divorce

4 years

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Four years ago my life as I had known it stopped.

Four years ago I screamed words I never thought would come out of my mouth.

Four years ago I chose me and my kids over the ideals and principles that I had been raised to Revere.

Four years ago I jumped into the unknown after 21 years of living a certain way of life.

And I’m better for it.

But there are memories trapped in my body. And my body remembers….and it challenges my spirit.

Do I regret the changes…no

Do I appreciate where I currently am in my life…yes

Do I want to go back to the way it used to be….absolutely not!

But there are days when I can’t explain why I feel off or am struggling extra and today is one of those days and then when I fully process what is happening I remember that it’s a date where something significant happened…and I have an AHA! moment. Trauma bonding is real, toxicity is a thing and when you come out of it and realize the dramatic changes you are so grateful for the healing and changes. But your body remembers and it can take a longer period of time than you expect for your body to fully release the negative and toxic emotions associated with past trauma.

All in all…I’m thankful for the past 4 years…and I am thankful for the life I live and the amazing changes that have happened.

Reflections

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The end of February has kicked the pants out from under me.

On the marriage front life is easy. My husband and I are figuring out life together, enjoying being together as a couple and learning how to love each other well. We both had struggles in our first marriages and are finding that we are actually pretty good spouses to each other…and we work. We still look at each other and shake our heads in disbelief frequently because when we first started communicating and reconnecting neither one of us thought or expected to end up here…and we work well together. We talk, we laugh, we support, we enjoy. It’s working and we like it…but we still find it a little bit mind baffling.

Blending a family…that’s a challenge. We are struggling with finding a good rhythm to the family. My kids live with us full time as their dad lives 600 miles away. His kids live with us one night a week and every other weekend. They live with their mom…4 miles away…and yet we struggle…they are not here enough for us to build good routines and consistency to our family schedule. Sometimes when you co parent with someone you are able to have good communication and other times the communication makes you want to pull your hair out and you are struggling. It’s a period of being on the struggle bus…to the point that we have had to go to court to try and finalize the parenting plan and have a ruling that is more fair. I’m not weighing in on the marriage or the issues that were had before me but I have opinions over what we are facing now. We have things that we desire for our family that we are in and when you work with a person who sees things from a differing perspective and point of view and is not willing to either keep their nose out of our business and let us do our jobs or is shifting blame and accusing us of things its a struggle to be nice and not get mean or petty.

I feel bad for all the kids. My kids struggle with not treating the bonus siblings as guests or interlopers. They are very comfortable here because it’s their home…the bonus siblings are here about 10 days each month…and that’s not a lot of time…and I feel bad for the bonus kids because they feel like they are living out of suitcases…and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m also struggling with the way the bonus kids operate and function and listen because they do things differently than me and they are teenagers and I have things that work with my kids…and they are in my home but they are not my kids. They also don’t always like the boundaries and rules that we have that are different from their other house so there is disagreements and arguments…and that’s a struggle for me to keep a positive attitude and mindset when I just want to give up.

Add on top of everything my older children are going through some life changes and big moves and that has been a hard experience for me. I thought that both kids would be moving to NY and that they would live separate from me…but my second born isn’t ready to launch like that…he needs a smaller jump…one closer to where we live…he’s capable but struggling with it…so he is back from NY and going to be getting a job here and moving into an apartment closer to us so that he can still be around his little brothers and near family which he feels like he needs. It was a rough period and I don’t fully believe he gave it a big enough shot but I have to support and help him grow so we will do it a different way.

Motherhood is challenging…large gap parenting is extra challenging. I have to be available to support and guide from a distance the 2 that are adults…which sometimes means I keep my mouth shut and just listen. Other times I have to be a sounding board for the challenges and struggles that they are having and give advice whether they like hearing it or not. It’s a more mental side of mothering. Then I have the 2 that live with me who are minors…and they each have their challenges. We have Autism from the youngest and Type 1 diabetes and anxiety issues from the almost teenager. So we have behavior challenges and struggles and blood sugar issues, and teenage hormones…and sometimes I think I may explode from the challenges of it all.

I also wasn’t prepared for how being the Stepmother makes me feel. There is a lot of stigma in the world about the role of the Stepmother. Sometimes I feel like my rules, needs or desires don’t matter. The kids don’t feel like they need another mother…they have a mother and I am a different dynamic than their mom. They have one set of rules or expectations at their mom’s house and I have different rules and expectations at my house. I have boundaries that my kids know and respect and they have different boundaries and they can think my boundaries are limiting or mean. There is also a feeling of where do I fit…they have a lot of memories that don’t involve me and since they are older they don’t necessarily want to build new memories with their Dad when I am there…I’m the interloper, the outsider and I brought a whole lot of people with me and that can make for an us vs them situation….on both sides. I have read from the experts that it can take 3-7 years for families to feel fully blended…and the kids are teenagers…so it’s a race against time…and exes…and situations…and behaviors…and sometimes you just want to ask if it is worth it. I know it will be worth it…but it’s a challenge…and we are only about 8 months in to this whole life adventure but sometimes I feel discouraged.

So we are starting a new month…one with new challenges and items on the horizon and I will take the challenges and struggles as they come but I will be honest…I’m hoping its a little bit easier moving forward then the past month.

Flipping the Script

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One thing people do not prepare you for when you leave a toxic or stressful relationship is how sometimes your former partner triggers you and you are thrust back into the emotions and feelings you used to live under for years and periods of time. I’ve been triggered and it has caused a rush of unwanted feelings, emotions and struggles. 

My ex husband and I have had to be talking more recently. We are finishing up the very long process of separating all the things that weren’t an issue or a problem when I lived nearby and he saw the boys more frequently. Things like Sam’s Club memberships, Amazon Prime linked accounts and phone plans. I’m merging my life more and more with my new husband and we are figuring out our life and so the final things are happening( things I have wanted to do for years but never pushed to keep the peace). In this process my ex has reminded me of reasons why we are no longer together as a couple. He has been triggering and said things that don’t need to be discussed and has treated me in a negative way. It has in some ways thrown me backward into the negative feelings and thought patterns that I lived under for a long time. It’s not my favorite head space to be in and I’m struggling. 

I’m very thankful for the Man who God has brought into my life. The Man that tells me that he is thankful for me. The man that appreciates the little things I do as his wife. The man who has been stepping up and doing extra things for me that make me feel loved and appreciated. The man who holds me and comforts me when I feel low or small. The man that shows me in the little ways that he loves me and he is encouraging me to be gentle with myself. The man who respects me and understands my boundaries. It’s nice and weird all at the same time. When you aren’t used to being treated in this manner you wonder when the other shoe is going to drop…it feels to good to be true…it feels like you are waiting for the mask to fall off and the man underneath to be revealed…but there isn’t a mask, he’s genuinely a good guy and there is no catch to him wanting to help you. And then there is a sadness that comes with it…like why didn’t I get this all the time…why didn’t we connect a long time ago and save both of us so much heartache and grief…but I can’t answer these questions….I just have to trust that God is bigger, wiser and more aware of the greater plan. I’m thankful that I have it now. I can also take time and figure out the best ways to move forward in a way that is healthy and good for me. All in all I’m definitely moving forward even if sometime I feel like I’m taking a few too many steps backward. 

Whatever This Is

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Isaiah 61:3 “And provide for those who grieve in Zion – to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.”

My Divorce was a period of deep mourning in my soul. I was broken, hurt, alarmed,fearful and angry. I started working on things that I had pushed aside, that had been made small. I took a deep and honest look at who I am and I started to unpeel the parts and work on the areas that needed attention. I was convinced that I was done with marriage, done with men and I was content to be alone. I wasn’t going to go down that road again, I had been hurt too much, it wasn’t worth it. I was content to be a single woman alone.

Time has a way of changing things…as I worked on myself I started to heal. I started to feel things again, and I started to like myself again. I hadn’t liked myself for a long time…I was so trying to be something I wasn’t and truly can’t be that I became so wound up I would literally tick…I was a giant spring about to snap under tension. I stopped ticking…I was able finally to be me. I poured myself into fixing my house…making it my home…being comfortable in my own spaces. I poured myself into getting to know my children in a new and different way. To be the mom I wanted to be without being told it would be better this way…or feeling inadequate when we make mistakes. I started to relax, to embrace the positive side of life…to enjoy the time and moments I have.

It was during this period that I decided that maybe I was ready to possibly go on a date or two…so I joined on a whim a dating website…for exactly 18 hours…and in those 18 hours I received 10 messages, a bunch of random likes or smiles and just an overwhelming sense of creepiness. This process scared me to death…and I was like…nope, not happening, I’m not ready for this. I’m okay by myself…no thank you if this is what modern dating looks like then nope…I’ll be single! I remember sitting in my room on my bed and praying basically telling God that if HE wanted someone in my life…a partner for me, a helper and friend and confidant and love…then He would have to drop him in my lap! And I left it there and continued on with my life…not worried, not looking, not wanting anything.

And then God stepped in...

The last week of December 2021 I was on Facebook and a longtime friend from college posted a picture of his living room and tree with the statement… Burnt cookies and a messy living room. I think I’ll leave the apartment looking like this for a few days and cherish the new memories to be made with the kids. AKA divorce speak…looking for positives in a bleak situation…not using specifics but wanting to be heard. I filed it away and mentioned to another friend that I thought someone I knew from college was getting or just gotten divorced and then I didn’t really think about it…until…the Pittsburgh Steelers made the Playoffs. And that starts the most unexpected adventure in my life story…

January 10, 2022 it’s 1:52 in the morning and my Facebook messenger pings…with the following message…Shall we make a friendly wager on the game Sunday?😀 and I’m like…what are you thinking…and he says…Dinner and a movie…seriously you decide. And I’m like…I don’t make good decisions at 2:00 in the morning…and I will get back to you later…

This began a new chapter in my life. We started chatting…first through Facebook messenger…then we exchanged phone numbers and texted and then finally we started talking on the phone. He would message and check in on me…if I posted about a sick kid he would ask about them, he wanted to know what was happening in my life and cared about the little things…things he didn’t have to care about. I started getting Good Morning texts and looking forward to our conversations at night after a long day of work…and getting to chat little bits throughout the day as we shared something funny or meaningful. I got flowers for Valentine’s Day…not expected just sent and it was as if a part of my heart was changing…I sent him BBQ on his birthday and we started thinking maybe this reconnection was something bigger than either of us expected. We have named our relationship Whatever This Is…because we weren’t looking for each other…two old friends who went to Bible College together and played way too much ROOK. I can’t be falling for him…this is impossible…why us, why now?

Fast forward to just past the one year mark…we have seen each other in person, we visit each other as often as we can…we talk multiple times daily and the running total for hours spent on the phone is around 35-50 per month. We text back and forth and carry on conversations on 4 different social media platforms. We know each other so well we can tell if the other is having a struggle based on tone of voice, memes sent or just general attitudes. It’s good, it’s healthy, it’s right…we help each other…we support each other. We pray for each other, we encourage each other to grow in our personal and spiritual lives. There is a sense that we are a team…just separated by distance but we have each other’s back. We are friends first and the romance has blossomed and grown. The love we have for each other is so much sweeter than we ever could have expected because of the challenges and struggles we have each faced as we journeyed to this period of time.

So at the 1 year, 1 Month 1 day mark he asked me if I would be willing to jump into the mix with him, to face the struggles that a large blended family brings…he has kids, I have kids…and see what the future holds. He loves me, I love him…so I said YES! Yes, lets take WHATEVER THIS IS…to the next level and see what else God has in store for us.

Forgiveness

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes things hit you right between the eyes.

For me this is typically a sermon and means God is trying to teach me something.

Today the sermon at church hit me right between the eyes and is still really resounding with me.

The main thrust of what our pastor preached on today that I walked away with was FORGIVENESS.

Colossians 3: 12-14 was today’s passage:

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grieviances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

So kindness is showing goodness to others, humility is having an honest view of ourselves, gentleness is defined by not showing harshness but having consideration not causing pain but enduring, and patience is having a calm response and not being quick to anger. We need to bear with each other and forgive because God forgave us…and finally the pieces of this garment we are to wear is LOVE…which holds it all together like a belt.

I feel like these are all qualities that I try and practice on a daily basis. I try to go into each day showing these character qualities and being a person who is growing and demonstrating her faith. To show Jesus in my daily life as I serve Him. But there is a person in my life who makes this so very hard.

I was married for 21 years. I will be upfront and say that I was by no means a perfect wife. I made plenty of mistakes. I did things that I am ashamed of and created problems in my marriage that we had to work through…but as I grew as a person and in my Faith I realized my mistakes and worked diligently to correct mistakes, do better and be a good wife. However, the person I was married to stopped growing or was incapable of growth. He would make mistakes and shift the blame onto me and the kids, he would not see the growth and change only focus on the areas that were still lacking. There was a real double standard in our marriage…I was responsible for all mistakes, issues and problems and he was allowed to point them out but if I did the same in response then I was in the wrong or the table would be flipped. If I wanted to go and do things that would strengthen our marriage I was met with resistance and told that I wouldn’t be able to handle these marriage seminars because I would realize how good I had it and be disappointed. Nothing I did would ever be good enough and there was no way that I would ever rectify all my mistakes or issues. Growth and change…nope…if you said it 20 years ago it must still be true. The immaturity of our early life was the basis for our whole life and the idea that thoughts and processes grow and mature as you gain wisdom was laughable. I was made to be so much less…my job was not as important as his because I didn’t make as much money, my needs were only worthwhile to be met if I was also meeting his, helping around the house was not necessary for him because he worked. There was a lot of neglect, indifference and pain.

When you are in pain or being neglected you don’t always respond in appropriate ways. I often lashed out or acted in a reactive manner because I wasn’t being treated the way I wanted or needed to be. Wounds grow deep and it’s hard to move past them. These patterns over time become so ingrained in your family dynamic that you don’t even see the damage and abuse. You simply try harder to fix the problem but you never get to the root of the issue and you don’t work past it. You work so hard until finally there is nothing left in your spirit and you break. Break into a million pieces like a shattered piece of pottery.

I chose me…and my kids. I spoke up and said that I couldn’t do it anymore. I was willing to try and fix it but I wanted and needed change. The negative patterns we were in had to stop and new healthier ones had to be created…and he didn’t agree…to the fixing side…but he did agree to divorce. So here I am…2 years past the hardest period of my life. Things are good…God is Faithful and there is so much growth and yet…I’m struggling.

My ex has decided to interject himself into areas of my life where he is not welcome. He makes statements and demonstrates attitudes to try and hook me back in and make me feel small. He wants to be seen as something that he is not and in the process is very good at making me feel bad and like I am the crazy and toxic one. He lifts himself up by making me less. It’s a recurring pattern and one that I now recognize but still struggle with getting past.

So the sermon today really hit me…I have to show forgiveness. I have to show kindness, gentleness, humility and patience. I have to demonstrate that I do things in LOVE..and I don’t want to…I want to lash out and cause him the same levels of pain and hurt that he continually heaps on me. I want him to suffer and be miserable. I want him to regret everything he ever did that caused me pain and made me suffer. I know he doesn’t think he was that bad, that he was part of the problem…in his mind he was a good husband and father…he still is a good father. When put on paper though…he’s not. If you look at it in black and white it’s obvious to anyone that his perception is off.

This quote hit really hard today…
“Forgiveness is giving up my Right to hurt you or get even with you for hurting me.”

I have to give up my thoughts and feelings of seeking revenge and forgive the mistakes of the past. To forgive the hurtful and mean things that are stated, the lack of acknowledging my boundaries, and my right to get even.

The following also really resonated with me:

“Forgiveness does NOT excuse their behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying you”-anonymous

“Forgiving someone who tramautized us is necessary for Growth, but does not mean we have to stay in the realtionship or dynamic.”

Co parenting with someone who has deeply hurt you makes for challenges. Trying to be loving and demonstrate that you are a follower of Christ is also hard. My wounds are raw, my scars are fresh and my triggers are easily triggered. But I will not let bitterness and negativity find its way back into my spirit. I will show Forgiveness and I will grow and change and see the good that God has for me.

Slaying the Dragon

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Two years ago this month my life flipped upside down and backwards.

I had been struggling with thoughts and feelings for a long time and the pressure cooker of Covid became too much for me. I was angry, hurt and unhappy. I was drowning in chaos and pressure and trying to be perfect all the time in the hopes that I would be appreciated, seen and respected. I was full of anxiety and felt like everyone was always disappointed in me and that I was never ever good enough. My marriage was struggling…and I couldn’t even put my finger on why…I was trying so hard to be a good wife and mom and nothing I did was ever enough. I needed and wanted CHANGE…and so one day in the middle of an argument I snapped…screamed in the middle of a fight that I could not do it anymore…I want a Divorce. I still don’t know where those words came from…it was not on my mind, not something I wanted or believed in…it was a gut action response that I needed change and the only words that I thought I could use to make my husband finally hear me. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from life and so tired of pushing this giant snowball of emotions, pain, stress and expectations up this never ending mountain covered by boulders. I couldn’t do it anymore and I reacted, just wanted to finally be heard. I let go of the snowball…letting it roll over me and down the mountain…not caring what was going to happen and feeling a giant weight release as I said those dreaded words…I can’t do this anymore…I want a divorce.

Once you say those words…I want a divorce…there is a feeling of what now? There is shock, dismay, and if I am honest a feeling of release…but then huge and monumental fear…like what have I done? You and your spouse have 2 options…fix the problems and make changes or get divorced. I was willing to do option 1…fix the problems..he chose option 2…get divorced. So by the end of March 2021…I was divorced…my ex and I decided on who got what, wrote a parenting plan, worked on dividing stuff up, he moved out in August and paperwork was filed in November with everything completed by the end of March.

I started counseling 10 days after I yelled those dreaded words in May of 2020. I couldn’t believe what I had done…what I had said…I was wanting to fix the problem and was worried that it was all my fault. I let go of the snowball but picked up a backpack…and I filled it full of the boulders and rocks that I had been pushing against…GUILT… for saying I wanted a divorce…SHAME…that I couldn’t be a perfect wife…BLAME..this is all my fault…PAIN…why would I do this…STIGMA…look I’m another statistic…FEAR could I do this on my own…and I started carrying all these things around.

It’s taken almost 2 years for me to unload the backpack. I have worked so hard at trying to figure out who I am and why I do things the way I do. Counseling is compared to peeling an onion…you have to get through all the outer layers to find the reasons and meat of the issues in the center. I did a lot of peeling and trimming to find the root issues to my pain, my struggles and other things in my life. As I have worked on myself I have gained things…I have rediscovered parts of myself that I had pushed to the side, hidden from the world. I am learning to embrace being who I am and not letting others make me be less than who I am. I am content with being who I am and if you don’t like me that is on you and not on me. I have learned that I am okay by myself…I am a capable woman who can do big things. When I let go of the snowball and started making changes I began discovering that issues and struggles became less because deep down I learned what was my fault and what wasn’t my fault. I had put on blinders to so many things and when the blinders come off you learn so much and see so much more.

I viewed my ex- husband as this big smoking dragon…this force to be reckoned with and fear…but I’m learning he’s not as scary as I once thought. I’m my own knight in shining armor and if he can’t handle how amazing and wonderful I am then I don’t need to worry about what he thinks. I allowed his opinion of me to dictate my life for too long and as I get more mentally healthy I’m discovering that I am so much more than he ever appreciated or understood me to be.

I don’t believe that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. He does…so we depend on Him. I’m learning that with my big God on my side I can face anything that I come up against. Is it hard with lots of challenges? Yes…but I also have the confidence in seeing how God has worked in the past and how he will work in my future. Do I know what the future holds? Not yet…God is still revealing that to me but I don’t have to live in fear of my past and act like I am not the strong child of God that I am.

I’m learning to be the healthiest version of me…and you know what…I like her…

Triggered

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I’m in full on recovery mode this weekend.

I was triggered.

I’m fragile, tense, stressed and physically hurt.

I was Triggered.

My body remembers certain events and I haven’t completely worked through them all yet.

Because I was Triggered.

There is freedom and so many good things in my life…but I had to take a step back and deal with the feelings from the past.

Because I was Triggered.

I will NOT let this beat me…I will NOT be made small…It is NOT my responsibility…You may NOT do this to me…

I’m done with being Triggered…I will not let this ruin my life…YOU WILL NOT WIN!!!

I have FREEDOM…I have PEACE….I am STRONG…I am WORTHY…I have VALUE…I AM AMAZING!!!!!

You here that jerkface….I AM AMAZING…too bad you can’t see it.

You lost out….I’m better off without you so put your complaints, issues and blame game away….

I AM BIGGER than this and I AM TOO Much for you…

The Struggle

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Today my body reminded me of something that happened a year ago.

I woke up today and I have just been off. It’s been a struggle to just make it through the day. I’m tense, my neck is tight and my upper back is hurting. Little things that normally would not make me feel bad are huge and my feelings are fragile. I’m struggling.

Today is the 1 year anniversary of going to court and having the judge end my marriage. Today a year ago was super stressful and full of anguish, stress and relief all mixed into a big bag of regret and pain.

Divorce hurts…there is no way around it.

Divorce makes you question everything…and whether the divorce was needed or necessary there are so many big feelings and issues that go along with divorce. Divorce is a stigma in Christian culture and often treated as the world’s biggest sin. Divorce makes you question everything under a microscope and sometimes the things you see are ugly and hurtful and cause pain. Divorce brings change…change to relationship, change to your psyche, change to what you value or want, and divorce can also be the thing in your life that you didn’t know you needed.

Some relationships are toxic and unhealthy. An unhealthy relationship is like a cancer in the body and it destroys the spirit. It drives you to a place where you can’t see anything positive and the negativity makes you despair. You wear blinders and can’t see the truth for anything and you make so many excuses. So many excuses and chances in the hopes that there will be change.

Change is what I wanted. I had to change what was happening in my life. I stopped pushing the giant snowball up the mountain that just got longer and harder and heavier. I let go and let the pieces fall and the avalanche of snow topple down the mountain.

The clean up from the avalanche is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. There is so much that I have had to unearth, sort through and see. My blinders are off, I see reality for what it is and what it wasn’t when I was pushing and trying to be all things to everyone.

However there is beauty in the ashes…wounds are healing and while there are scars they are becoming more of the background of the story and not the forefront. There is joy in the little things…smiles and laughter and fun. Things are looking more positive, and there is HOPE.

God has met me where I am…He brings people into my life who love me…he tells me that I have Value and WORTH…he sees me for who I am, the wonderful person he created me to be. He has met every need and I have more than I need. There is joy with my boys as we create an environment that works for us…there are challenges but God meets me and helps me find the best tools and path for us.

The body remembers the trauma and stress but the mind can be set free and while today may be hard…there is joy in the morning so I will sit with the grief of today and be aware but I won’t let it rewrite my life.

Lone

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aka…what I am feeling as I am now the only everyday parent to 2 boys with lots of challenges and needs…

I’m currently sitting in my kitchen on a work day. I don’t usually sit in my kitchen on a work day…I’m supposed to be at work. I was at work…and then I got the text on my phone that my child is sick. I hate those phone calls. So I let my boss know…and today its okay…they can get me out of my room easily and can figure out how to cover everything…that’s not always the case.

I’ve been thinking about the parenting dynamic of my life recently. Yes, I am a single Mom…have been since September 2020..I am the custodial parent…have been since the end of March 2021…but in reality I have been the LONE parent for the majority of my children’s lives…and I have been a parent for 21 years.

What does it mean to be the LONE parent? It means that I am the one who takes care and figures everything out in relation to the children. I am the one who has gone to every doctor’s appointment, every parent teacher conference, every meeting, every activity everything that I can possibly and physically make. Where is the other parent? Well, he comes when it suits him, when he can’t use something else as an excuse, when he’s well rested and not overly tired, or when his not coming and helping makes him look bad. I am fine with excusing things when you have scheduled things at work, when there is a genuine schedule conflict but there are times when you need to be much more available and step in and help.

I hate that I have to figure out everything…

I hate the thought that I can just let him know what’s going on instead of him taking an active interest in things.

I hate that there is always and excuse or reason for him to yet again not step up and help.

I’m tired of being told how HARD his visits are and that 3 hours is just a long time.

I’m tired of him not caring how HARD mothering HIS children is on ME.

These kids are 50% his DNA…he’s their dad. I didn’t make them myself…and they are boys so that is not in my genetic ability…and yet I am their safe place. I am their caregiver, I am the one they want to be around and who they look for when they are struggling and sad.

I hate the assumption that I will do it better because he doesn’t want or need to do more as long as he covers their medical costs(which are significant) and child support.

I hate the fact that he thinks that 3 hours every other weekend is giving me “a break”.

I HATE being the Lone parent…I would much rather Co-Parent…but right now…I don’t have that option.

However being a Lone Parent doesn’t mean that I am ALONE…

I am grateful for encouragement from others as I walk along this journey.

I am thankful for cards and notes from people who want to support me in tangible ways.

I am grateful for people who listen and encourage and give me hugs and tell me that they love me.

I am appreciative of those who step in and meet me where I am.

And I have a BIG GOD on my side who help to bear my burden and brings me encouragement and love. You never know how Strong you are until that is the only thing you have to be.

4 am

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It’s 4 am and I’m awake…

I should be sleeping.

It’s 4 am and I am awake…I’m awake because of the stupid disease that affects my son. Type 1 Diabetes doesn’t have a time table. Alerts wake me up at night and it’s hard to go back to sleep.

It’s 4 am and I’m awake…I’m awake because autism effects sleep and little boys need their Mama’s in the middle of the night and Mom’s wake up and comfort and provide and then you can’t go back to sleep.

It’s 4 am and I’m awake…I’m awake because I can’t turn off my brain…I continue to wrap my mind around so many things…some good, some bad, some needed, some not needed, some wanted, some unsure.

It’s 4 am and I’m awake…I want to sleep…I need to sleep…I’m so tired.

I’m tired from doing everything that I have to do because it’s just me.

I’m tired because I’m divorced and single and I have to shoulder my load and figure out how to fit all the pieces that could be carried by another into my schedule and make it all happen.

I’m tired because I have small children and I work with small children and everyone has needs.

I’m tired because not all of my needs are getting met because there are only so many hours in the day and sometimes you have to push things to the side because there just isn’t time.

I’m tired because I’m wound of up so tight that it’s impossible to relax at times.

I’m tired because I overthink…because in the past if I didn’t and something happened the wrong way I would be scrambling and now I don’t know how to not overthink even when I don’t want to be overthinking…

I’m tired…and It’s 4 am…and I’m awake.