Month: September 2022

Healing

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I’ve been on a journey for just over 2 years now. It’s been the hardest, longest, exhausting and amazing thing I have ever done. Counseling is HARD…it’s hard to look at yourself and try and see yourself for who you really are. To unpack the pieces of a puzzle and try and get them to all fit together so you can finally see the big picture.

When I yelled during a fight that I wanted a divorce I was shocked, appalled and dismayed. I believe in Marriage. I believe that God created Marriage and that a loving marriage is honoring and pleasing to Him. I believe that 2 people should be partners and strive and work together to create something that is good, pleasing and pleasant. It’s God’s design for 2 people to work together, to build one another up and to make a life together. Will there be challenges and struggles, yes…will there be parts that you don’t like…of course but ultimately your marriage should be your safe space, a place where you feel accepted, loved and wanted. A place where you can be yourself and not feel like you have to be something you are not. A comfortable place that is HOME…and mine wasn’t. As hard as I tried, as hard as I worked and wanted it to be that way it wasn’t. I was never good enough, I never did enough, I never appreciated him or supported him the way he wanted. I could spend all day cleaning or working on a project and instead of a compliment I would get a BUT…something wasn’t good enough, or there was something more I could have done. My plans were never as important as his, my dreams were never a priority, my projects could wait…but I had to drop everything to make sure his stuff happened. And I did a lot, because if I didn’t I was criticized, belittled or made small…and who wants that. My needs and wants were met in part but never fully because I was being too extra, or it was too much money or it just isn’t necessary. Little by little I became less…until I was just a shell of the woman I wanted to be. I was nervous and worried anytime that anyone would question me or ask me to do something because I didn’t know if they would like what I would do. I’m normally a very confident person and I lost my confidence. I began to doubt my abilities and worth based on the opinion of someone.

I stood up for myself and demanded Change…and here we are. There have been some big changes. And they are good changes. I’ve unpacked so many layers that I have buried over time. I realize that I made mistakes…I’m far from perfect but this doesn’t mean I am bad or evil, or unworthy…it means I’m human. I’m allowed to make mistakes and not feel like I am dooming my family. I’m an amazing person who does things daily that are hard and frustrating and I work hard and I meet so many needs of others often without getting mine met and I’m capable and loved. People love me. My kids love me, my family loves me, the children in my classroom love me, my church loves me. And GOD LOVES ME.

GOD LOVES ME.

God is in control of all things…and sometimes I forget that. As I have gone through this healing journey God has shown me over and over again how much He Loves Me. When my former spouse decided that I would keep the house for the kids and started the process of filling out our paperwork I prayed and asked God that if it was a good thing for me to keep the house that I would need him to show me how I would be able to deal with issues we were having with the roof and other cosmetic things. Within 3 days of me praying that prayer there was a roofing company in the area who were looking at a neighbors roof who saw that I had a few missing shingles and thought that they might be able to help…and I got a new roof that summer. My children have never gone hungry, I have not been unable to pay my bills and my work has been very accommodating to my scheduling issues. God is Faithful to me and my family.

Healing hurts though…as you begin to heal you experience sadness and pain because you realize that the things you once tolerated and thought of as good were not as good as they should have been. You realize just how much you gave up to keep the peace and keep the facade in place. You realize that you should have received and been given so much more than you were not because you deserve them but because its basic human to human goodness. I unpacked a big item in my healing journey in the last 10 days and right now I’m working through the sadness of it all. So I’m sitting with my feelings, eating more ice cream and cheese than I probably should and letting the emotions be part of me. I suppressed emotions for a long time and I’m not doing that anymore. These feelings are valid and need to be processed but I’m using them like a stepping stone, not a stumbling block, they won’t keep me from my goals or moving forward.

Most of all I’m thankful. Thankful for the lessons, the pain, the trials, the awakening. I’m thankful for the people and impact that others have on me. I’m so thankful for my kids and the way that they love me. And I’m thankful that as I’m healing God is revealing more and more how much He loves me and the plans that He has in store for me. I’m not sure what my future holds but I know who holds my future. So I will continue to heal, continue to grow and continue to wait in expectation of what may happen next.

Forgiveness

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Sometimes things hit you right between the eyes.

For me this is typically a sermon and means God is trying to teach me something.

Today the sermon at church hit me right between the eyes and is still really resounding with me.

The main thrust of what our pastor preached on today that I walked away with was FORGIVENESS.

Colossians 3: 12-14 was today’s passage:

“Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grieviances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

So kindness is showing goodness to others, humility is having an honest view of ourselves, gentleness is defined by not showing harshness but having consideration not causing pain but enduring, and patience is having a calm response and not being quick to anger. We need to bear with each other and forgive because God forgave us…and finally the pieces of this garment we are to wear is LOVE…which holds it all together like a belt.

I feel like these are all qualities that I try and practice on a daily basis. I try to go into each day showing these character qualities and being a person who is growing and demonstrating her faith. To show Jesus in my daily life as I serve Him. But there is a person in my life who makes this so very hard.

I was married for 21 years. I will be upfront and say that I was by no means a perfect wife. I made plenty of mistakes. I did things that I am ashamed of and created problems in my marriage that we had to work through…but as I grew as a person and in my Faith I realized my mistakes and worked diligently to correct mistakes, do better and be a good wife. However, the person I was married to stopped growing or was incapable of growth. He would make mistakes and shift the blame onto me and the kids, he would not see the growth and change only focus on the areas that were still lacking. There was a real double standard in our marriage…I was responsible for all mistakes, issues and problems and he was allowed to point them out but if I did the same in response then I was in the wrong or the table would be flipped. If I wanted to go and do things that would strengthen our marriage I was met with resistance and told that I wouldn’t be able to handle these marriage seminars because I would realize how good I had it and be disappointed. Nothing I did would ever be good enough and there was no way that I would ever rectify all my mistakes or issues. Growth and change…nope…if you said it 20 years ago it must still be true. The immaturity of our early life was the basis for our whole life and the idea that thoughts and processes grow and mature as you gain wisdom was laughable. I was made to be so much less…my job was not as important as his because I didn’t make as much money, my needs were only worthwhile to be met if I was also meeting his, helping around the house was not necessary for him because he worked. There was a lot of neglect, indifference and pain.

When you are in pain or being neglected you don’t always respond in appropriate ways. I often lashed out or acted in a reactive manner because I wasn’t being treated the way I wanted or needed to be. Wounds grow deep and it’s hard to move past them. These patterns over time become so ingrained in your family dynamic that you don’t even see the damage and abuse. You simply try harder to fix the problem but you never get to the root of the issue and you don’t work past it. You work so hard until finally there is nothing left in your spirit and you break. Break into a million pieces like a shattered piece of pottery.

I chose me…and my kids. I spoke up and said that I couldn’t do it anymore. I was willing to try and fix it but I wanted and needed change. The negative patterns we were in had to stop and new healthier ones had to be created…and he didn’t agree…to the fixing side…but he did agree to divorce. So here I am…2 years past the hardest period of my life. Things are good…God is Faithful and there is so much growth and yet…I’m struggling.

My ex has decided to interject himself into areas of my life where he is not welcome. He makes statements and demonstrates attitudes to try and hook me back in and make me feel small. He wants to be seen as something that he is not and in the process is very good at making me feel bad and like I am the crazy and toxic one. He lifts himself up by making me less. It’s a recurring pattern and one that I now recognize but still struggle with getting past.

So the sermon today really hit me…I have to show forgiveness. I have to show kindness, gentleness, humility and patience. I have to demonstrate that I do things in LOVE..and I don’t want to…I want to lash out and cause him the same levels of pain and hurt that he continually heaps on me. I want him to suffer and be miserable. I want him to regret everything he ever did that caused me pain and made me suffer. I know he doesn’t think he was that bad, that he was part of the problem…in his mind he was a good husband and father…he still is a good father. When put on paper though…he’s not. If you look at it in black and white it’s obvious to anyone that his perception is off.

This quote hit really hard today…
“Forgiveness is giving up my Right to hurt you or get even with you for hurting me.”

I have to give up my thoughts and feelings of seeking revenge and forgive the mistakes of the past. To forgive the hurtful and mean things that are stated, the lack of acknowledging my boundaries, and my right to get even.

The following also really resonated with me:

“Forgiveness does NOT excuse their behavior. Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying you”-anonymous

“Forgiving someone who tramautized us is necessary for Growth, but does not mean we have to stay in the realtionship or dynamic.”

Co parenting with someone who has deeply hurt you makes for challenges. Trying to be loving and demonstrate that you are a follower of Christ is also hard. My wounds are raw, my scars are fresh and my triggers are easily triggered. But I will not let bitterness and negativity find its way back into my spirit. I will show Forgiveness and I will grow and change and see the good that God has for me.