Two years ago this month my life flipped upside down and backwards.

I had been struggling with thoughts and feelings for a long time and the pressure cooker of Covid became too much for me. I was angry, hurt and unhappy. I was drowning in chaos and pressure and trying to be perfect all the time in the hopes that I would be appreciated, seen and respected. I was full of anxiety and felt like everyone was always disappointed in me and that I was never ever good enough. My marriage was struggling…and I couldn’t even put my finger on why…I was trying so hard to be a good wife and mom and nothing I did was ever enough. I needed and wanted CHANGE…and so one day in the middle of an argument I snapped…screamed in the middle of a fight that I could not do it anymore…I want a Divorce. I still don’t know where those words came from…it was not on my mind, not something I wanted or believed in…it was a gut action response that I needed change and the only words that I thought I could use to make my husband finally hear me. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from life and so tired of pushing this giant snowball of emotions, pain, stress and expectations up this never ending mountain covered by boulders. I couldn’t do it anymore and I reacted, just wanted to finally be heard. I let go of the snowball…letting it roll over me and down the mountain…not caring what was going to happen and feeling a giant weight release as I said those dreaded words…I can’t do this anymore…I want a divorce.

Once you say those words…I want a divorce…there is a feeling of what now? There is shock, dismay, and if I am honest a feeling of release…but then huge and monumental fear…like what have I done? You and your spouse have 2 options…fix the problems and make changes or get divorced. I was willing to do option 1…fix the problems..he chose option 2…get divorced. So by the end of March 2021…I was divorced…my ex and I decided on who got what, wrote a parenting plan, worked on dividing stuff up, he moved out in August and paperwork was filed in November with everything completed by the end of March.

I started counseling 10 days after I yelled those dreaded words in May of 2020. I couldn’t believe what I had done…what I had said…I was wanting to fix the problem and was worried that it was all my fault. I let go of the snowball but picked up a backpack…and I filled it full of the boulders and rocks that I had been pushing against…GUILT… for saying I wanted a divorce…SHAME…that I couldn’t be a perfect wife…BLAME..this is all my fault…PAIN…why would I do this…STIGMA…look I’m another statistic…FEAR could I do this on my own…and I started carrying all these things around.

It’s taken almost 2 years for me to unload the backpack. I have worked so hard at trying to figure out who I am and why I do things the way I do. Counseling is compared to peeling an onion…you have to get through all the outer layers to find the reasons and meat of the issues in the center. I did a lot of peeling and trimming to find the root issues to my pain, my struggles and other things in my life. As I have worked on myself I have gained things…I have rediscovered parts of myself that I had pushed to the side, hidden from the world. I am learning to embrace being who I am and not letting others make me be less than who I am. I am content with being who I am and if you don’t like me that is on you and not on me. I have learned that I am okay by myself…I am a capable woman who can do big things. When I let go of the snowball and started making changes I began discovering that issues and struggles became less because deep down I learned what was my fault and what wasn’t my fault. I had put on blinders to so many things and when the blinders come off you learn so much and see so much more.

I viewed my ex- husband as this big smoking dragon…this force to be reckoned with and fear…but I’m learning he’s not as scary as I once thought. I’m my own knight in shining armor and if he can’t handle how amazing and wonderful I am then I don’t need to worry about what he thinks. I allowed his opinion of me to dictate my life for too long and as I get more mentally healthy I’m discovering that I am so much more than he ever appreciated or understood me to be.

I don’t believe that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. He does…so we depend on Him. I’m learning that with my big God on my side I can face anything that I come up against. Is it hard with lots of challenges? Yes…but I also have the confidence in seeing how God has worked in the past and how he will work in my future. Do I know what the future holds? Not yet…God is still revealing that to me but I don’t have to live in fear of my past and act like I am not the strong child of God that I am.

I’m learning to be the healthiest version of me…and you know what…I like her…