I am 100% an overthinker.

I overthink everything…and when I’m tired or stressed my overthinking kicks into high gear and I get lost in this head space where I almost feel trapped. I’m trapped by my thought patterns and my feelings of am I doing enough, am I helping enough, am I meeting the needs of those around me…am I being selfish if I want time for me? These thoughts start like a hamster wheel and I jump on and before I know it I am trapped in what feels like a never ending cycle.

In the past I would do everything in my power to fix the situation of what I am overthinking about…to the detriment of me and my family. I would dive into my work also and work extra hard to be the best teacher to make my classroom shine and be seen as the best. I want the acknowledgment of being good at what I do. I want to be the best person at everything…I want to be the best wife, mother, teacher, friend, and if I’m not or see myself as less worthy I feel like I am worthless or undeserving of good things and rest. I have to earn the right to rest…but that’s wrong thinking…I don’t have to earn the right to rest or take breaks…I don’t have to kill myself and be busy all the time to be worthy of love, affection or attention.

It’s amazing how quickly you can fall back into toxic thinking and habits. For 21 years I was told that I didn’t do enough, that I wasn’t supportive enough, that I wasn’t good enough…and I believed it. Unless I was functioning at 100% all the time and doing all the things and meeting all the needs and basically being perfect…then I was deserving of love, time and good things…otherwise there wasn’t a point to it or it was a waste of time. I don’t always know how to feel comfortable in my own home and space…I feel like there is a judgement team out there always waiting to drop in and see all the things I haven’t done and the places where its’ not quite good enough and that is the focus instead of all the ways and efforts of things that are good and nice and tidy. My house is not perfect but it’s also not super messy or dirty. I am cleaning and maintaining the spaces…I’m able to function and so are the other members of the family. It’s not my job to do all the things and be responsible for all the things…our family is a partnership, a team effort and everyone needs to contribute and do their part.

So what’s the point of all of this…I don’t know. Part of my healing process has been learning to recognize the patterns and areas where I get hung up and recognize that I have value and worth outside of the things I do and contribute to the family…simply for being who I am. Sometimes it’s a easy time and other times like right now I struggle with feeling like I don’t do enough or bring enough to the table…I don’t hold others to levels of expectation that I place on myself and I can’t figure out why I can’t see the positive contributions that I bring to situations.

I told my counselor once that I view perfect as being life is easy….so I strive for perfection in the hopes that if I meet it life will be easy. So if anything is less than perfect then I must be failing because if I was perfect than it would be easy and I wouldn’t be struggling…and that’s not how life works…we struggle, we adapt, we change and we grow….and this is part of my growth process…recognizing that I don’t have to be perfect for life to not be a struggle…to see that I bring value and have worth outside of what I do and that people like me even when I don’t feel like they should or would.

Writing is cathartic and helps me process the parts of me that are hard to explain…so thank you for reading and understanding my thoughts processes as I work through the healing and growth struggles that come from rebuilding your life after living in a toxic and emotionally damaging space for many years. Building a new life is gratifying but comes with unexpected places that put you back into negative patterns that are familiar but not desired…thankfully I see the negatives now and am working on negotiating them in a healthy and positive manner.