I’ve been in counseling for the past 2 years…and I’ve been on a healing journey.

I have come out of a 21 year relationship that I can see now for what it truly was…TOXIC. I am the survivor of a toxic relationship. I have taken off my blinders and see life so much more clearly. I’m also done hiding. I’m done hiding behind the facade that I felt I had to put on myself in order to be loved, appreciated and respected. I’m done with putting on this good Christian family skin…and then going home and having it not reflect what we present at church. I’m not just posting the good on social media…and I don’t care who sees the broken and wounded parts of my life…this is part of me. This is part of our family dynamic and we are using these parts and pieces to create something beautiful and unique.

I grew up a Pastor’s kid. Pastor’s kids are known for 2 things…either being a goodie goodie or a rotten apple. I was not going to be the rotten apple. I am one who strives for the perception of perfect…in my mind if something is perfect then it is easy. So being a good kid or a good child is easy for me and I want to be that…but I live in a fallen world and I am a sinner so I am far from perfect. But I’m good at hiding the imperfections and only highlighting the good things…so sweep the clutter and mess out of the way for the picture but then you miss the parts that are real. You only let people see the good parts, you are thankful for so many things and you only speak about the hard or tragic parts with a spirit of thankfulness…so it doesn’t look like its truly overwhelming or too much. You let glimpses of your pain be seen but you hide the depths that you feel…so that people don’t treat you badly or differently.

I’m stopping the smokescreen. If I post something it’s going to be my life…the good the bad and the ugly. I’m done trying to only show the parts that don’t hurt, the things that make me seem like superwoman, the issues that don’t make me seem less than I truly am. I’m done putting on the mask of good Christiandom for the sake of making others comfortable. Parts of my life make me very uncomfortable. These are the sticky and tricky areas that help shape and mold you as you learn to be vulnerable, where you have to learn to trust and obey, the parts that make you feel like you are less or unworthy because they are not always the pretty side to life.

What I am finding as I tear off my self imposed mask and this idea of perfection is that people genuinely like me for who I am and not just what they think I am…I am seen for being Me…and people love me. I don’t have to hide behind this idea that I have to be perfect. I can be loud, crazy, messy and eccentric and people enjoy me. They see my value and worth and don’t make me feel less. Am I too much for some people and have to be reminded to tone things down…yes..but it’s not done in a disparaging way but as a reminder that not everyone is wired the same way.

The last two days I have been reminded that I am special, unique and that they are seeing a genuine JOY in my life. For many years I lived with this unrelenting weight of expectations and requirements that didn’t allow me to truly be available in the moments. I had to hide parts of myself or hold things back in order for the other person’s comfort and in the process I squashed myself into a box that made me feel so small and caused me to be so stressed that I literally ticked! I was wound up so tightly that I could barely feel anything but pain and sadness…I would try to relax and just be and it was so impossible and I would just try harder and start a viscous cycle or hamster wheel which I could never feel like I could get off.

I’m happy…there is a lightness of spirit…a feeling that I can handle the crazy that comes into my life and not everything is the end of the world. Are there moments when I wish I could run away and hide and just take a break? Yes, but there is a peace with knowing that I am doing a good job…that others see the changes and improvements in my life and I am not failing.

Encouragement comes in so many different ways. I’m grateful for all the people who come and tell me that they see just how far I have come and that I am doing a good job. I don’t always feel like I am making a difference but I know that people appreciate me and see me as a valuable member of society.