Tonight I’m sad.

I’m sad because I don’t have everything together and I forget things.  I remembered tonight that there is a slideshow for graduation.  I hadn’t looked at the Senior packet since March and opened it tonight and realized that I had missed the deadline.  Big ol heaping pile of Mom guilt…I failed and forgot and missed something big.  It’s a little thing but it’s important.  In a panic I quickly emailed the person in charge of the slideshow and asked if there is anyway that I could still get my kid in the slideshow.  And thankfully the person in charge is gracious to mom’s like me who forgot and as long as I have it by tomorrow it should be okay.  Whew…I feel better but I’m still sad that I forgot.

I’m sad tonight because I had to explain to a little brother what going to college means.  The first grader had no idea that college is someplace where you live when you go to school.  That you don’t come home all the time and you don’t see the person who is going as much…and he started to cry and got real quiet and  blue because the Firstborn is his champion, his buddy and it’s going to be a big adjustment.  Watching him be sad made me sad and the waterworks have started again.

I’m sad because expectations for the end of Senior year and the reality of what has happened have not aligned.  The Firstborn has had fun and is enjoying the final days of High School with all the chaos, fun, excitement and dread…but it’s not what I thought would go down.  I had different expectations years ago and those expectations have not been met in the manner that I would like or want so I’m sad.  I’m sad for the moments that I haven’t had but I’m happy for the moments that were granted.  It’s such a balancing act and more often then not I feel like the man on the tightrope barely holding on before falling.

I’m sad.  Being sad is not wrong or misguided, it’s an emotion where you can process the good, the bad, the hard, the challenging and then you can temper your other emotions and walk through the challenges.

I’m sad.