Month: January 2024

Flipping the Script

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

One thing people do not prepare you for when you leave a toxic or stressful relationship is how sometimes your former partner triggers you and you are thrust back into the emotions and feelings you used to live under for years and periods of time. I’ve been triggered and it has caused a rush of unwanted feelings, emotions and struggles. 

My ex husband and I have had to be talking more recently. We are finishing up the very long process of separating all the things that weren’t an issue or a problem when I lived nearby and he saw the boys more frequently. Things like Sam’s Club memberships, Amazon Prime linked accounts and phone plans. I’m merging my life more and more with my new husband and we are figuring out our life and so the final things are happening( things I have wanted to do for years but never pushed to keep the peace). In this process my ex has reminded me of reasons why we are no longer together as a couple. He has been triggering and said things that don’t need to be discussed and has treated me in a negative way. It has in some ways thrown me backward into the negative feelings and thought patterns that I lived under for a long time. It’s not my favorite head space to be in and I’m struggling. 

I’m very thankful for the Man who God has brought into my life. The Man that tells me that he is thankful for me. The man that appreciates the little things I do as his wife. The man who has been stepping up and doing extra things for me that make me feel loved and appreciated. The man who holds me and comforts me when I feel low or small. The man that shows me in the little ways that he loves me and he is encouraging me to be gentle with myself. The man who respects me and understands my boundaries. It’s nice and weird all at the same time. When you aren’t used to being treated in this manner you wonder when the other shoe is going to drop…it feels to good to be true…it feels like you are waiting for the mask to fall off and the man underneath to be revealed…but there isn’t a mask, he’s genuinely a good guy and there is no catch to him wanting to help you. And then there is a sadness that comes with it…like why didn’t I get this all the time…why didn’t we connect a long time ago and save both of us so much heartache and grief…but I can’t answer these questions….I just have to trust that God is bigger, wiser and more aware of the greater plan. I’m thankful that I have it now. I can also take time and figure out the best ways to move forward in a way that is healthy and good for me. All in all I’m definitely moving forward even if sometime I feel like I’m taking a few too many steps backward. 

5 Years

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Five years ago today I was trying desperately to figure out what was wrong with my third kid. He was lethargic, he had lost 10 pounds really rapidly and he didn’t have 10 pounds to spare, he was just off. There was something wrong but nothing that I could put my finger on. I was just worried and not sure what the the next step to take should be. I sent him to school that Wednesday and around the end of the day I got a call from the school nurse…and she wanted to let me know that he had been in her office, taken a nap and was just not feeling well. He didn’t have a fever or any major symptoms but he was saying that his throat hurt and his tummy was bothering him and she wanted to give me a heads up! Finally I had an idea of what it could be…STREP! I made arrangements with my boss, got off work a little bit early and made an appointment at the local minute clinic as I was after normal business hours for our family doctor! We were going to get a diagnosis and he would start feeling better…little did I know we would get a diagnosis…just not of strep…something else, something bigger. 

The minute clinic nurse practitioner saved my son’s life that night…she went over his symptoms, listened to my concerns and point blank told me that she didn’t think it was strep or a virus…it’s more serious than that…she did the strep test…it was negative, she looked him over and then got out a Blood Glucose Meter and did a simple finger stick…which then read HIGH. I made her do a finger stick on me…I was at 92…normal range…and then she did it again…and it was again HIGH. She told me…he has to go to the Children’s Hospital tonight…its extremely serious and he needs immediate care. I called my best friend who is a nurse and asked for her advice and recommendation for which hospital we should go to and she agreed that he needed immediate care and said we should go to the downtown hospital. 

We discovered that he does in fact have Type 1 Diabetes. His blood sugar at admittance was 530 and he had ketones of 5.9…full blown DKA diabetic ketoacidosis. We were admitted and spent 2 nights in the hospital learning about diabetes. After you are released the real learning begins and you are taught how to do everything…carb count, give insulin, check blood sugar, check ketones, all the ins and outs…it’s so much information that they don’t teach it all at once…we had a second class about 2 weeks later where we learned more. We have since gotten a CGM(continuous glucose monitor), pump and learned the best ways to track his symptoms, carbs and stuff.

So today we are celebrating his Diaversary…this is a term in the diabetes community where you celebrate another year of kicking diabetes butt and staying alive! Since it’s his 5 year diaversary we are having cake and being thankful for my son and another year of life…it’s not his birthday but it’s an important milestone to celebrate! Thankful for all the ups and downs, all the learning that has happened and for the gift of life!

Grace

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Something I’m learning through my healing and journey of rediscovering who I am is the idea of giving myself GRACE…

I grew up with the self imposed idea that woman can do everything, be everything and accomplish whatever they put their mind to…and yes I am capable and able to do a lot but I am not Wonder Woman and I have limits that I am starting to recognize and embrace. 

I’m a high energy take charge type of person and I will make a to do list that is longer than it should be and then I feel defeated if I don’t accomplish everything on the list…even if it’s not realistic. So to give myself Grace…I make a list of the things I want to accomplish over 5-7 days and it’s much more manageable.

In my first marriage I felt that if I didn’t accomplish a goal or make progress on stuff then I was failing and looking like I was being lazy…and in the process I worked myself up and was always wound up so that I would almost tick…and I was married to someone who saw all the things I didn’t do rather than the stuff I accomplished. My new husband sees the effort and appreciates that I have obstacles or challenges with kids in the house and sees the little things I do…and it makes me feel appreciated and loved…he also comments on things that I see as no big deal and it makes me appreciate that my efforts are seen.

Today is a gloomy and rainy day. It’s chilly, there is a darkness and this leads to wanting to hibernate…and so I kinda am. I’m accomplishing chores and tasks but I’m not killing myself to get stuff done…if I want to write, or read, or watch a documentary I am giving myself the time and space to do that. The me of the past would be beating herself up right now…giving me a guilt trip for not being extra productive…to be conquering the new year…kicking down doors and taking names on some resolutions…and I’m not her…at least not today.

So I’m learning that trying to do it all, accomplish everything and wearing myself out in the process is counter productive. We live a busy life with a lot of people and if I need a break I should take it…I’m not being lazy if I only get 6 things on a list of 12 things…but rather I’m done with half of them and I will have more time tomorrow. 

I read an article about explaining to kiddos the difference between “Maintenance” and Chores. Maintenance is doing the little tasks that need to be accomplished in a day and a chore is something that you put gloves on or get out major tools and items to accomplish. Maintenance needs to be done daily but some chores can wait…and that’s where I am today…I’m doing those Maintenance items that need to be accomplished but the major chores can wait…and that’s okay. This article was very eye opening to me as I tend to lump everything together and then feel like I’m not doing enough because I only did the maintenance items…but the maintenance items are important and keep our household running.  

I’ve also learned that doing things that matter and bring me joy or solace is as important as accomplishing a to do list and it’s okay to take time for things that are not “important”. I’m giving myself Grace and learning to be more comfortable and okay with not being perfect or some fake constructed idea of how things have to be…it’s a learning curve and journey but one I’m learning day by day.

Thoughts on a New Year

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

The New Year is a good time to reflect, think and ponder about all the things that have happened the previous year and all the things you may want to happen differently in the coming year.

To be honest 2023 was a good year for me full of lots of good and big things. I got engaged, eloped, and moved across the country! We started the process of blending 2 families…which has been a whole different experience. I was able to really relax and not worry about working but focus mainly on being a mom. I have discovered that I enjoy cooking so much more when there is someone who truly enjoys the effort and care you put into the food you make. Having someone be appreciative of the little ways you help and who tells and shows you and equally helps with the process of making a home and family experience is amazing. 

There have been some challenges and adjustments that I am still getting used. I’m very comfortable with my own children. We have routines and structures that work for us…and blending into a new family has been challenging. My bonus kids also are not here as much as my kids are with us so the dynamic with 4 or 5 is a lot easier than with 7 or 8…depending on which adult children are around…if we are all here together than its 9 people…and that’s a large number of personalities, appetites and opinions. There is the issue of having enough space so that when people need a break or some quiet time there are options…thankfully we live in a large house with good spaces but at times it can be quite overwhelming. There also is defining my role as “bonus” Mom…my bonus kiddos have a Mom and live with her and trying to not jump immediately into Mom mode for the situations that primarily involve them is challenging. Also trying to figure out where appropriate boundaries are and when I need to help my husband parent and when I need to take a step back and let him do what he needs to is a new dynamic as well.

My boys have adjusted to our move but my third son really struggled with the whole process. He had a harder time adjusting to middle school than I expected and then the difficulty of being the new kid caused him to have his anxiety really spiral out of control. His diabetes can become an issue when he’s stressed and we have had a lot of vomiting issues and stomach troubles. Thankfully he is in an upswing and through good care from our Doctors he is doing better with his diabetic control and he is on a medicine which helps with his anxiety and I’m seeing more and more of my normal kiddo and not the angry kid I first saw a lot of after our move. The youngest is doing well as long as the routine is pretty set and standard…autism is challenging and his behaviors at school can be a struggle but we are continually working to try and help him thrive. 

So looking ahead…what does 2024 look like for us? Only God actually knows but I have some things that I want to work on and see happen in the the upcoming year.

I want to choose the adventures…go places, see things and experience things. My life for a long time was very small and I didn’t go places but I’m looking forward to getting to know a new city where we live and the beautiful parks and scenery around the part of the country where we live. I’m not going to let us be content with just being boring.

I want to choose love…to be present with my kids, to be the wife that my husband needs, to paint our home in love and grace…to have my kids feel comfortable and know that they are welcome no matter what! This goes for all the kiddos…not just mine but our whole big Bonus nest.

I want to stand up for what I deserve. Too often I find myself being a people pleaser and trying to make everyone else comfortable that in the process so that I’m well liked or accepted. However that only makes me a doormat and I’m not going to allow others to treat me as less or like I’m not worthy of time and attention. 

I want to continue to grow…I have been on a growth journey the last few years and I am not content to start to be stagnate or to limit my growth potential. I’m seeking and looking for good ways to make our home a healthy and happy place and to bring the good out of everyone so that we are growing and developing together.