Messy…this word is running through my brain this weekend. It’s been week of struggles.

Autism is full of big feelings, rampant emotions, and the inability to regulate yourself. My youngest is struggling in his autism lately. He’s probably learning and growing and getting ready to move to a new level of ability and when he is getting close to mastering something we often have a period of regression. We are in a full on regression period right now.

There is screaming, there is mess making of an epic level…he dumped an entire container of pancake mix on my dark sofa yesterday and on my birthday there was a bathtub mess of epic proportions that made me want to run away and hide. There are big feelings that make you exhausted and then the need for Mom to make it better so there are snuggles and struggles as he works through whatever this is. There are also struggles with sleep and he has been crawling in bed with me frequently and honestly I am not my best in the middle of the night so there are struggles with me being exhausted from lack of sleep and him struggling to stay asleep.

It’s also a week where I am struggling with being a single mom. As the lone parent for my boys I am dealing with the struggles that come with raising my boys. I am the person who calms them down, who loves them through and who is present for these moments of absolute epic chaos and emotion. The messiness makes me feel like a failure.

FAILURE is my big feeling…my messy space. I don’t like it, I don’t want it in my life and I see it as a monumental indication that I am not GOOD ENOUGH…that I am somehow defined solely by those things that I struggle and fight and don’t accomplish. I often feel like if I don’t do enough, if I don’t accomplish enough, if I don’t present myself as anything but perfect than people perceive me as a FAILURE.

I’m still trying to figure out where this has come from and why it is so deep rooted inside me. I was not brought up where I had to be perfect. I was a typical teenager with a messy room, lots of successes and failures and I was allowed to make mistakes…but I am also a pastor’s kid. Pastors are not perfect and neither are their families but somehow we tend to look on people who are in spiritual leadership as being “more godly” or “more perfect” than the average person and hold them to a standard that is not either healthy or desired. And while it’s not directly said there is a feeling of being held to a standard above the average standard that an average family at church would have to present or attain. Pastor’s should not be viewed as sinning or having sin in their homes…and yet we are Sinners who live in a fallen world just like everybody else…so I think that we need to realize that yes Pastor’s and their families are in places of leadership and view but that doesn’t mean that we need to expect more of them or have them be so much better than everyone else. You never know what passing comment or opinion will do to a developing psyche and what they will latch on too.

We also as parts of the Christian community hold the standards of the Proverbs 31 women in such high regard that we then place on Christian women this notion that if we are not doing everything that is described in that passage of the Bible to an epic level of perfection then we are not being a good Christian wife or Mom. This is not the point of that passage nor should it be. It’s been blown out of proportion and made to be something it shouldn’t be by too many people and I think it can do more harm than good sometimes. We also give men in the church a pass. Go into any Christian bookstore or do an Amazon search for Marriage books for Christian women and Marriage books for Christian men…women are the target audience and we are told that we have to strive harder and meet these goals in order for our marriages and lives to be successful and if we don’t than basically we are disappointing God. And we can easily translate that to failure.

One thing I am learning through the last few years is that there are people who can see past the messiness…and they are amazed at all the things that you are accomplishing and doing. Messiness is a smoke screen as it were…a crutch to keep people out and a way to hide from the bigger things and deeper issues. We were designed to be perfect…and yet we were given Free Will and man chose the messy. The messy keeps us from so many things…it scares us or makes us hide. I’m choosing to reveal my messiness…and the lessons and learning that I am gaining by peeling away these ideas and thoughts that trap me behind a wall of perceived perfection that makes me think that life could be easy. We don’t want to show our messes…we don’t want people to think less of us but in that messiness we are real and we show people that they are not the only ones who feel things deeply or struggle with things. God designed us for community and wants us to build relationships…first with Him and then with others. We are not designed to carry the burden alone but to help bear one another’s burdens as we walk along the path set before us.

So welcome to my messiness…I promise I’m working on cleaning stuff up but there is always a new mess or issue that I will be dealing with or trying to change. I’m human…I’m real…I’m messy.