The end of February has kicked the pants out from under me.

On the marriage front life is easy. My husband and I are figuring out life together, enjoying being together as a couple and learning how to love each other well. We both had struggles in our first marriages and are finding that we are actually pretty good spouses to each other…and we work. We still look at each other and shake our heads in disbelief frequently because when we first started communicating and reconnecting neither one of us thought or expected to end up here…and we work well together. We talk, we laugh, we support, we enjoy. It’s working and we like it…but we still find it a little bit mind baffling.

Blending a family…that’s a challenge. We are struggling with finding a good rhythm to the family. My kids live with us full time as their dad lives 600 miles away. His kids live with us one night a week and every other weekend. They live with their mom…4 miles away…and yet we struggle…they are not here enough for us to build good routines and consistency to our family schedule. Sometimes when you co parent with someone you are able to have good communication and other times the communication makes you want to pull your hair out and you are struggling. It’s a period of being on the struggle bus…to the point that we have had to go to court to try and finalize the parenting plan and have a ruling that is more fair. I’m not weighing in on the marriage or the issues that were had before me but I have opinions over what we are facing now. We have things that we desire for our family that we are in and when you work with a person who sees things from a differing perspective and point of view and is not willing to either keep their nose out of our business and let us do our jobs or is shifting blame and accusing us of things its a struggle to be nice and not get mean or petty.

I feel bad for all the kids. My kids struggle with not treating the bonus siblings as guests or interlopers. They are very comfortable here because it’s their home…the bonus siblings are here about 10 days each month…and that’s not a lot of time…and I feel bad for the bonus kids because they feel like they are living out of suitcases…and I don’t know how to fix it. I’m also struggling with the way the bonus kids operate and function and listen because they do things differently than me and they are teenagers and I have things that work with my kids…and they are in my home but they are not my kids. They also don’t always like the boundaries and rules that we have that are different from their other house so there is disagreements and arguments…and that’s a struggle for me to keep a positive attitude and mindset when I just want to give up.

Add on top of everything my older children are going through some life changes and big moves and that has been a hard experience for me. I thought that both kids would be moving to NY and that they would live separate from me…but my second born isn’t ready to launch like that…he needs a smaller jump…one closer to where we live…he’s capable but struggling with it…so he is back from NY and going to be getting a job here and moving into an apartment closer to us so that he can still be around his little brothers and near family which he feels like he needs. It was a rough period and I don’t fully believe he gave it a big enough shot but I have to support and help him grow so we will do it a different way.

Motherhood is challenging…large gap parenting is extra challenging. I have to be available to support and guide from a distance the 2 that are adults…which sometimes means I keep my mouth shut and just listen. Other times I have to be a sounding board for the challenges and struggles that they are having and give advice whether they like hearing it or not. It’s a more mental side of mothering. Then I have the 2 that live with me who are minors…and they each have their challenges. We have Autism from the youngest and Type 1 diabetes and anxiety issues from the almost teenager. So we have behavior challenges and struggles and blood sugar issues, and teenage hormones…and sometimes I think I may explode from the challenges of it all.

I also wasn’t prepared for how being the Stepmother makes me feel. There is a lot of stigma in the world about the role of the Stepmother. Sometimes I feel like my rules, needs or desires don’t matter. The kids don’t feel like they need another mother…they have a mother and I am a different dynamic than their mom. They have one set of rules or expectations at their mom’s house and I have different rules and expectations at my house. I have boundaries that my kids know and respect and they have different boundaries and they can think my boundaries are limiting or mean. There is also a feeling of where do I fit…they have a lot of memories that don’t involve me and since they are older they don’t necessarily want to build new memories with their Dad when I am there…I’m the interloper, the outsider and I brought a whole lot of people with me and that can make for an us vs them situation….on both sides. I have read from the experts that it can take 3-7 years for families to feel fully blended…and the kids are teenagers…so it’s a race against time…and exes…and situations…and behaviors…and sometimes you just want to ask if it is worth it. I know it will be worth it…but it’s a challenge…and we are only about 8 months in to this whole life adventure but sometimes I feel discouraged.

So we are starting a new month…one with new challenges and items on the horizon and I will take the challenges and struggles as they come but I will be honest…I’m hoping its a little bit easier moving forward then the past month.