Month: June 2021

Redefining

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I’m learning to redefine who I am.

For a long time I was very defined by the role of wife…and I’m no longer a wife. I’m now an ex-wife, a former wife, a once wife…all terms that are hard. I really wish that I was a widow instead of divorced. It would totally be easier and I don’t think I would be drowning in the stigma that comes along with being divorced.

Learning to define new boundaries between myself and my former spouse is REALLY HARD…he doesn’t get that we don’t do things together anymore…like picking out new phones on phone plans.

We decided that we would stay on the same phone plan because it’s too hard to figure out how to separate all 3 of the kids lines and it’s more affordable for both of us to stay on the same plan…but its time to upgrade…and he wants us to do it together…aka…I figure out the best phones and then take care of it…

I don’t know how to get him to realize that I am not picking out his stuff anymore…it’s not my place nor do I care.

Just pick a phone and be done…stop treating our new roles as just another way to make me be what you want.

YOU chose this…YOU didn’t want to go to counseling….YOU said that my life would be so much harder…YOU think I need you…reality is another story.

I’m in counseling and rediscovering who I am and finding potential for growth.

My life really hasn’t changed that much and it’s not that much harder without you and now that I don’t have to put up with your nonsense things are working better and I am not as stressed by superficial things

I really don’t need you…in fact I have said it often that it would actually be easier if you had died instead of us getting divorced because then you would be completely out of the picture…the only challenge right now is working around you.

I guess I don’t need you…I’m figuring out life on my own and to be honest this redefinition may be a benefit in disguise.

I’m doing things I have wanted to do for a while and it may be challenging and new I’m excited for what can be.

I’m figuring out how to do things independently and well

I’m redefining who I am and who I will be…

21 years

~ elj377 ~ Leave a comment

I was married for 21 years…and now I’m not married anymore.

I’m not married anymore…that’s a hard statement.

I’ve been defined for 21 in a certain role…wife…I’m not a wife anymore. I’m a once married person, I’m single, I’m divorced.

Divorced…that’s a word I never thought I would be.

Divorced is a dirty word in my culture…good Christian’s don’t get divorced. We say till death do us part so if the other person is not dead then we are a failure or a sinner of high order.

I’m Divorced.

Divorce was not on my radar until it was the only thing on my radar. I didn’t wake up one morning and want to end my marriage. Instead I was going along like I always did until something snapped and in the middle of a fight I said I can’t do this anymore I want a Divorce.

And he said OK

He printed the paperwork, decided what needed to be done and things were put in motion in a short time period before I could even wrap my mind around what I had said.

There was fear and there still is fear.

There was anger and there still is anger.

There is disbelief and shock…and those feelings still remain.

The process is done…it has been done since the end of March.

Change is happening…the house is now just mine…the kids are with me the most…I sleep alone.

I’m more at peace, I’m learning who I am and I’m not feeling as negative as I once did.

I’m finding my Happy…I’m learning what I need…I’m finding out who I am as just me.

Who am I? I’m a Mom…I’m a friend…I’m a teacher…I’m a dreamer…I’m a helper…I’m a daughter…I’m a child…I’m a learner…I’m a much loved Child of God.

I can be strong alone.

I can be vulnerable.

I can make things work

I can figure things out

I am who I am and God love me for who I am and I will be okay…

But I am not who I was 21 years ago…I’m different.