Today is my birthday. I am 45 years old today.

45 seems so old, like I should be full of great wisdom and have a deep understanding of what life should be full of and a feeling of great accomplishment for all that I’ve learned. In the past when life spans were much shorter I would be probably be a grandparent and be considered one of the older generation in my community. But times have have changed and I’m now smack dab in the middle of life…and my 3rd child has reminded me that I am halfway to 90~!

So what does 45 look like as I analyze my life? In many ways 45 feels a lot like my 20’s. I’m in a period of change. I married young and was married for 21 years and now I’m not married anymore. I skipped the period of life when many figure out who they are as people, who embrace life as a singleton. I married at 22 and by the time I was 25 I had 2 small children so that period of time was filled with learning to be a mom, trying to be a loving and supportive wife, and I made lots of mistakes and grew up quickly in my 20’s. On the flip side here I am in my mid 40’s and I am figuring out how to be single again, to navigate parenting children with high medical needs and special needs as a Lone parent and I continue to juggle the needs of the many against the needs of the few. Add in adult children going through situations that are strangely parallel to my life and it has a weird Twilight Zone episode feeling.

45 seems like such a big number and it is…it’s longer than the the Israelites wandered in the desert. It’s a significant milestone on the road to 50 years married but its still weirdly young. I feel like I’m still growing and changing and blossoming. 45 is a period of new growth and a re-blooming if you will. The dead branches, the hurt areas, and the wounded parts of my life are getting pruned off and healing and I’m seeing new growth. Parts of my spirit and personality which I made small are being allowed to come out and shine. I’m rediscovering things I enjoy and not having to fit my square peg into a round hole is so freeing and scary at the same time. I’m learning what makes me tick and why I define things the way I do. I am recognizing that my VALUE and WORTH are not based on anything or anyone…I don’t have to do and be more than I am to be appreciated and valued. I am who God created me to be and I need to be just who I am and bring Glory and Honor to God. Its my responsibility to nurture and love my children, to grow and develop, to seek and learn and so…

45…lets do this…here we go…