I’ve been on a journey for just over 2 years now. It’s been the hardest, longest, exhausting and amazing thing I have ever done. Counseling is HARD…it’s hard to look at yourself and try and see yourself for who you really are. To unpack the pieces of a puzzle and try and get them to all fit together so you can finally see the big picture.

When I yelled during a fight that I wanted a divorce I was shocked, appalled and dismayed. I believe in Marriage. I believe that God created Marriage and that a loving marriage is honoring and pleasing to Him. I believe that 2 people should be partners and strive and work together to create something that is good, pleasing and pleasant. It’s God’s design for 2 people to work together, to build one another up and to make a life together. Will there be challenges and struggles, yes…will there be parts that you don’t like…of course but ultimately your marriage should be your safe space, a place where you feel accepted, loved and wanted. A place where you can be yourself and not feel like you have to be something you are not. A comfortable place that is HOME…and mine wasn’t. As hard as I tried, as hard as I worked and wanted it to be that way it wasn’t. I was never good enough, I never did enough, I never appreciated him or supported him the way he wanted. I could spend all day cleaning or working on a project and instead of a compliment I would get a BUT…something wasn’t good enough, or there was something more I could have done. My plans were never as important as his, my dreams were never a priority, my projects could wait…but I had to drop everything to make sure his stuff happened. And I did a lot, because if I didn’t I was criticized, belittled or made small…and who wants that. My needs and wants were met in part but never fully because I was being too extra, or it was too much money or it just isn’t necessary. Little by little I became less…until I was just a shell of the woman I wanted to be. I was nervous and worried anytime that anyone would question me or ask me to do something because I didn’t know if they would like what I would do. I’m normally a very confident person and I lost my confidence. I began to doubt my abilities and worth based on the opinion of someone.

I stood up for myself and demanded Change…and here we are. There have been some big changes. And they are good changes. I’ve unpacked so many layers that I have buried over time. I realize that I made mistakes…I’m far from perfect but this doesn’t mean I am bad or evil, or unworthy…it means I’m human. I’m allowed to make mistakes and not feel like I am dooming my family. I’m an amazing person who does things daily that are hard and frustrating and I work hard and I meet so many needs of others often without getting mine met and I’m capable and loved. People love me. My kids love me, my family loves me, the children in my classroom love me, my church loves me. And GOD LOVES ME.

GOD LOVES ME.

God is in control of all things…and sometimes I forget that. As I have gone through this healing journey God has shown me over and over again how much He Loves Me. When my former spouse decided that I would keep the house for the kids and started the process of filling out our paperwork I prayed and asked God that if it was a good thing for me to keep the house that I would need him to show me how I would be able to deal with issues we were having with the roof and other cosmetic things. Within 3 days of me praying that prayer there was a roofing company in the area who were looking at a neighbors roof who saw that I had a few missing shingles and thought that they might be able to help…and I got a new roof that summer. My children have never gone hungry, I have not been unable to pay my bills and my work has been very accommodating to my scheduling issues. God is Faithful to me and my family.

Healing hurts though…as you begin to heal you experience sadness and pain because you realize that the things you once tolerated and thought of as good were not as good as they should have been. You realize just how much you gave up to keep the peace and keep the facade in place. You realize that you should have received and been given so much more than you were not because you deserve them but because its basic human to human goodness. I unpacked a big item in my healing journey in the last 10 days and right now I’m working through the sadness of it all. So I’m sitting with my feelings, eating more ice cream and cheese than I probably should and letting the emotions be part of me. I suppressed emotions for a long time and I’m not doing that anymore. These feelings are valid and need to be processed but I’m using them like a stepping stone, not a stumbling block, they won’t keep me from my goals or moving forward.

Most of all I’m thankful. Thankful for the lessons, the pain, the trials, the awakening. I’m thankful for the people and impact that others have on me. I’m so thankful for my kids and the way that they love me. And I’m thankful that as I’m healing God is revealing more and more how much He loves me and the plans that He has in store for me. I’m not sure what my future holds but I know who holds my future. So I will continue to heal, continue to grow and continue to wait in expectation of what may happen next.