Month: February 2022

Sweetness in the Sour

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I’m sitting at the kitchen table looking out over the backyard. My younger two boys are playing with a neighborhood friend on our backyard trampoline. They are jumping, wrestling and using boxes to create a fort of some type. It’s a warm afternoon and I’m watching my kids be kids.

It’s a good reminder that there is sweetness in the everyday moments of my life.

Sunday’s are hard lately. I need the spiritual encouragement and to feed my soul. I enjoy going to church. I love to worship, since my divorce worship hits me in a whole different way than it did before I walked this deep valley of struggle. God has shown up in my broken places. He has shined a light and illuminated areas of my soul where I need to work, where I need Him to heal, where I feel things so very deeply. But autism strikes on Sunday’s. My youngest has been struggling on Sunday and I miss out on the parts of church that are sometimes needed the most. I’m very grateful for technology and that services are now on online as I can go back and fill in the places that I missed. There is a lot of Big feelings and when he’s in full meltdown mode it feels like its all too much. But people love me and they love my kids and they encourage and smile and invite us in. They find ways to encourage, to bring Hope to dark places and to make me feel like people see the struggle.

Having a child with special needs is hard when you are a parent. It’s even harder when you are the Lone parent. It’s chasing, its running, its screaming, it’s meltdowns, it’s feeling like the weight of the world is on your back and you can’t get up. But it’s also lots of special moments…its hugs, its little boys who fall asleep on you when they just need your presence, it’s special smiles and simple ways that they show you that they appreciate what you do. Its a lot of sour and bitter moments that make you want to run and hide away from the looks and feeling like you are not succeeding because its so hard but there is a sweetness with the sour. The love and appreciation that your child shows in those calm moments and when they truly need you most.

So I look for the sweetness in the sour, the sugar to make the bitter more palatable. The good in those moments when you are drowning and feel like nothing will every be okay ever again. And God finds me…he meets me in my sour places and he reminds me that He is Faithful, He is Good and He is going to make a way even when I can’t see it. He meets me with a text at just the right moment, a reminder that people love me, a hug from a friend, a smile from a stranger or just in those moments when it hurts to breathe and yet you still can…

God is good all the time…All the time God is good…and He meets us where we are…even when we don’t always see it.

Lone

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

aka…what I am feeling as I am now the only everyday parent to 2 boys with lots of challenges and needs…

I’m currently sitting in my kitchen on a work day. I don’t usually sit in my kitchen on a work day…I’m supposed to be at work. I was at work…and then I got the text on my phone that my child is sick. I hate those phone calls. So I let my boss know…and today its okay…they can get me out of my room easily and can figure out how to cover everything…that’s not always the case.

I’ve been thinking about the parenting dynamic of my life recently. Yes, I am a single Mom…have been since September 2020..I am the custodial parent…have been since the end of March 2021…but in reality I have been the LONE parent for the majority of my children’s lives…and I have been a parent for 21 years.

What does it mean to be the LONE parent? It means that I am the one who takes care and figures everything out in relation to the children. I am the one who has gone to every doctor’s appointment, every parent teacher conference, every meeting, every activity everything that I can possibly and physically make. Where is the other parent? Well, he comes when it suits him, when he can’t use something else as an excuse, when he’s well rested and not overly tired, or when his not coming and helping makes him look bad. I am fine with excusing things when you have scheduled things at work, when there is a genuine schedule conflict but there are times when you need to be much more available and step in and help.

I hate that I have to figure out everything…

I hate the thought that I can just let him know what’s going on instead of him taking an active interest in things.

I hate that there is always and excuse or reason for him to yet again not step up and help.

I’m tired of being told how HARD his visits are and that 3 hours is just a long time.

I’m tired of him not caring how HARD mothering HIS children is on ME.

These kids are 50% his DNA…he’s their dad. I didn’t make them myself…and they are boys so that is not in my genetic ability…and yet I am their safe place. I am their caregiver, I am the one they want to be around and who they look for when they are struggling and sad.

I hate the assumption that I will do it better because he doesn’t want or need to do more as long as he covers their medical costs(which are significant) and child support.

I hate the fact that he thinks that 3 hours every other weekend is giving me “a break”.

I HATE being the Lone parent…I would much rather Co-Parent…but right now…I don’t have that option.

However being a Lone Parent doesn’t mean that I am ALONE…

I am grateful for encouragement from others as I walk along this journey.

I am thankful for cards and notes from people who want to support me in tangible ways.

I am grateful for people who listen and encourage and give me hugs and tell me that they love me.

I am appreciative of those who step in and meet me where I am.

And I have a BIG GOD on my side who help to bear my burden and brings me encouragement and love. You never know how Strong you are until that is the only thing you have to be.

4 am

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

It’s 4 am and I’m awake…

I should be sleeping.

It’s 4 am and I am awake…I’m awake because of the stupid disease that affects my son. Type 1 Diabetes doesn’t have a time table. Alerts wake me up at night and it’s hard to go back to sleep.

It’s 4 am and I’m awake…I’m awake because autism effects sleep and little boys need their Mama’s in the middle of the night and Mom’s wake up and comfort and provide and then you can’t go back to sleep.

It’s 4 am and I’m awake…I’m awake because I can’t turn off my brain…I continue to wrap my mind around so many things…some good, some bad, some needed, some not needed, some wanted, some unsure.

It’s 4 am and I’m awake…I want to sleep…I need to sleep…I’m so tired.

I’m tired from doing everything that I have to do because it’s just me.

I’m tired because I’m divorced and single and I have to shoulder my load and figure out how to fit all the pieces that could be carried by another into my schedule and make it all happen.

I’m tired because I have small children and I work with small children and everyone has needs.

I’m tired because not all of my needs are getting met because there are only so many hours in the day and sometimes you have to push things to the side because there just isn’t time.

I’m tired because I’m wound of up so tight that it’s impossible to relax at times.

I’m tired because I overthink…because in the past if I didn’t and something happened the wrong way I would be scrambling and now I don’t know how to not overthink even when I don’t want to be overthinking…

I’m tired…and It’s 4 am…and I’m awake.

Being Broken

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I wrote this several months ago…and I found it this morning in my journal…I’m sharing it here because I have been reading the Book of Job as a study and I’m reminded that I am more than the things I feel and the problems I face.

We use the verse out of context so often about God not giving us more than we can handle. God DOES give us More than we can Handle.  He DOES.  He absolutely will give us more than we can handle because it is only then when we absolutely are pushed to the point that we no longer can do anything about anything.  Its when the situation is hopeless and full of pain, agony and you no longer want to deal or process and you are so overwhelmed that we in our humanity, our stubbornness or pride will look to the heavens and say “ God I NEED YOU!”  

I NEED YOU…to carry this emotion because it is too heavy for me.

I NEED YOU…to hug me close like a Father and tell me that YOU are Near.

I NEED YOU…to bring some kind of calmness to the chaos of my soul.

I NEED YOU…to show me that you are the divine Keeper of all Things.

I NEED YOU…to bring to light all the things I can’t see.

I’m broken.

I’m frustrated and holding on to a layer of guilt that I have placed on myself from a situation that I initiated but didn’t want.

I’m angry with the person who I built my life around who views the family unit as only being important when he feels like it and can be condescending, mean and intimidating.  

I’m Tired of being made small in the eyes of someone who can’t do all the things that I do on a daily basis and complains that things are too HARD…when in reality they are not.

I’m irritated by the fact that when the reality of my life is brought forth people will judge me for not keeping my marriage together as if that is the worst possible sin in the world because God Hates Divorce.

I’m bothered by the fact that I feel that people will judge me when they learn that I am divorced or look down on me for not keeping my marriage together after 21 years…even though they do not live with me or see the change that was and is necessary when you and the person you committed to start treating each other in a toxic manner and only 1 of you is capable of change.

I’m struggling with boundaries and not being a pushover because I feel bad that things have ended and I will put others first and sometimes that is not what I should be doing.

I’m feeling like the Black sheep of the family…even though there is divorce, and other big sins around…mine must be so much worse because I am a failure.

That is the root of it…I’m broken and I’m a FAILURE.  I had one job…to stay married until Death Do Us Part…and he’s still alive and I’m not Married…so yeah…I’m broken.  I’m a mess and I need to figure out how to go from wallowing to thriving.

I’m spiraling…like water down the drain.  I’m pushing the world up like Atlas…only to see it fall.  I’m HUMAN.  

I’m HUMAN…I have faults, I have problems, I have struggles, I have challenges.  I’m NOT invincible, I’m not all knowing.

I AM….

A beloved child of God

A Daughter of the King

A Believer Saved by Grace

A mother of 4 great kids

A daughter of amazing parents

A teacher of the tiny people who think I am great.

A person who is worth knowing