Today my body reminded me of something that happened a year ago.

I woke up today and I have just been off. It’s been a struggle to just make it through the day. I’m tense, my neck is tight and my upper back is hurting. Little things that normally would not make me feel bad are huge and my feelings are fragile. I’m struggling.

Today is the 1 year anniversary of going to court and having the judge end my marriage. Today a year ago was super stressful and full of anguish, stress and relief all mixed into a big bag of regret and pain.

Divorce hurts…there is no way around it.

Divorce makes you question everything…and whether the divorce was needed or necessary there are so many big feelings and issues that go along with divorce. Divorce is a stigma in Christian culture and often treated as the world’s biggest sin. Divorce makes you question everything under a microscope and sometimes the things you see are ugly and hurtful and cause pain. Divorce brings change…change to relationship, change to your psyche, change to what you value or want, and divorce can also be the thing in your life that you didn’t know you needed.

Some relationships are toxic and unhealthy. An unhealthy relationship is like a cancer in the body and it destroys the spirit. It drives you to a place where you can’t see anything positive and the negativity makes you despair. You wear blinders and can’t see the truth for anything and you make so many excuses. So many excuses and chances in the hopes that there will be change.

Change is what I wanted. I had to change what was happening in my life. I stopped pushing the giant snowball up the mountain that just got longer and harder and heavier. I let go and let the pieces fall and the avalanche of snow topple down the mountain.

The clean up from the avalanche is one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do. There is so much that I have had to unearth, sort through and see. My blinders are off, I see reality for what it is and what it wasn’t when I was pushing and trying to be all things to everyone.

However there is beauty in the ashes…wounds are healing and while there are scars they are becoming more of the background of the story and not the forefront. There is joy in the little things…smiles and laughter and fun. Things are looking more positive, and there is HOPE.

God has met me where I am…He brings people into my life who love me…he tells me that I have Value and WORTH…he sees me for who I am, the wonderful person he created me to be. He has met every need and I have more than I need. There is joy with my boys as we create an environment that works for us…there are challenges but God meets me and helps me find the best tools and path for us.

The body remembers the trauma and stress but the mind can be set free and while today may be hard…there is joy in the morning so I will sit with the grief of today and be aware but I won’t let it rewrite my life.