I wrote this several months ago…and I found it this morning in my journal…I’m sharing it here because I have been reading the Book of Job as a study and I’m reminded that I am more than the things I feel and the problems I face.

We use the verse out of context so often about God not giving us more than we can handle. God DOES give us More than we can Handle.  He DOES.  He absolutely will give us more than we can handle because it is only then when we absolutely are pushed to the point that we no longer can do anything about anything.  Its when the situation is hopeless and full of pain, agony and you no longer want to deal or process and you are so overwhelmed that we in our humanity, our stubbornness or pride will look to the heavens and say “ God I NEED YOU!”  

I NEED YOU…to carry this emotion because it is too heavy for me.

I NEED YOU…to hug me close like a Father and tell me that YOU are Near.

I NEED YOU…to bring some kind of calmness to the chaos of my soul.

I NEED YOU…to show me that you are the divine Keeper of all Things.

I NEED YOU…to bring to light all the things I can’t see.

I’m broken.

I’m frustrated and holding on to a layer of guilt that I have placed on myself from a situation that I initiated but didn’t want.

I’m angry with the person who I built my life around who views the family unit as only being important when he feels like it and can be condescending, mean and intimidating.  

I’m Tired of being made small in the eyes of someone who can’t do all the things that I do on a daily basis and complains that things are too HARD…when in reality they are not.

I’m irritated by the fact that when the reality of my life is brought forth people will judge me for not keeping my marriage together as if that is the worst possible sin in the world because God Hates Divorce.

I’m bothered by the fact that I feel that people will judge me when they learn that I am divorced or look down on me for not keeping my marriage together after 21 years…even though they do not live with me or see the change that was and is necessary when you and the person you committed to start treating each other in a toxic manner and only 1 of you is capable of change.

I’m struggling with boundaries and not being a pushover because I feel bad that things have ended and I will put others first and sometimes that is not what I should be doing.

I’m feeling like the Black sheep of the family…even though there is divorce, and other big sins around…mine must be so much worse because I am a failure.

That is the root of it…I’m broken and I’m a FAILURE.  I had one job…to stay married until Death Do Us Part…and he’s still alive and I’m not Married…so yeah…I’m broken.  I’m a mess and I need to figure out how to go from wallowing to thriving.

I’m spiraling…like water down the drain.  I’m pushing the world up like Atlas…only to see it fall.  I’m HUMAN.  

I’m HUMAN…I have faults, I have problems, I have struggles, I have challenges.  I’m NOT invincible, I’m not all knowing.

I AM….

A beloved child of God

A Daughter of the King

A Believer Saved by Grace

A mother of 4 great kids

A daughter of amazing parents

A teacher of the tiny people who think I am great.

A person who is worth knowing