Month: May 2022

Dear ME

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

A letter to my younger self from a wiser version of me.

Dear Erin,

Hey there young lady…it’s me…you…a whole lot wiser and a whole lot older. I’m looking at your young self with a bit of jealousy as you don’t know what the future holds or what is going to happen. I’m from 23 years ahead…and I know how excited you currently are…getting ready to get married and gearing up for a new semester at a new school.

You are excited because you feel like you have met the love of your life and he has swept you off your feet and he dotes on you and makes you feel special…and you are special…more special than he realizes. But you missed some warning signs…and some red flags…and you are going way too fast…remember this speed and know that maybe it wasn’t as romantic and wonderful as you are thinking.

You are excited to finally find a school that will take all of your credits…I wish I could go back in time and tell you to slow down…because school is important and the things that will be happening to you soon will cause school and life to collide and it’s going to be very hard to figure things out.

I know you don’t want to be a mom for at least 5 years but sorry honey…an afternoon quickie before work with minimal protection will change your life…and before your 1 year anniversary you will have a baby. Don’t worry…it’s not the worst thing…your firstborn child, a girl will bring you so much joy and heartache that you won’t necessarily be able to handle it all…and just when you think you have things figured out you will decide to have another kid and do it all again. You are a fertile myrtle honey so its easy to get pregnant. I’d like to tell you that your spouse that amazing man you are marrying will be the best dad…he’s not…he has his good moments…but by the time I send this he is a changed person and your kids are no longer his top priority…and you will have 4 in total…3 of the 4 unplanned. He will work hard and make money but that will be it…he’s not a hands on dad and you will be stressed and overwhelmed a lot.

Oh and watch what you say to him…he takes things extremely literally and you will walk on eggshells around him as you will never make him truly happy. He’s selfish, he’s egotistical…you are starting to see small glimpses of that I bet, but the kind gentle man you think you are marrying is not always that way…he can be angry and rough and go to extremes. He will always put the needs of strangers and go out of his way for people he doesn’t know but you will feel pushed to the side and unimportant. He’s going to try and put you into a box…and you will let him…please don’t let him…you are so much bigger and brighter than his small box and if you learn this easily…you will be happier. But you don’t know any better. I with I could take off your blinders…but you are in love and it’s hard to see things when you are young and naive.

I want to tell you that your faith is going to change…the values and standards that life has told you need to be followed are not all in the Bible…most are the constructs of man and much like the Pharisees of the New Testament we start to value our standards and rules more than loving and accepting people. Your family dynamic is going to shift and some people will do things you don’t agree with and it’s going to be hard…so hard…and yet there is growth from all the pruning…listen to GOD…find HIS voice in the quiet moments and listen to what he has to say…Love God, Preach the Truth and Love all people…and find ways to show your faith…live what you believe and people will respect you.

Oh and stay tuned…there may be exciting things around the terrible corner you will pass after you have been married for 20 years…you will say things you never expected, discover truths that are going to hurt and defeat you but you are STRONG…you are WISE…you are EXCEPTIONAL…and don’t let yourself forget this…

You will learn that God has brought and is bringing experiences into your life that you will need way down the road…learn these things, add all the tools you can to your tool box and see what amazing things you can do because God knows all things and he will walk beside you.

Don’t fret…these struggles you are going through are going to bring changes that will be a long term benefit…you just need to trust the process. I would love to tell you that there won’t be hurts and challenges along the way, that the lessons you learn are easy and the struggles are few…you are heading into a long term struggle…and it will take you 21 years to finally see everything and make changes but you will get there. Trust God, Trust God, Trust God…and He will see you through.

Hang in there…it will be okay…and I will meet you on the other side…

Love,

Your older self.

Being Enough

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I am an achiever…I like to be seen as being good at something or to excel at things. I like to be busy, I like to accomplish things, I like the feeling of satisfaction that comes with a job well done. I also like PRAISE…my 2 ways people can show me love is by words of affirmation and acts of service. These are about 50/50…I like to do things and accomplish things but when I am overwhelmed or busy I like when people step in and help me and I like it when I do something that people tell me I have done a good job. When people appreciate my efforts and tell me it makes me feel loved, wanted and worthy.

I was married to someone who didn’t fully understand or care about my love language. He thought he did…but he truly didn’t. Toward the end of my marriage I was met with the following phrase…multiple times a day and week…”thank you, love you, appreciate you.” The same phrase over and over…with very little emotion, no specifics and no real feeling put into it. Just the phrase..over and over, as if to say “here…this should make everything okay.” It was said so often and so generally that by the end of my marriage it became a bone of contention for me…salt in the wound or lemon juice in a paper cut. Thank you for what…making dinner, taking care of the kids, helping you with a project, cleaning the bathroom…what are you grateful that I did for you…if he had just said..thanks for the delicious dinner or for the effort you put into this project I would have felt much more loved and appreciated. Appreciation needs specificity…what are you being appreciated for? It’s nice to say you appreciate something but specifics go a long way in helping the situation.

I internalized this phrase of his…and started to judge my worth and value based on his reactions. He made me small in so many ways and I believed him. I believed that his little breadcrumbs and occasional acts of service were all that I deserved. All that I was good enough for…and that’s a LIE…I am worth so much more than that.

I am the Mother of 4 children…ages 21, 19, 11, and 5….large gap parenting is extra challenging. You have adult sized problems and loose teeth at the same time. I have paid for college tuition and a box of diapers in the same week…this is not typical mothering it’s hard core/ never stop mothering. From the time my oldest was born to the day my youngest will be done with High School I will have been mothering non stop for 34 years…I’m not the only mother who has had this situation but in this modern age it is very atypical…and I am a good mother. I am enough at being my kids mom.

I have children with Special Needs and Medical issues…my 11 year old has Type 1 Diabetes and my youngest has Autism. They struggle with things that I can’t control in the way I would like. There are days when I struggle with getting out of bed because of issues in the middle of the night…there are pump changes, sensor changes, making sure that we have enough supplies and insulin. There is vomiting, struggles with Highs and Lows and always having to be on alert for an emergency situation. There are temper tantrums and being overwhelmed and screaming and struggling with emotional control. There are days when I want to run away and hide and just want someone to step into the situation and help me take control. There are days when I take pictures and shake my head so I can remember down the road just how far we have come on our journey but it is exhausting and yet…I am enough…I can learn and grow and meet these challenges.

I am Single…I sleep alone…I control my bills and finances…I juggle my schedule and yet I am ENOUGH…I can accomplish these things and while I may not know how to do everything that I would like to by myself I have resources and ability to find people to help make my life easier.

I am ENOUGH… I am capable, strong, gifted, talented and so much bigger than the box that I was trying so desperately to fit inside…I’m loud, energetic and enthusiastic. I’m loved and adored by my children and the children in my classroom. I have people in my life who want to be with me…who pray for me and my kids and love us…not because we do things for them but because we are people who are worthy of being seen and known.

I am ENOUGH…I have a big God on my side who knows my innermost parts and sees me for who I am.

I am ENOUGH…no matter if I am married or single…I’m a capable woman who is so much more than I thought I was.

I am ENOUGH…and that is Enough for me…and I’m grateful that I see that now.

Slaying the Dragon

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

Two years ago this month my life flipped upside down and backwards.

I had been struggling with thoughts and feelings for a long time and the pressure cooker of Covid became too much for me. I was angry, hurt and unhappy. I was drowning in chaos and pressure and trying to be perfect all the time in the hopes that I would be appreciated, seen and respected. I was full of anxiety and felt like everyone was always disappointed in me and that I was never ever good enough. My marriage was struggling…and I couldn’t even put my finger on why…I was trying so hard to be a good wife and mom and nothing I did was ever enough. I needed and wanted CHANGE…and so one day in the middle of an argument I snapped…screamed in the middle of a fight that I could not do it anymore…I want a Divorce. I still don’t know where those words came from…it was not on my mind, not something I wanted or believed in…it was a gut action response that I needed change and the only words that I thought I could use to make my husband finally hear me. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted from life and so tired of pushing this giant snowball of emotions, pain, stress and expectations up this never ending mountain covered by boulders. I couldn’t do it anymore and I reacted, just wanted to finally be heard. I let go of the snowball…letting it roll over me and down the mountain…not caring what was going to happen and feeling a giant weight release as I said those dreaded words…I can’t do this anymore…I want a divorce.

Once you say those words…I want a divorce…there is a feeling of what now? There is shock, dismay, and if I am honest a feeling of release…but then huge and monumental fear…like what have I done? You and your spouse have 2 options…fix the problems and make changes or get divorced. I was willing to do option 1…fix the problems..he chose option 2…get divorced. So by the end of March 2021…I was divorced…my ex and I decided on who got what, wrote a parenting plan, worked on dividing stuff up, he moved out in August and paperwork was filed in November with everything completed by the end of March.

I started counseling 10 days after I yelled those dreaded words in May of 2020. I couldn’t believe what I had done…what I had said…I was wanting to fix the problem and was worried that it was all my fault. I let go of the snowball but picked up a backpack…and I filled it full of the boulders and rocks that I had been pushing against…GUILT… for saying I wanted a divorce…SHAME…that I couldn’t be a perfect wife…BLAME..this is all my fault…PAIN…why would I do this…STIGMA…look I’m another statistic…FEAR could I do this on my own…and I started carrying all these things around.

It’s taken almost 2 years for me to unload the backpack. I have worked so hard at trying to figure out who I am and why I do things the way I do. Counseling is compared to peeling an onion…you have to get through all the outer layers to find the reasons and meat of the issues in the center. I did a lot of peeling and trimming to find the root issues to my pain, my struggles and other things in my life. As I have worked on myself I have gained things…I have rediscovered parts of myself that I had pushed to the side, hidden from the world. I am learning to embrace being who I am and not letting others make me be less than who I am. I am content with being who I am and if you don’t like me that is on you and not on me. I have learned that I am okay by myself…I am a capable woman who can do big things. When I let go of the snowball and started making changes I began discovering that issues and struggles became less because deep down I learned what was my fault and what wasn’t my fault. I had put on blinders to so many things and when the blinders come off you learn so much and see so much more.

I viewed my ex- husband as this big smoking dragon…this force to be reckoned with and fear…but I’m learning he’s not as scary as I once thought. I’m my own knight in shining armor and if he can’t handle how amazing and wonderful I am then I don’t need to worry about what he thinks. I allowed his opinion of me to dictate my life for too long and as I get more mentally healthy I’m discovering that I am so much more than he ever appreciated or understood me to be.

I don’t believe that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. He does…so we depend on Him. I’m learning that with my big God on my side I can face anything that I come up against. Is it hard with lots of challenges? Yes…but I also have the confidence in seeing how God has worked in the past and how he will work in my future. Do I know what the future holds? Not yet…God is still revealing that to me but I don’t have to live in fear of my past and act like I am not the strong child of God that I am.

I’m learning to be the healthiest version of me…and you know what…I like her…