It’s the end of the year we have 2 days to go.

Looking back on the year 2021.

The Good:

I got 2 raises at work this year. Increased my net pay being brought home by me monthly so my budget is easier.

I took the boys on a family vacation to South Dakota. We had a good time camping with my folks and saw Mount Rushmore, Jewel Cave and other fun things.

Financial things that I worried about were not as big as I thought they were going to be and I am doing fine…more coming in than going out.

My kids are doing well in school, learning new things. The firstborn is closer to finishing college and the 19 year old is doing well at his job.

I celebrated my 10 year anniversary at work and I feel like I’m having a pretty good year as a teacher.

I have good friends who have come beside me and been a huge encouragement so I am thankful for the positive people in my life.

The Bad:

The firstborn and I don’t always see eye to eye on things and they have taken measures that ensure what they want regardless of what I approve of so that is challenging

Autism is sometimes kicking my butt…the youngest struggles with things and when he struggles, I struggle

Diabetes is a never ending roller coaster of Highs and Lows and so much thinking…it’s challenging

The Ugly:

The divorce is final and I am now an exwife…still coming to grips on this one and since I have to see the ex frequently due to us having kids together its extra hard sometimes.

All in all I’m not sad to see this year go…not sure what 2022 will bring but I am hopeful that there will be positive changes.

I’m a very empathetic person.

I feel things deeply

I feel for others deeply

I cry over book characters, movie characters and hard situations.

My heart swells when something good happens for someone else

I feel their grief and sorrow when they are sad.

I Love Big…I have a big personality and I feel things Big, I’m loud, I’m exuberant I’m Big.

I’m a Big personality dealing with a BIG Holiday!!!

CHRISTMAS…CHRISTMAS….CHRISTMAS…CHRISTMAS

The effort for Christmas this year is extra hard due to my empathy.

The lack of effort by others, the lack of effort put into simple things and the amount of excuses as to why that effort is missing is making my empathy trigger.

I feel sorry for them…I shouldn’t but I do.

I feel if I had not spoken up for myself when I did that it wouldn’t be an issue and all would be well this Christmas and things would be as they SHOULD be….

But the Should be is a smokescreen.

My empathy and soul was being crushed in the relationship and I was getting lost.

I spent so much time trying to be better and never measuring up enough that I fell into a pit of despair.

I was broken in my soul, beaten up in my emotions and feeling like I was rotting from the inside out.

I could only see the negative…I don’t like the negative…I like to be positive.

I was pushing the snowball to the top of the mountain and the path only was getting longer, the ball was getting heavier and the mountain was getting steeper.

I let go…and here we are…

The effort is different, the effort for me outside of one relationship is easier…the guilt and pain are becoming less…

I’m seeing the good again

I’m feeling things I should feel again

There is a brighter side to things and things are being accomplished.

Its Hard…so Hard sometimes…but its the good kind of hard…not the despair kind. There is a positive side to the hard.

But CHRISTMAS….CHRISTMAS…CHRISTMAS!!!!

The empathy and effort of Christmas is challenging…worthwhile but challenging.

“Christmastime is Here…time for joy and cheer…” Remember the Peanuts Christmas special…this is the theme song but it’s not full of joy and praise…its in a minor key and sounds sad.

I’m feeling a little bit like this song today…full of melancholy.

I want to be joyful this Christmas…I do.

I’ve gotten all but 3 things bought…they are planned just not purchased.

I’m wearing Christmas clothes and my holiday fun stuff.

My house is decorated and pretty and I’m enjoying the decorations.

I have plans to bake and make all the things that I remember from Christmas growing up and trying to build special memories with my kids.

But I’m also feeling sad.

I’m sad that the things WE used to do all together are now divided between him and me.

I’m sad that I don’t have a husband to shop for and try to come up with something that he would like or appreciate…he was really hard to shop for…

I’m not sure what I even want to be gifted and there isn’t the anticipation of him remembering something I may have mentioned and surprising me or the gift of someone knowing you well and finding the perfect thing.

So I’m looking for the JOY…embracing the sad…and sitting with the Melancholy of it all…and I may watch a Peanuts Christmas and commiserate with Charlie Brown.