I’m feeling triggered and needing to be gentle on myself tonight. I’m dealing with a lot of big feelings and struggling emotions.

There are 2 holidays that hit me harder than any other holiday during the calendar year. Tomorrow is one of them. They are Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.

Mother’s Day is hard for me…I struggle a lot. My former spouse did not put a lot of value into Mother’s Day when we were married. Little to no effort was made to honor me as the Mother of his children. It was hit or miss yearly on whether I would be a priority for Mother’s Day or not. He has said to me “You’re not my mother, that’s for the kids to do” and then not taught them how to honor me as their Mom. I’m a good mom, I try my best daily and I love my kids more than anything but when you are not treated well on a day set aside for Mom’s it hurts…and it leaves a deep wound. This year I received no recognition by my children’s other parent that I am a Mom or do a good job with his kids…nothing…and it hurt.

On the flip side…Father’s Day is extremely difficult for me. As a person who enjoys words of affirmation and being praised I want to show the Father of my children that he is respected, loved and appreciated…but he is not a good parent. Fatherhood is a struggle for him…he is a good provider but little else…he is not a dad…he is a parent…but not a Dad. When you need to honor or praise someone who is not a good parent it’s hard. And I did affirm him…and try to get the kids to do things for him and try but he didn’t and doesn’t care about Father’s Day…or Mother’s Day or any holiday really.

It’s hard to co-parent with someone who views his children as an afterthought. When you are repeatedly told by the other parent that it’s too hard, too difficult or that they “work” so they can’t be available to help or do anything extra its hard. Our current parenting schedule gives me 6 hours a month without my children when they are in the care of their dad…together. He does pick up the youngest daily and watches him till I get home from work but that’s not “me” time…it’s me being at work and then commuting home. If I need additional time or stuff its a hassle to get him to watch them and if I’m even the slightest bit late its a phone call.

Expectations are so hard…and when expectations are not even remotely met you go numb. When you go numb you repress your feelings and emotions. Then when you wake up and start to heal…you relive the hurt, the pain, the feelings of never measuring up or being made small. When you want to make changes and stand up for what you deserve and what your kids deserve and you are repeatedly given excuses and blame shifting when you call the other person on their weaknesses and excuses. When you sit and cry because you felt guilty in the beginning because the blinders were only loosened and not off and so you made so many allowances that should not have been made and now you regret so many things. When you want to see the good and have them finally, finally step up to the plate and they are not capable and it hurts your heart for so many reasons.

Guilt and shame are terrible bedfellows.