Healing

4 years

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Four years ago my life as I had known it stopped.

Four years ago I screamed words I never thought would come out of my mouth.

Four years ago I chose me and my kids over the ideals and principles that I had been raised to Revere.

Four years ago I jumped into the unknown after 21 years of living a certain way of life.

And I’m better for it.

But there are memories trapped in my body. And my body remembers….and it challenges my spirit.

Do I regret the changes…no

Do I appreciate where I currently am in my life…yes

Do I want to go back to the way it used to be….absolutely not!

But there are days when I can’t explain why I feel off or am struggling extra and today is one of those days and then when I fully process what is happening I remember that it’s a date where something significant happened…and I have an AHA! moment. Trauma bonding is real, toxicity is a thing and when you come out of it and realize the dramatic changes you are so grateful for the healing and changes. But your body remembers and it can take a longer period of time than you expect for your body to fully release the negative and toxic emotions associated with past trauma.

All in all…I’m thankful for the past 4 years…and I am thankful for the life I live and the amazing changes that have happened.

Overthinking

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I am 100% an overthinker.

I overthink everything…and when I’m tired or stressed my overthinking kicks into high gear and I get lost in this head space where I almost feel trapped. I’m trapped by my thought patterns and my feelings of am I doing enough, am I helping enough, am I meeting the needs of those around me…am I being selfish if I want time for me? These thoughts start like a hamster wheel and I jump on and before I know it I am trapped in what feels like a never ending cycle.

In the past I would do everything in my power to fix the situation of what I am overthinking about…to the detriment of me and my family. I would dive into my work also and work extra hard to be the best teacher to make my classroom shine and be seen as the best. I want the acknowledgment of being good at what I do. I want to be the best person at everything…I want to be the best wife, mother, teacher, friend, and if I’m not or see myself as less worthy I feel like I am worthless or undeserving of good things and rest. I have to earn the right to rest…but that’s wrong thinking…I don’t have to earn the right to rest or take breaks…I don’t have to kill myself and be busy all the time to be worthy of love, affection or attention.

It’s amazing how quickly you can fall back into toxic thinking and habits. For 21 years I was told that I didn’t do enough, that I wasn’t supportive enough, that I wasn’t good enough…and I believed it. Unless I was functioning at 100% all the time and doing all the things and meeting all the needs and basically being perfect…then I was deserving of love, time and good things…otherwise there wasn’t a point to it or it was a waste of time. I don’t always know how to feel comfortable in my own home and space…I feel like there is a judgement team out there always waiting to drop in and see all the things I haven’t done and the places where its’ not quite good enough and that is the focus instead of all the ways and efforts of things that are good and nice and tidy. My house is not perfect but it’s also not super messy or dirty. I am cleaning and maintaining the spaces…I’m able to function and so are the other members of the family. It’s not my job to do all the things and be responsible for all the things…our family is a partnership, a team effort and everyone needs to contribute and do their part.

So what’s the point of all of this…I don’t know. Part of my healing process has been learning to recognize the patterns and areas where I get hung up and recognize that I have value and worth outside of the things I do and contribute to the family…simply for being who I am. Sometimes it’s a easy time and other times like right now I struggle with feeling like I don’t do enough or bring enough to the table…I don’t hold others to levels of expectation that I place on myself and I can’t figure out why I can’t see the positive contributions that I bring to situations.

I told my counselor once that I view perfect as being life is easy….so I strive for perfection in the hopes that if I meet it life will be easy. So if anything is less than perfect then I must be failing because if I was perfect than it would be easy and I wouldn’t be struggling…and that’s not how life works…we struggle, we adapt, we change and we grow….and this is part of my growth process…recognizing that I don’t have to be perfect for life to not be a struggle…to see that I bring value and have worth outside of what I do and that people like me even when I don’t feel like they should or would.

Writing is cathartic and helps me process the parts of me that are hard to explain…so thank you for reading and understanding my thoughts processes as I work through the healing and growth struggles that come from rebuilding your life after living in a toxic and emotionally damaging space for many years. Building a new life is gratifying but comes with unexpected places that put you back into negative patterns that are familiar but not desired…thankfully I see the negatives now and am working on negotiating them in a healthy and positive manner.

Effort Matters

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I’ve been thinking a lot about the word effort this week. The word is defined as a vigorous or determined attempt. When you put forth effort it means that you try or attempt to do something to the best of your ability to help, achieve, encourage, determine. When you put forth effort with something you show that you value or want to benefit from the thing you are making an effort to do, show or attain.

I had a birthday this week. So did my husband. We are exactly 3 years and 1 day apart in age. I didn’t know what to expect this time around since the last birthday’s that we have celebrated we were long distance in our relationship…and honestly from a logistics point of view long distance was easier as we could just send gifts through the mail and not have anyone left out in the birthday meal, cake equations. I have 2 things that are a priority for me on my birthday…1 is I don’t cook…I don’t want to make my own food on my birthday…that doesn’t mean I have to be taken out for my birthday but if we are eating at home I’m not cooking the food…and 2 I want a birthday cake…preferably yellow cake with chocolate icing. If I get those 2 things I am a happy camper.

It’s weird getting married after you have kids. Both my husband and I came into the marriage with kids. When you are married and have kids in the household there really isn’t a honeymoon period…you just jump in and go. Plus we each have challenges with the custody schedules with our children so there has been very little time for just us. This year my husband had both his birthday and my birthday off. I haven’t gone back to work yet as I’ve been in a period of adjusting with my kids and the family so we had time on both days for just us…we don’t get a lot of just us time. On his birthday, while the kids were in school, we went to a local state park to view some waterfalls and possibly go hammocking…but it was kinda cold and about to rain so we just hiked a little bit and did a driving tour of the area. On my birthday, while the kids were off to school, we went and viewed a local national historic site and had a nice time just being together. We enjoyed a nice lunch out on his birthday and then I helped make his favorite meal for everyone(6 kids and us) and I baked him a cake…on my birthday he cooked a steak and potatoes dinner on the new grill we gifted each other and he attempted to make a cake…it tasted good but didn’t win points in the presentation department…and we celebrated each other and the life we each have led. We had time with the whole family on his birthday and game night for those interested and on my birthday we enjoyed time with my kids and watched a movie…all in all good days.

I kept coming back to the idea of effort…and why it matters to me. There is a statement that flies around that if they wanted to they would…and this is spot on. I’m a person who appreciates the effort that others put into what is important to me. I was asked what I wanted to eat, what matters to me and I was heard. Was it perfect…no, but the effort to try and make sure that I felt special and appreciated mattered and was definitely felt. When someone loves you they make sure that you feel loved and appreciated even when it’s not the ideal experience for you or what you necessarily like.

All in all I had an amazing birthday. As an added bonus I am loved and appreciated by someone who sees me for who I am and appreciates the little things and ways that I do stuff. I hope that on the flip side I made my husband also feel special and appreciated especially on his birthday.

Flipping the Script

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One thing people do not prepare you for when you leave a toxic or stressful relationship is how sometimes your former partner triggers you and you are thrust back into the emotions and feelings you used to live under for years and periods of time. I’ve been triggered and it has caused a rush of unwanted feelings, emotions and struggles. 

My ex husband and I have had to be talking more recently. We are finishing up the very long process of separating all the things that weren’t an issue or a problem when I lived nearby and he saw the boys more frequently. Things like Sam’s Club memberships, Amazon Prime linked accounts and phone plans. I’m merging my life more and more with my new husband and we are figuring out our life and so the final things are happening( things I have wanted to do for years but never pushed to keep the peace). In this process my ex has reminded me of reasons why we are no longer together as a couple. He has been triggering and said things that don’t need to be discussed and has treated me in a negative way. It has in some ways thrown me backward into the negative feelings and thought patterns that I lived under for a long time. It’s not my favorite head space to be in and I’m struggling. 

I’m very thankful for the Man who God has brought into my life. The Man that tells me that he is thankful for me. The man that appreciates the little things I do as his wife. The man who has been stepping up and doing extra things for me that make me feel loved and appreciated. The man who holds me and comforts me when I feel low or small. The man that shows me in the little ways that he loves me and he is encouraging me to be gentle with myself. The man who respects me and understands my boundaries. It’s nice and weird all at the same time. When you aren’t used to being treated in this manner you wonder when the other shoe is going to drop…it feels to good to be true…it feels like you are waiting for the mask to fall off and the man underneath to be revealed…but there isn’t a mask, he’s genuinely a good guy and there is no catch to him wanting to help you. And then there is a sadness that comes with it…like why didn’t I get this all the time…why didn’t we connect a long time ago and save both of us so much heartache and grief…but I can’t answer these questions….I just have to trust that God is bigger, wiser and more aware of the greater plan. I’m thankful that I have it now. I can also take time and figure out the best ways to move forward in a way that is healthy and good for me. All in all I’m definitely moving forward even if sometime I feel like I’m taking a few too many steps backward. 

Grace

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Something I’m learning through my healing and journey of rediscovering who I am is the idea of giving myself GRACE…

I grew up with the self imposed idea that woman can do everything, be everything and accomplish whatever they put their mind to…and yes I am capable and able to do a lot but I am not Wonder Woman and I have limits that I am starting to recognize and embrace. 

I’m a high energy take charge type of person and I will make a to do list that is longer than it should be and then I feel defeated if I don’t accomplish everything on the list…even if it’s not realistic. So to give myself Grace…I make a list of the things I want to accomplish over 5-7 days and it’s much more manageable.

In my first marriage I felt that if I didn’t accomplish a goal or make progress on stuff then I was failing and looking like I was being lazy…and in the process I worked myself up and was always wound up so that I would almost tick…and I was married to someone who saw all the things I didn’t do rather than the stuff I accomplished. My new husband sees the effort and appreciates that I have obstacles or challenges with kids in the house and sees the little things I do…and it makes me feel appreciated and loved…he also comments on things that I see as no big deal and it makes me appreciate that my efforts are seen.

Today is a gloomy and rainy day. It’s chilly, there is a darkness and this leads to wanting to hibernate…and so I kinda am. I’m accomplishing chores and tasks but I’m not killing myself to get stuff done…if I want to write, or read, or watch a documentary I am giving myself the time and space to do that. The me of the past would be beating herself up right now…giving me a guilt trip for not being extra productive…to be conquering the new year…kicking down doors and taking names on some resolutions…and I’m not her…at least not today.

So I’m learning that trying to do it all, accomplish everything and wearing myself out in the process is counter productive. We live a busy life with a lot of people and if I need a break I should take it…I’m not being lazy if I only get 6 things on a list of 12 things…but rather I’m done with half of them and I will have more time tomorrow. 

I read an article about explaining to kiddos the difference between “Maintenance” and Chores. Maintenance is doing the little tasks that need to be accomplished in a day and a chore is something that you put gloves on or get out major tools and items to accomplish. Maintenance needs to be done daily but some chores can wait…and that’s where I am today…I’m doing those Maintenance items that need to be accomplished but the major chores can wait…and that’s okay. This article was very eye opening to me as I tend to lump everything together and then feel like I’m not doing enough because I only did the maintenance items…but the maintenance items are important and keep our household running.  

I’ve also learned that doing things that matter and bring me joy or solace is as important as accomplishing a to do list and it’s okay to take time for things that are not “important”. I’m giving myself Grace and learning to be more comfortable and okay with not being perfect or some fake constructed idea of how things have to be…it’s a learning curve and journey but one I’m learning day by day.

Whatever This Is

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Isaiah 61:3 “And provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”

My Divorce was a period of deep mourning in my soul. I was broken, hurt, alarmed,fearful and angry. I started working on things that I had pushed aside, that had been made small. I took a deep and honest look at who I am and I started to unpeel the parts and work on the areas that needed attention. I was convinced that I was done with marriage, done with men and I was content to be alone. I wasn’t going to go down that road again, I had been hurt too much, it wasn’t worth it. I was content to be a single woman alone.

Time has a way of changing things…as I worked on myself I started to heal. I started to feel things again, and I started to like myself again. I hadn’t liked myself for a long time…I was so trying to be something I wasn’t and truly can’t be that I became so wound up I would literally tick…I was a giant spring about to snap under tension. I stopped ticking…I was able finally to be me. I poured myself into fixing my house…making it my home…being comfortable in my own spaces. I poured myself into getting to know my children in a new and different way. To be the mom I wanted to be without being told it would be better this way…or feeling inadequate when we make mistakes. I started to relax, to embrace the positive side of life…to enjoy the time and moments I have.

It was during this period that I decided that maybe I was ready to possibly go on a date or two…so I joined on a whim a dating website…for exactly 18 hours…and in those 18 hours I received 10 messages, a bunch of random likes or smiles and just an overwhelming sense of creepiness. This process scared me to death…and I was like…nope, not happening, I’m not ready for this. I’m okay by myself…no thank you if this is what modern dating looks like then nope…I’ll be single! I remember sitting in my room on my bed and praying basically telling God that if HE wanted someone in my life…a partner for me, a helper and friend and confidant and love…then He would have to drop him in my lap! And I left it there and continued on with my life…not worried, not looking, not wanting anything.

And then God stepped in...

The last week of December 2021 I was on Facebook and a longtime friend from college posted a picture of his living room and tree with the statement… Burnt cookies and a messy living room. I think I’ll leave the apartment looking like this for a few days and cherish the new memories to be made with the kids. AKA divorce speak…looking for positives in a bleak situation…not using specifics but wanting to be heard. I filed it away and mentioned to another friend that I thought someone I knew from college was getting or just gotten divorced and then I didn’t really think about it…until…the Pittsburgh Steelers made the Playoffs. And that starts the most unexpected adventure in my life story…

January 10, 2022 it’s 1:52 in the morning and my Facebook messenger pings…with the following message…Shall we make a friendly wager on the game Sunday?😀 and I’m like…what are you thinking…and he says…Dinner and a movie…seriously you decide. And I’m like…I don’t make good decisions at 2:00 in the morning…and I will get back to you later…

This began a new chapter in my life. We started chatting…first through Facebook messenger…then we exchanged phone numbers and texted and then finally we started talking on the phone. He would message and check in on me…if I posted about a sick kid he would ask about them, he wanted to know what was happening in my life and cared about the little things…things he didn’t have to care about. I started getting Good Morning texts and looking forward to our conversations at night after a long day of work…and getting to chat little bits throughout the day as we shared something funny or meaningful. I got flowers for Valentine’s Day…not expected just sent and it was as if a part of my heart was changing…I sent him BBQ on his birthday and we started thinking maybe this reconnection was something bigger than either of us expected. We have named our relationship Whatever This Is…because we weren’t looking for each other…two old friends who went to Bible College together and played way too much ROOK. I can’t be falling for him…this is impossible…why us, why now?

Fast forward to just past the one year mark…we have seen each other in person, we visit each other as often as we can…we talk multiple times daily and the running total for hours spent on the phone is around 35-50 per month. We text back and forth and carry on conversations on 4 different social media platforms. We know each other so well we can tell if the other is having a struggle based on tone of voice, memes sent or just general attitudes. It’s good, it’s healthy, it’s right…we help each other…we support each other. We pray for each other, we encourage each other to grow in our personal and spiritual lives. There is a sense that we are a team…just separated by distance but we have each other’s back. We are friends first and the romance has blossomed and grown. The love we have for each other is so much sweeter than we ever could have expected because of the challenges and struggles we have each faced as we journeyed to this period of time.

So at the 1 year, 1 Month 1 day mark he asked me if I would be willing to jump into the mix with him, to face the struggles that a large blended family brings…he has kids, I have kids…and see what the future holds. He loves me, I love him…so I said YES! Yes, lets take WHATEVER THIS IS…to the next level and see what else God has in store for us.

Seasons

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It’s been a few months of healing, growing and changing.

Ecclesiates 3 keeps coming to my mind…the cycle of time. A time to be born, a time to die…a time to plant, a time to harvest…a time of joy, a time of sorrow. The song Turn, Turn Turn…is playing on my Echo in my kitchen and I’m pondering. I have the passage from Ecclesiastes on the wall in my kitchen and I read it frequently. There is a time for everything under Heaven…and God is in control of all things.

We are back in the Holiday season. It’s Christmas again and once again I am struggling to figure it all out. This time it’s not full of melancholy but of feeling like there may be new and different things on the Horizon…and it’s a little scary. At the same time there is a feeling of lack of purpose…my kids have gotten sick over the last two weeks and I have not been able to go in to work as I have been sick and or taking care of a sick child. I enjoy my job and find a lot of my purpose and fulfillment in doing a good job and so I am struggling with my feelings of being good enough or being valuable as I am basically forced to be at home doing less than I normally do. So I’m worrying about my status at work, whether I am being missed or not, and basically just wishing that the structure and routine of life would return. I have my patterns and I like them. Yes, they make me tired and frustrated but without them I feel like I am floundering. But I have to put my kids first and make sure that they are taken care of and so I will stay home with them and let them get well. I’m not a nurse or good with illness so I am definitely feeling like I am off my A game.

I took this picture this week…a rotting pumpkin sitting next to my Christmas tree…and it makes me think. I’m like this rotting pumpkin…if I’m not careful…watching and sitting and turning inward on myself…but what’s hidden inside that pumpkin is seeds…that when planted will grow into a vine and produce additional pumpkins. It does little good to be all wrapped up inside myself and hiding from the world. Do I need to stay home? Yes…my kiddos are sick. Did I plan this to make everyone’s life harder and more frustrating? Of course not…if anything I am the one who is the most frustrated by this situation. Am I learning and growing from this situation?…yes…with difficulty and a little bit of frustration but yes I am growing and learning. Do I need to wallow and whine? No, I need to find projects and opportunities to serve my family while I am not able to go to work…and let the other side take care of itself. I need to trust and not worry.

Seasons are important…I think that’s why God created them. He brings different things into our life at different times so that we can grow, learn, mature, and change. He uses the Seasons to bring periods of rest into our lives and allow us to recharge and adapt. He brings people in and out of lives in ways we don’t expect or see coming but in ways that allow us to learn, grow, support, encourage and thrive.

Healing

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I’ve been on a journey for just over 2 years now. It’s been the hardest, longest, exhausting and amazing thing I have ever done. Counseling is HARD…it’s hard to look at yourself and try and see yourself for who you really are. To unpack the pieces of a puzzle and try and get them to all fit together so you can finally see the big picture.

When I yelled during a fight that I wanted a divorce I was shocked, appalled and dismayed. I believe in Marriage. I believe that God created Marriage and that a loving marriage is honoring and pleasing to Him. I believe that 2 people should be partners and strive and work together to create something that is good, pleasing and pleasant. It’s God’s design for 2 people to work together, to build one another up and to make a life together. Will there be challenges and struggles, yes…will there be parts that you don’t like…of course but ultimately your marriage should be your safe space, a place where you feel accepted, loved and wanted. A place where you can be yourself and not feel like you have to be something you are not. A comfortable place that is HOME…and mine wasn’t. As hard as I tried, as hard as I worked and wanted it to be that way it wasn’t. I was never good enough, I never did enough, I never appreciated him or supported him the way he wanted. I could spend all day cleaning or working on a project and instead of a compliment I would get a BUT…something wasn’t good enough, or there was something more I could have done. My plans were never as important as his, my dreams were never a priority, my projects could wait…but I had to drop everything to make sure his stuff happened. And I did a lot, because if I didn’t I was criticized, belittled or made small…and who wants that. My needs and wants were met in part but never fully because I was being too extra, or it was too much money or it just isn’t necessary. Little by little I became less…until I was just a shell of the woman I wanted to be. I was nervous and worried anytime that anyone would question me or ask me to do something because I didn’t know if they would like what I would do. I’m normally a very confident person and I lost my confidence. I began to doubt my abilities and worth based on the opinion of someone.

I stood up for myself and demanded Change…and here we are. There have been some big changes. And they are good changes. I’ve unpacked so many layers that I have buried over time. I realize that I made mistakes…I’m far from perfect but this doesn’t mean I am bad or evil, or unworthy…it means I’m human. I’m allowed to make mistakes and not feel like I am dooming my family. I’m an amazing person who does things daily that are hard and frustrating and I work hard and I meet so many needs of others often without getting mine met and I’m capable and loved. People love me. My kids love me, my family loves me, the children in my classroom love me, my church loves me. And GOD LOVES ME.

GOD LOVES ME.

God is in control of all things…and sometimes I forget that. As I have gone through this healing journey God has shown me over and over again how much He Loves Me. When my former spouse decided that I would keep the house for the kids and started the process of filling out our paperwork I prayed and asked God that if it was a good thing for me to keep the house that I would need him to show me how I would be able to deal with issues we were having with the roof and other cosmetic things. Within 3 days of me praying that prayer there was a roofing company in the area who were looking at a neighbors roof who saw that I had a few missing shingles and thought that they might be able to help…and I got a new roof that summer. My children have never gone hungry, I have not been unable to pay my bills and my work has been very accommodating to my scheduling issues. God is Faithful to me and my family.

Healing hurts though…as you begin to heal you experience sadness and pain because you realize that the things you once tolerated and thought of as good were not as good as they should have been. You realize just how much you gave up to keep the peace and keep the facade in place. You realize that you should have received and been given so much more than you were not because you deserve them but because its basic human to human goodness. I unpacked a big item in my healing journey in the last 10 days and right now I’m working through the sadness of it all. So I’m sitting with my feelings, eating more ice cream and cheese than I probably should and letting the emotions be part of me. I suppressed emotions for a long time and I’m not doing that anymore. These feelings are valid and need to be processed but I’m using them like a stepping stone, not a stumbling block, they won’t keep me from my goals or moving forward.

Most of all I’m thankful. Thankful for the lessons, the pain, the trials, the awakening. I’m thankful for the people and impact that others have on me. I’m so thankful for my kids and the way that they love me. And I’m thankful that as I’m healing God is revealing more and more how much He loves me and the plans that He has in store for me. I’m not sure what my future holds but I know who holds my future. So I will continue to heal, continue to grow and continue to wait in expectation of what may happen next.

Forgiveness

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Sometimes things hit you right between the eyes.

For me this is typically a sermon and means God is trying to teach me something.

Today the sermon at church hit me right between the eyes and is still really resounding with me.

The main thrust of what our pastor preached on today that I walked away with was FORGIVENESS.

Colossians 3: 12-14 was today’s passage:

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grieviances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

So kindness is showing goodness to others, humility is having an honest view of ourselves, gentleness is defined by not showing harshness but having consideration not causing pain but enduring, and patience is having a calm response and not being quick to anger. We need to bear with each other and forgive because God forgave us…and finally the pieces of this garment we are to wear is LOVE…which holds it all together like a belt.

I feel like these are all qualities that I try and practice on a daily basis. I try to go into each day showing these character qualities and being a person who is growing and demonstrating her faith. To show Jesus in my daily life as I serve Him. But there is a person in my life who makes this so very hard.

I was married for 21 years. I will be upfront and say that I was by no means a perfect wife. I made plenty of mistakes. I did things that I am ashamed of and created problems in my marriage that we had to work through…but as I grew as a person and in my Faith I realized my mistakes and worked diligently to correct mistakes, do better and be a good wife. However, the person I was married to stopped growing or was incapable of growth. He would make mistakes and shift the blame onto me and the kids, he would not see the growth and change only focus on the areas that were still lacking. There was a real double standard in our marriage…I was responsible for all mistakes, issues and problems and he was allowed to point them out but if I did the same in response then I was in the wrong or the table would be flipped. If I wanted to go and do things that would strengthen our marriage I was met with resistance and told that I wouldn’t be able to handle these marriage seminars because I would realize how good I had it and be disappointed. Nothing I did would ever be good enough and there was no way that I would ever rectify all my mistakes or issues. Growth and change…nope…if you said it 20 years ago it must still be true. The immaturity of our early life was the basis for our whole life and the idea that thoughts and processes grow and mature as you gain wisdom was laughable. I was made to be so much less…my job was not as important as his because I didn’t make as much money, my needs were only worthwhile to be met if I was also meeting his, helping around the house was not necessary for him because he worked. There was a lot of neglect, indifference and pain.

When you are in pain or being neglected you don’t always respond in appropriate ways. I often lashed out or acted in a reactive manner because I wasn’t being treated the way I wanted or needed to be. Wounds grow deep and it’s hard to move past them. These patterns over time become so ingrained in your family dynamic that you don’t even see the damage and abuse. You simply try harder to fix the problem but you never get to the root of the issue and you don’t work past it. You work so hard until finally there is nothing left in your spirit and you break. Break into a million pieces like a shattered piece of pottery.

I chose me…and my kids. I spoke up and said that I couldn’t do it anymore. I was willing to try and fix it but I wanted and needed change. The negative patterns we were in had to stop and new healthier ones had to be created…and he didn’t agree…to the fixing side…but he did agree to divorce. So here I am…2 years past the hardest period of my life. Things are good…God is Faithful and there is so much growth and yet…I’m struggling.

My ex has decided to interject himself into areas of my life where he is not welcome. He makes statements and demonstrates attitudes to try and hook me back in and make me feel small. He wants to be seen as something that he is not and in the process is very good at making me feel bad and like I am the crazy and toxic one. He lifts himself up by making me less. It’s a recurring pattern and one that I now recognize but still struggle with getting past.

So the sermon today really hit me…I have to show forgiveness. I have to show kindness, gentleness, humility and patience. I have to demonstrate that I do things in LOVE..and I don’t want to…I want to lash out and cause him the same levels of pain and hurt that he continually heaps on me. I want him to suffer and be miserable. I want him to regret everything he ever did that caused me pain and made me suffer. I know he doesn’t think he was that bad, that he was part of the problem…in his mind he was a good husband and father…he still is a good father. When put on paper though…he’s not. If you look at it in black and white it’s obvious to anyone that his perception is off.

This quote hit really hard today…
“Forgiveness is giving up my Right to hurt you or get even with you for hurting me.”

I have to give up my thoughts and feelings of seeking revenge and forgive the mistakes of the past. To forgive the hurtful and mean things that are stated, the lack of acknowledging my boundaries, and my right to get even.

The following also really resonated with me:

“Forgiveness does NOT excuse their behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying you”-anonymous

“Forgiving someone who tramautized us is necessary for Growth, but does not mean we have to stay in the realtionship or dynamic.”

Co parenting with someone who has deeply hurt you makes for challenges. Trying to be loving and demonstrate that you are a follower of Christ is also hard. My wounds are raw, my scars are fresh and my triggers are easily triggered. But I will not let bitterness and negativity find its way back into my spirit. I will show Forgiveness and I will grow and change and see the good that God has for me.

Why Do I Doubt

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Today I am struggling and overwhelmed by areas of my life.

My son’s car won’t start…probably a dead battery…I’m not sure how to go about fixing it. My son took my car to work and it won’t be a problem to share for a couple days but it’s still an added stress.

I hired an extermination company to take care of some issues I am having around my house…and I forgot to tell my son about it and so he was surprised by the situation.

I’m feeling embarassed because I let things slide during the school year and as much as I would love to be on top of everything all the time I am not capable as a single woman, a busy mom and a full time worker to accomplish everything.

I have room prep at my job today to get ready for the summer session and I have to rearrange, reorganize and get a brand new space ready and I am not content to do the bare minimum so I go in full gusto. May have bitten off more than I can easily chew but I will get it done…I always do.

As my son was leaving tonight he was visibly frustrated…so I followed him and tried to figure out what was going on and how I could repair what feels like a big rift in our relationship…learning a new dynamic with an adult child is harder than I expected. During our few minute conversation he looks at me with tears in his eyes and says…”MOM…why do you doubt? Why do you think you are not doing enough, or that I don’t recognize what is happening and know that you are doing your best?”

Wow…David and Goliath type moment right there…hits hard right between the eyes…
“WHY DO I DOUBT”

…that I am good enough

…that I am Worthy of love

…that I am making a difference

…that I have Value…without doing something

…that my ideas are good and helpful

…that I am creative and capable

…that I am an amazing person to love and know.

One thing you don’t realize as you come out of a TOXIC relationship…is that your inner voice has been rewritten for a long time…when the person who is supposed to love you the most is also your biggest critic and makes you feel small you start to believe it. You hear what they have to say over what you know to be the TRUTH…when they paint a picture that is counter to the reality of the situation you have to swim so hard to break free of the emotional riptide that catches you. You over compensate in hopes that you can somehow rectify the situation and that it will be okay…you find yourself looking to fill all the conditions so that hopefully you will be fully loved.

Music has found its way back into my life…I stopped listening to music for years because my former spouse and I didn’t agree on types of music to listen to and he didn’t and doesn’t like what I like and its just easier to not listen then to argue. I’m listening to music…all types. I listen to secular, Christian, gospel, country…if I find a song I like I’m listening to it…and it’s a balm to my soul. Music has a way of bringing feelings and emotions out in a way that few things do and I’m enjoying the healing that can be found in music.

Right now a song by Casting Crowns has really hit hard…and I’ve listened to it on repeat most of the day…I think God knew I needed this song today. It’s Called Just Be Held

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
(Stop holding on and just be held)
Just be held, just be held
Just be held, just be held

I’m giving my doubt to God…I’m looking for His presence in this storm…I’m remembering I’m so much bigger than situations and my kids…my kids know that I love them and that I will do whatever I can to help them learn and grow. I’m not defined by my mistakes and I can conquer and grow and not be made smaller than I truly am. I’m grateful for that statement tonight…”WHY DO YOU DOUBT?” because it makes me think and trust.