I’m broken.

I’m frustrated and holding on to a layer of guilt that I have placed on myself from a situation that I initiated but didn’t want.

I’m angry with the person who I built my life around who views the family unit as only being important when he feels like it and can be condescending, mean and intimidating.  

I’m Tired of being made small in the eyes of someone who can’t do all the things that I do on a daily basis and complains that things are too HARD…when in reality they are not.

I’m irritated by the fact that when the reality of my life is brought forth people will judge me for not keeping my marriage together as if that is the worst possible sin in the world because God Hates Divorce.

I’m bothered by the fact that I feel that people will judge me when they learn that I am divorced or look down on me for not keeping my marriage together after 21 years…even though they do not live with me or see the change that was and is necessary when you and the person you committed to start treating each other in a toxic manner and only 1 of you is capable of change.

I’m struggling with boundaries and not being a pushover because I feel bad that things have ended and I will put others first and sometimes that is not what I should be doing.

I’m feeling like the Black sheep of the family…even though there is divorce, and other big sins around…mine must be so much worse because I am a failure.

That is the root of it…I’m broken and I’m a FAILURE.  I had one job…to stay married until Death Do Us Part…and he’s still alive and I’m not Married…so yeah…I’m broken.  I’m a mess and I need to figure out how to go from wallowing to thriving.

I’m spiraling…like water down the drain.  I’m pushing the world up like Atlas…only to see it fall.  I’m HUMAN.  

I’m HUMAN…I have faults, I have problems, I have struggles, I have challenges.  I’m NOT invincible, I’m not all knowing.

I AM….

A beloved child of God

A Daughter of the King

A Believer Saved by Grace

A mother of 4 great kids

A daughter of amazing parents

A teacher of the tiny people who think I am great.

A person who is worth knowing

Taking Care of Me

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I’m learning how to take care of myself again.

For a long time I worried only about my kids and family and put myself last.

I’m learning that sometimes I have to put myself first.

It’s okay to do things that make me feel good or help me to relax.

Tonight I lit a candle in my room…just because I wanted to…I like the flicker and the glow…it makes me feel cozy.

I’m taking care of my skin…I haven’t done a mask in a long time…so I have one on my face and I’m enjoying the feel, sluffing off the bad and then moisturizing the good…I need to do this more often.

I’m enjoying the quiet…the peace, the relaxation of the moments when the children are in bed and the house is calm.

I’m going to bed early tonight…I need some extra sleep.

I’m taking care of me…and it feels good.