Why Do I Doubt

Today I am struggling and overwhelmed by areas of my life.

My son’s car won’t start…probably a dead battery…I’m not sure how to go about fixing it. My son took my car to work and it won’t be a problem to share for a couple days but it’s still an added stress.

I hired an extermination company to take care of some issues I am having around my house…and I forgot to tell my son about it and so he was surprised by the situation.

I’m feeling embarassed because I let things slide during the school year and as much as I would love to be on top of everything all the time I am not capable as a single woman, a busy mom and a full time worker to accomplish everything.

I have room prep at my job today to get ready for the summer session and I have to rearrange, reorganize and get a brand new space ready and I am not content to do the bare minimum so I go in full gusto. May have bitten off more than I can easily chew but I will get it done…I always do.

As my son was leaving tonight he was visibly frustrated…so I followed him and tried to figure out what was going on and how I could repair what feels like a big rift in our relationship…learning a new dynamic with an adult child is harder than I expected. During our few minute conversation he looks at me with tears in his eyes and says…”MOM…why do you doubt? Why do you think you are not doing enough, or that I don’t recognize what is happening and know that you are doing your best?”

Wow…David and Goliath type moment right there…hits hard right between the eyes…
“WHY DO I DOUBT”

…that I am good enough

…that I am Worthy of love

…that I am making a difference

…that I have Value…without doing something

…that my ideas are good and helpful

…that I am creative and capable

…that I am an amazing person to love and know.

One thing you don’t realize as you come out of a TOXIC relationship…is that your inner voice has been rewritten for a long time…when the person who is supposed to love you the most is also your biggest critic and makes you feel small you start to believe it. You hear what they have to say over what you know to be the TRUTH…when they paint a picture that is counter to the reality of the situation you have to swim so hard to break free of the emotional riptide that catches you. You over compensate in hopes that you can somehow rectify the situation and that it will be okay…you find yourself looking to fill all the conditions so that hopefully you will be fully loved.

Music has found its way back into my life…I stopped listening to music for years because my former spouse and I didn’t agree on types of music to listen to and he didn’t and doesn’t like what I like and its just easier to not listen then to argue. I’m listening to music…all types. I listen to secular, Christian, gospel, country…if I find a song I like I’m listening to it…and it’s a balm to my soul. Music has a way of bringing feelings and emotions out in a way that few things do and I’m enjoying the healing that can be found in music.

Right now a song by Casting Crowns has really hit hard…and I’ve listened to it on repeat most of the day…I think God knew I needed this song today. It’s Called Just Be Held

Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on

And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you’re on your knees and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held

If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go

I’m giving my doubt to God…I’m looking for His presence in this storm…I’m remembering I’m so much bigger than situations and my kids…my kids know that I love them and that I will do whatever I can to help them learn and grow. I’m not defined by my mistakes and I can conquer and grow and not be made smaller than I truly am. I’m grateful for that statement tonight…”WHY DO YOU DOUBT?” because it makes me think and trust.