I’m feeling triggered and needing to be gentle on myself tonight. I’m dealing with a lot of big feelings and struggling emotions.

There are 2 holidays that hit me harder than any other holiday during the calendar year. Tomorrow is one of them. They are Mother’s Day and Father’s Day.

Mother’s Day is hard for me…I struggle a lot. My former spouse did not put a lot of value into Mother’s Day when we were married. Little to no effort was made to honor me as the Mother of his children. It was hit or miss yearly on whether I would be a priority for Mother’s Day or not. He has said to me “You’re not my mother, that’s for the kids to do” and then not taught them how to honor me as their Mom. I’m a good mom, I try my best daily and I love my kids more than anything but when you are not treated well on a day set aside for Mom’s it hurts…and it leaves a deep wound. This year I received no recognition by my children’s other parent that I am a Mom or do a good job with his kids…nothing…and it hurt.

On the flip side…Father’s Day is extremely difficult for me. As a person who enjoys words of affirmation and being praised I want to show the Father of my children that he is respected, loved and appreciated…but he is not a good parent. Fatherhood is a struggle for him…he is a good provider but little else…he is not a dad…he is a parent…but not a Dad. When you need to honor or praise someone who is not a good parent it’s hard. And I did affirm him…and try to get the kids to do things for him and try but he didn’t and doesn’t care about Father’s Day…or Mother’s Day or any holiday really.

It’s hard to co-parent with someone who views his children as an afterthought. When you are repeatedly told by the other parent that it’s too hard, too difficult or that they “work” so they can’t be available to help or do anything extra its hard. Our current parenting schedule gives me 6 hours a month without my children when they are in the care of their dad…together. He does pick up the youngest daily and watches him till I get home from work but that’s not “me” time…it’s me being at work and then commuting home. If I need additional time or stuff its a hassle to get him to watch them and if I’m even the slightest bit late its a phone call.

Expectations are so hard…and when expectations are not even remotely met you go numb. When you go numb you repress your feelings and emotions. Then when you wake up and start to heal…you relive the hurt, the pain, the feelings of never measuring up or being made small. When you want to make changes and stand up for what you deserve and what your kids deserve and you are repeatedly given excuses and blame shifting when you call the other person on their weaknesses and excuses. When you sit and cry because you felt guilty in the beginning because the blinders were only loosened and not off and so you made so many allowances that should not have been made and now you regret so many things. When you want to see the good and have them finally, finally step up to the plate and they are not capable and it hurts your heart for so many reasons.

Guilt and shame are terrible bedfellows.

I’ve been in counseling for the past 2 years…and I’ve been on a healing journey.

I have come out of a 21 year relationship that I can see now for what it truly was…TOXIC. I am the survivor of a toxic relationship. I have taken off my blinders and see life so much more clearly. I’m also done hiding. I’m done hiding behind the facade that I felt I had to put on myself in order to be loved, appreciated and respected. I’m done with putting on this good Christian family skin…and then going home and having it not reflect what we present at church. I’m not just posting the good on social media…and I don’t care who sees the broken and wounded parts of my life…this is part of me. This is part of our family dynamic and we are using these parts and pieces to create something beautiful and unique.

I grew up a Pastor’s kid. Pastor’s kids are known for 2 things…either being a goodie goodie or a rotten apple. I was not going to be the rotten apple. I am one who strives for the perception of perfect…in my mind if something is perfect then it is easy. So being a good kid or a good child is easy for me and I want to be that…but I live in a fallen world and I am a sinner so I am far from perfect. But I’m good at hiding the imperfections and only highlighting the good things…so sweep the clutter and mess out of the way for the picture but then you miss the parts that are real. You only let people see the good parts, you are thankful for so many things and you only speak about the hard or tragic parts with a spirit of thankfulness…so it doesn’t look like its truly overwhelming or too much. You let glimpses of your pain be seen but you hide the depths that you feel…so that people don’t treat you badly or differently.

I’m stopping the smokescreen. If I post something it’s going to be my life…the good the bad and the ugly. I’m done trying to only show the parts that don’t hurt, the things that make me seem like superwoman, the issues that don’t make me seem less than I truly am. I’m done putting on the mask of good Christiandom for the sake of making others comfortable. Parts of my life make me very uncomfortable. These are the sticky and tricky areas that help shape and mold you as you learn to be vulnerable, where you have to learn to trust and obey, the parts that make you feel like you are less or unworthy because they are not always the pretty side to life.

What I am finding as I tear off my self imposed mask and this idea of perfection is that people genuinely like me for who I am and not just what they think I am…I am seen for being Me…and people love me. I don’t have to hide behind this idea that I have to be perfect. I can be loud, crazy, messy and eccentric and people enjoy me. They see my value and worth and don’t make me feel less. Am I too much for some people and have to be reminded to tone things down…yes..but it’s not done in a disparaging way but as a reminder that not everyone is wired the same way.

The last two days I have been reminded that I am special, unique and that they are seeing a genuine JOY in my life. For many years I lived with this unrelenting weight of expectations and requirements that didn’t allow me to truly be available in the moments. I had to hide parts of myself or hold things back in order for the other person’s comfort and in the process I squashed myself into a box that made me feel so small and caused me to be so stressed that I literally ticked! I was wound up so tightly that I could barely feel anything but pain and sadness…I would try to relax and just be and it was so impossible and I would just try harder and start a viscous cycle or hamster wheel which I could never feel like I could get off.

I’m happy…there is a lightness of spirit…a feeling that I can handle the crazy that comes into my life and not everything is the end of the world. Are there moments when I wish I could run away and hide and just take a break? Yes, but there is a peace with knowing that I am doing a good job…that others see the changes and improvements in my life and I am not failing.

Encouragement comes in so many different ways. I’m grateful for all the people who come and tell me that they see just how far I have come and that I am doing a good job. I don’t always feel like I am making a difference but I know that people appreciate me and see me as a valuable member of society.